By Ollie Irish

Starring Bebe, a flying Evra (and his penis) and a classic Midnight Express moment between Chicharito and Berba. Click the thumbnails to see the full-size pics:

Photos: PA

Precitions for tonight’s game? I’m going for Valencia 1-0 Man Utd

                          

By Ollie Irish

Those cheeky Scousers, they don’t really mean it…

March 2003: Spotted in the Liverpool end at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium during the 2002-03 League Cup final – political banners at football matches are rare indeed. The Iraq War began less than three weeks after the final. I guess George W didn’t see this one.

Liverpool bombed Man Utd on the pitch (ahem), winning 2-0 with goals by Steven Gerrard and Michael Owen.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Rooney’s United debut, vs Fenerbahce at Old Trafford. Not three bad:

That happened on 28 September 2004, exactly six years ago. Today Rooney stayed in England as United travelled to Spain to play Valencia in the same competition. Whether he has an injury or he has been dropped is unclear, though United’s official line is the former.

More photos of that game:

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted that Wayne Rooney‘s lacklustre performances of late are directly due to the quagmire of tabloid bulls*t the reigning Footballer of the Year is currently up to his thick, gammon-like neck in.

In an interview with Gazzetta dello Sport, Ferguson said;

“I don’t believe he has a confidence problem but the boy is starting to realise finally, without any question, what kind of focus is on him as a human being. He is realising what it means to be at the centre of media attention for non-football-related questions.

I don’t think the boy can turn a corner at the moment without a camera on him. He can’t move without the paparazzi being on him and, for a young person, that is not what you want. You want to play and enjoy your football without that attention on you, because that can be quite exhausting.

He would like to keep playing with freedom, but the siege of the tabloids can wear out anyone.”

Now, whilst it is unquestionably true that the tabloid press are akin to morally barren vultures picking over long-dead carcasses until all of the sun-parched bones are completely stripped of all meat and sinew (a little allegory is good for you first thing in the morning), the fact that remains that you really shouldn’t be boning fame-hungry day-shift hookers behind your pregnant wife’s back – especially if you happen to be one of the most recognisable figures within the complete fallacy that is the sphere of contemporary English (and global for that matter) popular culture.

If you can’t do the time, don’t put your penis in places it shouldn’t be.

                          

By Ollie Irish

This is the first in a new series on Pies in which we track down former pros and see what they’ve been up to since they retired. We kick off with a Blackburn and Man Utd stalwart…

David May, superstar, he’s got more medals than Shear-er!

Then: Central defender David May made more than 200 club appearances for Blackburn Rovers and then Manchester United. He left Rovers in 1994, just one season before they won the Premiership, but in the end it turned out to be the right decision, as he was part of the famous United squad that won the treble in 1999 – although he didn’t play a single minute in their Champions League campaign (that didn’t stop him getting his hands on the trophy, mind), he did feature in the Prem and started in the FA Cup final that year, against Newcastle United.

Substitute May lifts the Champions League trophy in 1999

And that was pretty much the end of his career in the big time, which spanned all of the 1990s. At the start of the 1999-2000 season he was loaned to Huddersfield Town. A couple of years later, with age and injury taking their toll, he signed for Burnley, then wound down his playing career at non-league Bacup Borough. By this time, he was playing as much golf as he was football – he’s a useful lefty.

May was once voted one of the worst 50 players to play in the Prem (in The Times), which is plainly unfair, as you don’t sign for the likes of Rovers and Man Utd unless you’re a very good footballer. He’s never been thought of as a top-class player though – he just didn’t have the pace or touch – but he was a true pro, honest and dependable. He served his time, often on the bench for United, and did so without complaint. I know that most United and Rovers fans remember him with affection, for he rarely let them down.

Not that he was the quiet type. He admitted in a recent(ish) interview with FourFourTwo that he was one of the main practical jokers in United’s dressing room:

“When I wasn’t greeting Jordi Cruyff with ‘Dos San Miguels you dago bastard’, I’d urinate down team mates’ legs in the shower, cut the laces out of Nicky Butt’s new trainers or put Deep Heat in the kitman’s shorts.”

Lovely stuff.

Now: May turned 40 this year, and if you guessed he was running a pub in Lancashire, you’re some way out. He has worked in the wine trade for several years, importing South African wines with great success. A couple of years ago he emigrated to Dubai, where he teaches football at a local school. He returns to the UK often, to keep tabs on the wine business, and can often be seen at Old Trafford, working the hospitality suites, or offering his opinions for MUTV. And he still loves his golf.

If you have any nominations for players we could feature in this series, or if you would even like to write one for Pies, drop me a line: ollie@anorak.co.uk

                          

By Ollie Irish

Featuring the cutest mascot you ever did see…

Photos: PA

Fergie missed a senior United game for only the third time in his tenure at Old Trafford, because he was in Spain scouting Champions League group rivals Valencia. Not that his absence seemed to have any effect on a strong United side, which included Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen, Anderson, Park Ji-Sung and Javier Hernandez. And Bebe made his United debut, coming on in the second half for Park. He showed some glimpses of pace and power, enough to satisfy assistant boss Mike Phelan.

With Liverpool crashing out to Northampton, not to mention the exits of Chelsea (v Newcastle) and Man City (v West Brom), it was an extra-satisfying night to be a United fan.

