By Ollie Irish

Franck Ribery clowns around with Bayern team-mate David Alaba (@ Bild)

Oh Franck, stop it. You are hil-arious enough simply to look at without this.

You really wouldn’t know Ribery was facing three years in prison after admitting to sex with an underage prostitiute.

                          

By Ollie Irish

“You looking at me? You looking at me? Please don’t, I’m hideous.”

Franck Ribery resembles the Bond villain you just rescued from a burning building, but he’s a multi-millionaire footballer so he doesn’t have to pay for sex. If you look anything like Ribery and you’re not a multi-millionaire footballer, well… sorry about that. I guess if you want to have sex, with a real live person, you only have two options:

1. You pay for it.

2. Rapey time! (too much?)

So, yeah, sorry about that.

Ribery has a presentable wife and, presumably, free sex on tap but that didn’t stop him from going out and sleeping with a 17-year-old prostitute, in a nightclub in Paris (In France, hookers must be 18 or older). She’s called Zahia Dehar and she looks like this:

Ribery claims he didn’t know she was underage. In his defence, she looks at least 25. And by ‘she’, I mean her breasts, ’cause that’s all I’m seeing.

Ribery’s compatriot Karim Benzema, who plays for Real Madrid (not very well) and who may or may not be joining Manchester United soon, is also implicated in this scandal, although he’s denied everything. He’s ridiculously good-looking – compared to Ribery – and you wonder why he would have to ever pay for sex, in any circumstances. Perhaps he just pretended to pay, so Handsome Franck wouldn’t feel bad.

Anyway, new developments afoot, in a case I first wrote about in April: Ribery and Benzema have both been detained and questioned by police, at the HQ of the Paris vice squad. Police have until Thursday morning to decide whether to release them.

                          

By Ollie Irish

The cream of the crop, will rise to the top, I never eat a pig because a pig is a cop etc. Here you go – the best 25 players at this year’s World Cup finals, in reverse order:

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25. Ashley Cole - England's best defender and one of their very few world-class players

So, not a sign of Stevie G or Super Frank Lampard. Agree/disagree? You know what to do…

EDITED: Ah, just realised I missed out Samuel Eto’o. Bah. He should be in there really, so let’s say he’s the unofficial No.26.

                          

By Ollie Irish

The concept behind this new Nike World Cup campaign is not new – one wrong pass and your career goes to the sh*ts, you end up living in a caravan park and you grow a massive beard. We’ve all been there. Fray Bentos pie tins on the floor, Stella cans full of cigarette ends. That sort of thing.

The full ad, which launches next week, sees Wayne Rooney passing to Theo Walcott in the dying seconds of a World Cup game against France – with the score 1-1. But villain Franck Ribery intercepts, dashing hopes of England glory. Merde!