What ho? It’s a Yuletide Special from those pithy chaps over at Fitba Thatba – ‘How Carlos Tevez Saved Christmas’…

                          

By Chris Wright

After a fortnight of ridiculous palaver, Man City announced last night that Carlos Tevez had been found guilty on five separate counts of breaching his contract on that fateful night in Munich and duly fined the Argentinian striker four week’s wages for the dubious crime of ‘refusing to warm up’ against Bayern.

Tevez was then told he had a further two weeks to appeal against the ruling and, if this morning’s papers are to be believed, it appears he fully intends to.

Fair enough, you may argue – indeed, considering City’s quick climb-down from their original accusation (refusing to play altogether) and the several eye-and-ear witnesses on the City bench that seem to have come forth in Tevez’s favour, it looks like he may have fairly stable grounds to contest his punishment.

End of? Not on your nelly.

Several papers and reliable online sources are reporting that Tevez is considering suing Roberto Mancini for ‘defamation of character’ over the debacle in Germany and the subsequent fallout.

The fact that he appears to be under the illusion that he still has a character left to defame would be my initial bone of contention, but a lawsuit? Really? Really? That said, the worrying thing with Tevez, regardless of the outcome of any imminent hypothetical court-case, is that he can’t really lose as things stand.

Regardez vous…

He’s having his character ‘defamed’, but his talent will undoubtedly land him a new club regardless of him being already widely regarded as a troublesome arsehole; He’s barred from first-team activity at Man City, but he doesn’t want to play for them anyway; He’s been fined somewhere approaching £1 million, but it’ll hardly be noticeable once skimmed from the top of his heaving bank account; He’s being gradually exiled from the club, but he doesn’t want to be there anyway, etc, etc.

Which, all-in-all, effectively leaves him free to piss, whine, keep the world abreast of how just hard done by he really is and, crucially, milk his current employers for all he can (by any means) up until he sods off at the nearest available juncture – such is his, or his circle-jerking advisers, wont.

As far as City and Mancini are concerned, the sooner Tevez is someone else’s problem, the better.

                          

Carlos Tevez was forced to train alone in footballing limbo on his return to Man City this afternoon after serving a two-week ban and saw fit to plug his new ‘Tevez 32′ clothing company both before and after his solitary session at Carrington…

(Sky) blue steel, work it bitch!

We can only imagine that scores of Mancunians are queuing around the block to get their hands on Carlos’ clobber – or maybe they’re just waiting to get their hands on Carlos and clobber him.

And while we’re on the subject of sartorial elegance, this is how Roberto Mancini happened to turn up to work today…

Tight. Skin tight.

[Photos: PA]

                          

Presenting: The latest installment in the never-ending (and slightly past-it’s-sell-by-date) Manchester ‘billboard wars’.

A large digital billboard has been glaring above Piccadilly Gardens in the city centre reading ‘Welcome to Carlos, Manchester’, which has appeared courtesy of the United Supporters’ Trust – described on their website as a ‘warm-hearted message from some old friends’…

Your move City.

                          

A lovely little souvenir was waiting for Carlos Tevez when he returned home to Alderley Edge after being formally served with his suspension at Carrington this morning – a little reminder of his current standing with the City faithful, y’know, just in case it’d slipped his mind…

The personalised MCFC pendant was immediately taken down by an ‘anonymous man’ when the Hummer in which Carlos Tevez was travelling arrived back at the house…

…and presumably re-hung, with it now taking pride of place on the Tevez family mantlepiece.

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

In which Sky Sports News pundit Charlie Nicholas accidentally on purpose reveals the real reason that Roberto Mancini was so pissed off with Carlos Tevez after the Bayern Munich debacle…

If Champagne Charlie’s telling the truth here then it’s yet more truly disgusting conduct on Tevez’s part – the guy’s out of control.

Also, it sounds like poor Bobby should probably get in touch with Philippe Senderos and start some kind of support group for this kind of thing – because this kind of behaviour seems to be rife in the professional game at the moment.

                          

As you may have heard by now, Manchester City have suspended Carlos Tevez for a fortnight while they mull over their options amidst the post-Munich refusenik shitstorm – essentially putting themselves in the lose/lose/lose position of either having to keep hold of the mopey striker and make him publicly apologise to the City fans…again, exile him to their Elite Development Power Falcon Super-Duper Reserve Team on £190,000-a-week or flog him to some unscrupulous suitor for a fraction of his true value.

However, there is another way. Northern Irish second-tier side Limavady United contacted City yesterday afternoon offering to take Tevez on loan for the rest of the season, vowing to keep his fitness up if his parent club agree to pay the player’s wages.

Said David Brewster, vice-chairman of the County Londonderry team:

“Pursuant to the well publicised comments of your manager yesterday evening to the effect that Carlos Tevez would not be permitted to play for your club again, may I on behalf of Limavady United FC indicate our willingness to assist you with a difficult problem.

“We would be perfectly willing to take Mr Tevez on loan for the remainder of the season or until transfer, thereby permitting him to play football but without the risk of being cup-tied for the Champions League.

“Limavady United play in the championship in Northern Ireland and our manager would be happy to accommodate Mr Tevez within his squad.

“Naturally, our club would not be in a position to discharge Mr Tevez’s wages but I am sure you can see the advantages of keeping him match fit prior to any possible sale.”

Sounds like a go-er to me. Frankly, could you really blame City for accepting Limavady’s offer?

                          

By Chris Wright

Man City were given a bit of a humbling by Bayern Munich in the Champions League last night, eventually going down 2-0 in the Allianz Arena courtesy of a brace from Mario Gomez.

However, the major talking point emanated from the City bench where, according to a pretty peeved Roberto Mancini, Carlos Tevez flatly refused to enter the fray as a second-half substitute – a claim that Tevez himself has denied this morning, citing that he was ‘ready to play’ and that it was all just a big ‘misunderstanding’.

Mancini went on to state that he is now ‘through with Tevez’ and that he ‘wants him out’ of the door as soon as possible, while also expressing his disappointment at Edin Dzeko’s conduct, with the Bosnian shaking his head deliberately after being substituted for Nigel de Jong ten minutes after the interval.

All-in-all, a pretty shitty night for City.

In addendum: I’ve heard premonitions this morning that Tevez is now ‘finished at the highest level of the game’ after his latest little escapade, which is, of course, nonsense.

At the very worst, Tevez could afford to have a ‘season out’, burying his head in the sand at Anzhi (or some other club of their ilk), raking in £300k-a-week to sate his stable of creaming puppet-masters and agents while scoring goals for fun – right up until the point when an Inter/AC/Real/Barca are convinced that the heat’s died down and he’s worth another punt six/twelve months later.

Unfortunately for the assorted Gods of decorum and decency, he’s far, far too good-a-player to simply write off.

*Sigh*

Photos…

Highlights (catch them before the Youtube police do)…

Photos: PA

                          

Image: @MCFC

                          

Pies says: At a low ebb, Carlos’ binge-eating crisis takes a turn for the worse.

You say?