Pies Classics: 20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots (Photos)

Chris Wright

28th, April 2015

8 Comments

By Chris Wright

This post first appeared on Pies a year or two back but we’re having to re-post it in order to restore it to our database after it was mysteriously deleted. Feel free to enjoy the craptitude all over again.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin…

1. Spitfire the Dog, Eastleigh FC

That hat…

EastleighFCSpitfire

(Thanks to @Iwantcurlyhair2 for the nudge)

2. Hammerhead, West Ham

Like Optimus Prime’s cross-eyed little brother…

Hammer1

3. Toby Tyke, Barnsley

This is what happens when you let the Wacaday wardrobe department dress your matchday mascot…

Toby-tyke

4. ???, Real Valladolid

The ’99 Valladolid side line-up alongside what appears to be a giant gormless carrot…

5. Terry Byte, Fulham

He’s a computer. It’s a clever play on ‘terabyte’ you see…

Terry-byte

6. Jünter the Foal, Borussia Mönchengladbach

Fetlocks? More like shitlocks…

Junter

7. Darkie, Aston Villa

Harking back to a simpler, more racist time…

DarkieB-650x566

8. Slavek and Slavko, Euro 2012

You guys just suck…

9. Lucifer’s rottweiler, Club Tijuana

Terrifying…

Club-Tijuana-mascot

10. Bazi, Bayern Munich

Had Enid Blyton been born and raised in Bavaria, Noddy would probably have looked a little like this…

11. Naranjito, 1982 Spanish World Cup

An undoubtedly loveable cool little orange fellow on paper, the whole concept broke down once the human legs were grafted on. The skirt also seems a little unnecessary…

12. Mrs Growler, Huddersfield Town

Rubbish…

13. ???, Barcelona

Giant, one-eyed penis in an inflatable jumpsuit? Perhap, perhap…

14. Millwall Lion, Millwall

My Millwall Lion, what a lovely parasol you have…

15. Erwin, Schalke 04

Raul obviously hates him and that’s good enough for us…

Erwin

16. Desmond the Dragon, Rochdale

We’ve seen more intimidating dragons in our time…

17. The Pitman, Hednesford Town

Because all miners were blue and had beaks…

18. Benny the Box, Telford United

The budget is obviously a bit tight at Telford….

BKAM_Sports_Mascot_TelfordBox

19. Pilgrim Panther, Boston United

Someone’s been up all night on the Pro Plus and Strepsils…

panther21

20. Mr Testicles, Everton

The cause was a noble one (to raise awareness of testicular cancer) but the inescapable truth is that Everton dressed some poor sod up as a giant pair of hairy gonads and had him parade around Goodison…

Balls

Bonus entries…

The Tonbridge Angel, Tonbridge Angels FC

Like an five-foot tall Easter egg in cheap knock-off Pokemon pyjamas…

tonbridge-angel-mascot

???, Algeciras CF

We’re reliably informed it’s supposed to be a scoreboard…

algeciras CF

(Thanks to @estadios_Spain for the spot)

Hjalte the Viking, FC Vestsjælland

Those eyes. They’ve seen some terrible things…

viking

(Thanks to @SkggrOvrAadalen)

This way for more mascot-based shenanigans on Pies.

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