By Chris Wright

It’s a FIFA 12 parody video people, and very droll it is too…

Video: SA

                          

By Ollie Irish

Heskey is a striker of sorts. If you say his name five times he may sign for your club.

Candyman is a villain of sorts. If you say his name five times, bad things may happen, possibly involving bees.

Send your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk

                          

By Chris Wright

Aston Villa ‘striker’ Emile Heskey has announced his retirement from international football this afternoon, after somehow amassing 62 caps since making his debut in 1999 – notching a hearty seven goals along the way.

Heskey, a veteran of three World Cups and two European Championships, released the following statement just minutes ago;

“I have enjoyed every moment of my England career and worn the shirt with pride every time I have been fortunate enough to have been selected.

I would like to thank every manager I have played under, everyone at the Football Association and the fans for all their support over the years. I wish the management team and the playing squad all the best for the future.”

In light of this tragic news, we at Pies (whilst trying in vain to stifle our tears) have managed to put together a short photo tribute to document the Heskalump’s glorious 11-year England career:

That is all.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Here is Emile Heskey’s fiancee Chantelle Tagoe posing for pics with a snoozy cheetah, and other cute but dangerous animals, at The Cheetah Experience in Bloemfontein. Why?  I have no forking idea.

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(There is of course a poor joke in here about Heskey and pace – or a lack thereof.)

                          

By Ollie Irish

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Football fans gather outside the stadium, prior to the training match at Moruleng Stadium, Moruleng, South Africa.

Photos: Owen Humphreys / PA

(Great pics, Owen, by the way)

The main thing for England was to survive this run-out without picking up any fresh injuries. In that respect, it was a successful training exercise, even if there was a bit too much huff ‘n’ puff (England’s work rate was very good), and not enough inspiration.

England scored through Jermain Defoe, Joe Cole (the only Englishman to play 90 minutes, no doubt because Capello can see he lacks match fitness) and Wayne Rooney.

The Platinum Stars blasted an early penalty over the bar (the Adidas Jabulani + altitude = beach ball), conceded by Glen Johnson, but apart from that – and it was a harsh penalty anyway – England dominated, as expected. Oh, and Emile Heskey bungled a couple of easy chances, so nothing new there. I still expect him to start with Rooney on Saturday.

Now bring on those Yanks…