By Ollie Irish

Old Michel wasn’t always the pudgy driver of Uefa’s gravy train. Once upon a time, he was the best midfielder in Europe and an all-round very cool cat. No, really…

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Evading Italy's Marco Tardelli at the 1978 World Cup

Photos: PA

Oh, I love the French kits of the early 1980s. So cool. And what a brilliant team France had in 1982 (when they deserved to win the World Cup, but were confounded by the Villain Harald Schumacher) and 1984 (when they did win the Euros).

                          

A wonderfully French reaction by Nicolas Anelka to his 18-match international ban:

“The so-called punishment has no relevance whatsoever because, for me, the French national team was an issue which ended on June 19 when I was kicked out of the training centre at Knysna.

“This is just to entertain the public, to turn the page because Laurent Blanc needs to be able to work in peace.

“These people are clowns. I am dying with laughter.”

That last bit is magic.

I agree with Anelka. The ban is a joke. It’s Raymond Domenech who’s the clown at the heart of this. Okay, the French players took it too far, and essentially disrespected their own fans, but the French Football Federation caused this by keeping on the woeful Domenech past his sell-by date.

Anelka probably isn’t so bothered by the prospect of never playing for France again, but I still reckon the ridiculous 18-match ban will eventually be slashed to something more realistic.

                          

SOME recommended football content:

TOP LINK A fine review of Match of the Day by our friend Alex Netherton – Sabotage Times

Mutinous Nicolas Anelka hit with 18-game international ban!  Surely he won’t play again for France, even if the ban is reduced on appeal – NY Times

WAG Abbey Clancy pulls on some riding gear, tries to forget about cheating Crouchy – Goaly Moly

Chelsea want to work on Ashley Cole’s public image. Good luck with that – Mail

Crystal Palace interested in… Edgar Davids. Crazy but true! – South London Press

Wayne Rooney spends £10k on underfloor heating. For his dogs. Only he didn’t do that – Anorak

Lionel Messi is a fan of Ashley Young – The Spoiler

The many confused faces of David Beckham – Caught Offside

Joe Hart in his pants – Kickette likes this

Paul Scholes, this year’s Ryan Giggs? – Off the Post

Blackburn takeover could mean £100m for new players – Mirror

Triffic essay on Pele and the NY Cosmos – Run of Play

Let’s hear it for… Juan Riquelme – The Equaliser

How Scholes ran the show against Newcastle – Zonal Marking

                          

By Ollie Irish

The French Football Federation has suspended all 23 players of France’s 2010 World Cup squad for their next game (a friendly vs Norway in Oslo next month) at the request of new head coach Laurent Blanc. Way to make your mark, Laurent.

“I followed the events with sadness, I was disappointed with the sporting results and I was shocked by certain behaviours,” said Blanc, wagging his finger and shaking his head as he spoke (probably).

“I will integrate these elements into my analysis and my thoughts. I always had the principles, rules of conduct and not just in my sporting life. They have not changed and I will not change.”

Laurent Blanc: don’t make him angry – he will drop your ass faster than you can go on strike

This is a very good thing, but I wish Blanc had chosen a competitive match, rather than a friendly, which most of the French players will be happy to watch on TV, if it all.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Look at his face. Just look at his face.

Republic of Ireland and Villa defender Richard Dunne has expressed his delight at France’s dismal and karmic 2010 World Cup performance.

“I didn’t see it but I did laugh,” said Dunne, whose side were denied a place at the finals by Thierry Henry’s infamous handball in the play-offs last November.

“If you’re going to cheat to get there, you might as well try when you are out there but they didn’t even do that!” the Honey Monster added, barely concealing a massive grin.

Much more of this laughing at the French, please.

“I kill you later.”

                          

By Ollie Irish

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Robbie Keane’s wife Claudine on France’s highly amusing exit from the World Cup: “Maybe it was just bad karma and maybe it was [Thierry] Henry’s handball that came back around and bit them on the bum.”

Maybe? Definitely, not maybe. You know the entire population of Ireland was loving it when France pressed the self-destruct button, though no doubt that feeling was tempered by the thought: “Hang on a minute, our lads could give South Africa, Mexico and Uruguay more than a decent game.”

                          

By Ollie Irish

Words hardly do this abject game justice, so you’re better off looking at some photos instead…

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Uruguay fans in the stands

The French can only get better.

                          

By Ollie Irish

1 July 2006, Brazil v France in the World Cup quarter final…

The most complete individual display in World Cup history? Yeah, I think so. Zidane was almost untouchable that day, and that’s how I choose to remember him, rather than for the headbutt two games later.

Bonus gallery of Zidane in that match:

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By Herman Miller

Replacing football teams with ridonkulously hot women is one way of making the 2010 World Cup more fun. So in addition to our coverage of what happens on the pitch in South Africa, that’s exactly what Pies is going to do over the coming weeks… You’re welcome.

Here’s the second fixture in Group A, following hot on the heels of yesterday’s opener (South Africa v Mexico, which you can still vote on). Uruguay (represented Barbara Mori) take on heavyweights France (represented by Laetitia Casta).

Who wins? Do your research then vote. That’s all there is to it. (Note: there is NSFW nudity in France’s gallery, but I’m sure that won’t put you off)

Uruguay:

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France:

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Vote!

                          

France goalkeeper Fabien Barthez leaps over Brazil striker Ronaldo, as France’s Lilian Thuram looks on, during the 1998 World Cup final in Paris. France won 3-0 to lift its first ever World Cup, thanks to goals by the great Zinedine Zidane (2) and former Arsenal star Emmanuel Petit.

Photo: Michael Steele / EMPICS