So who’s for a United v Arsenal League Cup final? I wouldn’t bet against it.

The Beeb has the full match report

                          

By Ollie Irish

And lo, Fergie has passed the sacred armband to … drum roll … Nemanja Vidic. Old Red Nose explained his decision thus:

“Over the past few years Gary Neville has been club captain and team captain, but as we know, Gary’s been subjected to an incredible amount of injuries, so the inconsistency of Gary in the team made us have to look elsewhere.

“So when you go to pick a captain you want to pick a captain who is going to be playing every week. Defenders normally come in to that, far easier than the likes of Darren Fletcher. Because we have so many selections in midfield, from time to time we change that around.

“Paul Scholes doesn’t want to be captain, then you’ve got Darren Fletcher who has leadership qualities of course, but we change the midfield so many times. So therefore I chose Nemanja Vidic, who signed a new contract. He’s going to be our most consistent player. If he’s fit, he’ll always play.”

So Vidic wasn’t first or even second choice? And no mention of Rio Ferdinand, whose injury record is a concern.

I reckon Fergie sees Fletcher as the natural club captain, and the spiritual successor to Roy Keane (a true great United skipper) but his reasoning that Fletch won’t play every match is flawed: he offered the armband to Scholes first, but Scholes most certainly won’t play every match either. Strange. Especially as Fletcher is in outstanding form and surely has to be one of the few United players who should play as many games as possible.

Anyway, if Fergie did the maths and ended up with Vidic, it’s not such a bad thing for United. The Serb leads by example and he is one of the first names on the team-sheet. But I would have gone with Fletcher.

And what about Wayne Rooney, supposedly United’s key player. Rooney has not proved he is captain material, but perhaps that extra responsibility would be just what he needs to settle down.

Who would you give the armband to?

                          

By Ollie Irish

Still makes me laugh, even if I was spitting feathers at the time…

Poor Roy Carroll, with his face like a sad old frog, will always be synonymous with this moment, even though he got away with it – though how, I still don’t know; have you seen a more blatant phantom goal (it brings to mind Lampard’s effort vs Germany in the 2010 World Cup)? Indeed, it defined Roy’s career, which explains why at the age of just 32 – quite young for a keeper – he’s playing for… Odense BK in Denmark. No shame in that, of course, but it’s quite a fall from grace after being at Old Trafford just five years ago.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Wesley Sneijder‘s agent has revealed talks over a new deal at Internazionale have broken down.

The midfielder revealed earlier this month that he was hopeful of signing a contract extension, with Inter believed to be keen on an agreement that would keep him at the club until 2015.

However, Sneijder’s long-term future now appears in doubt after his representative Soren Lerby declared Inter had ‘broken their promise’.

“Financially we can’t work out a deal. Negotiations have been pulled off and will only be restarted if Inter will show an opening,” Lerby told Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf.

“Wesley was contacted by clubs across Europe after the World Cup final, but he was very happy in Italy at Inter. He felt he couldn’t leave the club after just one season and the very flattering words of owner Massimo Moratti, who stated he would be the leader for the coming years.

“Wesley would get a fantastic wage and he would get a clause with a high transfer fee. Unfortunately Inter couldn’t keep their promise.”

Lerby added: “Inter’s attitude gives him an awkward feeling. And this is strengthened by the interest of Real Madrid.”

Ah, and there’s the rub. Lerby fancies a fat signing-on fee, and Sneijder wants to follow Mourinho. I hear that Fergie would still be keen on signing Sneijder in January, but only if he could wangle a cut-price deal similar to the one Tottenham made with Real for Rafael van der Vaart. But if Sneijder’s going anywhere, it will be to the Bernabeu – not that I think they need him. Man Utd could really use a player like Sneijder though.

                          

By Ollie Irish

If you don’t mind me indulging in a spot of kneejerk-reaction action, then I have a rather predictable yet timely question for you: with Dimitar Berbatov playing so brilliantly, and not just against Liverpool (he’s been United’s best player this season), and Wayne Rooney blatantly out of sorts, in terms of his centre-forward play and also compared with last season’s feats (of course a below-par Rooney is still better than most players), are we witness to the moment when Berba assumes the role of Fergie’s No.1 striker? As a Spurs fan, I still love Berba and greatly miss his casual genius, and a part of me always wants him to do well.

Until very recently Rooney was United’s main man, their spearhead, the team’s talisman. But he’s lost his mojo, whereas Berba has regained his and then some. I prefer Berbatov as United’s lone striker because he is a classical target man, albeit one with extravagant gifts not usually found in a true No.9. And the Bulgarian’s very lack of flexibility – unlike Rooney, he couldn’t play as a left winger – can work to his advantage; it is the all-action Englishman who will tend to be moved around by his manager.

Okay, I know there’s no good answer here to what I admit is a flawed question; in the era of large squads, United don’t need to declare who their No.1 striker is, neither in public nor behind closed doors, but you know that Rooney’s ego must be fighting against his more selfless urges – Rooney is a tremendously generous team player but I wonder how he will react if Berba continues to threaten his alpha striker status? Based on his relationship with Ronaldo, I suspect he’ll cope – but Rooney has blossomed since Ronaldo’s departure for Madrid, and he’s no longer the sidekick: he’s the star turn.

Anyway, in the interests of trivial pub banter, your thoughts please (or even just a quick click in our poll below)…