By Chris Wright

In which brave John Terry has his plums express-ripened thanks to a point-blank, crotch-seeking missile from a diligent pupil during a charitable visit to The Abbey, a special school for kids with learning difficulties in Farnham, Surrey.

Skip to the 1:38 mark for the moment of magic…

If that didn’t make you feel all warm inside, there’s a good chance you may be clinically deceased. I’d get that checked out if I were you.

Via OTP

                          

By Chris Wright

Word has just filtered through that John Terry is to be brought before the beak of the Crown Prosecution Service, after being charged with a ‘racially aggravated public order offence’ pertaining to the alleged abuse he alledgedly flung in the direction of Anton Ferdinand at Loftus Road back in October.

This comes after Terry was questioned under Police caution a week or so ago when ‘new evidence’ (apparently a second video) came to light. He’s now pencilled in to appear before West London Magistrates’ Court in early February.

Pretty amazing that ‘Teflon John’ Terry will be appearing in court over something that might have happened, rather than the several hundred disgusting things that he’s actually done over the years, but hey ho.

Said Terry himself:

“I am disappointed with the decision to charge me and hope to be given the chance to clear my name as quickly as possible. I have never aimed a racist remark at anyone and count people from all races and creeds among my closest friends.

“I will fight tooth and nail to prove my innocence. I have campaigned against racism and believe there is no place for it in society.”

For the record, Chelsea have released a statement saying they will be ‘fully supportive’ of their captain over the charges.

According to those in the know, the maximum punishment Terry is likely to receive, if found guilty, is a relatively paltry £2,500 fine (which is roughly equivalent to 40 minutes’ work for him).

But before anyone goes flying off the handle vis-a-vis the hugely disproportional punishment given to Luis Suarez, it’s worth mentioning that Terry hasn’t ‘gotten away without a ban’ YET. The FA are still to charge him and will definitely do so if he’s found guilty in a court of law. Criminal cases always takes precedence.

Any thoughts on the matter folks? Pies legal department would like to kindly urge you to keep them as un-libellous as is possible…

                          

By Chris Wright

Scotland Yard have confirmed that QPR received ’malicious communication’ addressed to Anton Ferdinand which was, according to several of the morning papers, delivered by hand to Loftus Road on Friday afternoon.

The death threat reportedly contained such graphic detail that the club weren’t even prepared to show it to Ferdinand for fear of further upsetting the centre-back who is, I’m sure you’re aware, currently embroiled in a Met investigation over allegations that he was racially abused by Chelsea’s John Terry.

Apparently the threat is being taken so seriously that the Police have even advised Ferdinand to install a panic alarm at his house.

First things first. Despite what Occam and his razor may suggest, there’s no evidence suggesting that the ‘death threat’ has come from a member of the Chelsea contingent so let’s leave club loyalties out of it.

This is an act of high stupidity and should be treated as such. It should not be dignified with any kind of territorial/tribal bullshit. Those responsible are f**k-witted morons. Let’s just hope they are benign f**k-witted morons that have no actual grasp on the severity of their actions, rather than actively malicious f**k-witted morons – both for Ferdinand’s sake, and for society at large.

Alas, I fear the more I see of man, the more I admire dogs.

                          

By Chris Wright

Chelsea have been quick to officially condemn chants about Anton Ferdinand that were sung persistently by their fans during last night’s Champions League tie with Genk in Belgium.

Fans sung ‘Anton Ferdinand, you know what you are’ repeatedly and with gusto throughout the night in, let’s call it…’misguided support’ of John Terry (who was on the bench) on the very same day that the Metropolitan Police opened a formal investigation into the allegations that Chelsea captain racially abused the QPR centre-half last weekend.

Chelsea released the following brief statement via a spokesman last night: ”The chanting was wholly inappropriate and we don’t condone it.”

Pithy and to the point, I like it. For the record, the incident has been reported to UEFA who, in customary style, will probably take a couple of months to do sod all about it.

Now, as for the chanting itself. First and foremost, the chants were racist. Thinly-veiled by a gossamer of disassociation, but definitely racist. The implication being that Ferdinand knows he’s a ‘f**king black c**t’. I won’t listen to a word said otherwise.

Fingers have been pointed at Andre Villas-Boas for not stating plainly and clearly that the behaviour of the Chelsea fans was unacceptable under direct questioning during his post-match interview – though AVB has made a point of maintaining resolute ‘radio silence’ to avoid influencing the outcome of the debacle ever since the initial incident. Which is his prerogative.

