If a picture speaks a thousand words, then let me present my 1,000-word Manchester Derby match report…

                          

By Chris Wright

Good news folks! Dynamo’s back, and this time his incredible card and shirt-based jiggery pokey is making Comrade Neville swear like a f**king navvy…

Thanks to Pies fan Tom for the nudge.

More of Dynamo’s Premier League bamboozlement on Pies…

Dynamo Turns ATM Receipts Into Tickets, Blows Nemanja Vidic’s Mind
Street Magician Dynamo Frazzles Bobby Zamora’s Brain

                          

By Ollie Irish

Let us take you back to a dark night for English football, in October 2006… Okay, this isn’t a banner exactly, but it always makes me laugh to see Borat’s stupid head somehow mocking poor Robbo for the bobble in Croatia that effectively – and unfairly – farked up his international career.

                          

DIMITAR Berbatov, who rarely moves quickly, is a good guess. It’s almost right. But one United star was even tardier than Berba, so much so that Fergie told him to get a move on…

Ten points if you answered Patrice Evra. Those Frenchies, they’re trouble.

                          

By Ollie Irish

“I’m too old for this shit.”

Manchester United club captain Gary Neville has been ruled out of the club’s pre-season tour of North America and Mexico because of a new injury.

The 35-year-old right-back will remain at the Carrington for treatment on a calf problem, as his United team-mates leave on Monday for Chicago.

Last season, Neville played well enough on his comeback from serious injury to earn a one-year extension to his contract. But a calf tear suffered in training means he won’t get to visit the Windy City this summer.

This is the United squad that will travel on Monday: Edwin van der Sar, Tomasz Kuszczak, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, Dimitar Berbatov, John O’Shea, Wes Brown, Rafael, Jonny Evans, Darren Fletcher, Darron Gibson, Chris Smalling, Nani, Fabio, Federico Macheda, Danny Welbeck, Javier Hernandez (will join in Houston on 27 July), Mame Biram Diouf, Tom Cleverley, Ritchie De Laet, Corry Evans, Ben Amos, Gabriel Obertan.

As you can see, Rio Ferdinand and Michael Owen don’t travel either, and it seems both may also miss the start of the season. According to Fergie, Owen is the more likely of the pair to be fit in time: “Michael is doing great. He is working in the gym every day,” the United gaffer said. “I do not think he will be fit to go to America [correct] but he should be ready for the start of the season.”

                          

“Kiss my badge you mothers.”

Our good friends at football gossip site Goaly Moly (for which I also write, I should add) posted up this triffic exclusive yesterday:

“Gary Neville is set to announce his retirement from Man Utd and professional football and will immediately accept an offer from Sky Sports to grab a place on their pundit panel in time for the start of the season.

“Red Nev was widely expected to have one final season at Old Trafford, but our sources say he’s made the decision to bow out this summer.”

Now I really didn’t see that coming.

Everyone is denying the story, of course, from Sky to Neville’s ghostwriter, but Goaly Moly stands by its sources.

Comrade Neville sat next to Liverpool stalwart Phil Thompson on Jeff Stelling’s ‘Soccer Saturday’ bench!? Yes please. That’s a prospect I’d pay Rupert Murdoch for. Beats Wigan v Bolton anyday.

I assumed Neville would play a season or two more at Old Trafford then join the Man United coaching staff, teaching young players how to kiss their badge and wind up Scousers, but apparently he’s chosen the sacred path of the pundit. If it’s true, Fergie will never speak to him again.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Updating a popular list we first published back in March 2007…

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 20

#20 David Bentley - Cocky son of a gun, could use a firm tap on the jaw

Photos: PA

NB. This is an entirely subjective list, which no doubt many of you will quibble with. Feel free to comment on your most slappable players, especially if it makes you feel better about me disagreeing with your opinion.