The chanting fans in Genk have no-one but themselves to blame. They tried to show (utterly futile) support for their skipper, defending the (allegedly) indefensible, but unfortunately weren’t possessive of the sufficient neuron count to do it rationally, productively or inoffensively.

We’re talking about fully-grown, presumably semi-cognitive adults here but the sad fact is that you’re average ‘vocal’ British football fan hollering obscenities from the terraces is a ding-a-ling moron, and when morons bandy together, moronic things tend to happen. At the crux, it’s a simple law of averages.

A positive to be taken out of this sorry mess is that the Terry/Ferdinand incident and subsequent chanting has seen racist abuse decried almost universally and instantaneously, whereas there’s a good chance it wouldn’t have even been a bone of contention in the not-so-distant past.

It’s clutching at straws I know but at the very least, regardless of these momentary set-backs, it appears that the good fight is slowly but surely being won.

                          

By Chris Wright

He’s already released a statement denying it, but John Terry is still getting flack from all corners this morning after the following video set the internet’s bathroom curtains ablaze last night, in which the Chelsea shitbag appears to call QPR’s Anton Ferdinand a ‘f**king black c**t, f**king knobhead’.

Here’s a slo-mo excerpt of the offending clip, make your own mind up…

Of course, after all the righteous indignation and mud-slinging subsides it will probably become apparent that Terry was actually only responding to Ferdinand asking him if he had just called him a ‘f**king black c**t’ by aggressively telling the QPR centre-half that no, he didn’t call him a ‘f**king black c**t’ and then adding the ‘f**king knobhead’ as a purely ad-libbed cherry-on-the-top flourish.

Just a question of context really.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Ollie Irish

John Terry: There may be trouble ahead

Tomorrow, the News of the World will run a cover story it has sat on for months (partly because a superinjunction forced them to do so).

Chelsea captain John Terry, whose family has had several encounters with the red-tops, will be named and shamed for allegedly cheating on his wife, Toni (pictured below). Yep, it’s another kiss-and-tell EXCLUSIVE, folks. God help us.

Tomorrow also sees Chelsea play London rivals Arsenal in a crucial Premier League match; the timing is not an accident.

Depressing stuff, but no one is surprised by this, surely. Is it possible for England’s malignant ‘Golden Generation’ to lose any more of its lustre?

                          

ONE of the best consequences of England’s dismal World Cup was the meme fun had with brave John Terry and his headfirst block.

The original incident, vs Slovenia:

The memes:

Love the internet.

                          

By Ollie Irish

It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead

Chelsea win 6-0 in crushing fashion, but no one bats an eyelid. Such is the machine-like power of the reigning champions. If Didier Drogba isn’t top scorer in the league this campaign, as I predicted, I will season a hat generously and eat it in one sitting.

Hapless Scott Carson giftwrapped a couple of goals for Chelsea but the Blues didn’t need any charity. As early warnings to title rivals go, this was emphatic and a continuation of last season’s flat-track bullying. And with Michael Essien fit again, boy do they look a powerful and well-drilled side.

Photo gallery:

                          

By Ollie Irish

Someone tells Carlo Ancelotti he left the iron on

The disclaimer: I know modern Premier League teams have big squads which they rotate, and I know there’s quite a difference between the team you pick for a home match and an away match. Just so we’re clear on that.

Okay, with that in mind, and remembering that this is just a harmless bit of fun, I want you to pick Chelsea’s best starting XI for the coming season – in the Premier League, mind.

I’ll go first.

The formation: With the squad they have, 4-3-3 is probably the ideal formation, as shown last season. So that’s what I’ve gone with.

The line-up:

Petr Cech

Branislav Ivanovic – Ricardo Carvalho – Alex – Ashley Cole

Ramires – Michael Essien (c) – Frank Lampard

Nicolas Anelka – Didier Drogba – Florent Malouda

The keeper is solid, the back four – minus John Terry, who is Chelsea’s third-best CB – is very solid, the midfield is full of running, and there is guile, power and pace up front. I’ve given the captain’s armband to Essien, simply because he’s awesome and he can lead by example. Overall, this XI looks formidable.

I’ve shown you mine. Now you show me yours…

Chelsea season preview

What is Arsenal’s best starting XI?

                          

By Ollie Irish

There were probably more villains than heroes at the 2010 World Cup. That’s not such a bad thing, as we all love a good villain. Here’s our top 10:

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 10

Mark Van Bommel - The man they couldn't book. In the final he became the man they couldn't send off. He's a dirty, charmless thug. A bad loser too.

Who’s your villain of the tournament?

Photos: PA