By Ollie Irish

A few pics of Newcastle United’s stars training ahead of this weekend’s visit of big, ugly Stoke City in the Premier League. Andy Carroll vs Stoke’s central defence should be worth the price of admission alone.

Photos: PA

                          

By Ollie Irish

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Newcastle United's Sol Campbell rises to head the ball clear

Seven goals and for once Chelsea didn’t score all or even most of them. A stunning win for Newcastle, who weren’t at full strength themselves.

                          

WARNING: This clip may give you nightmares for several years…

…

At least he can see his cock now, poor bloke.

Via our eagle-eyed friends at Goaly Moly & Anorak

                          

WE present the top 10 pics from Newcastle’s thoroughly impressive demolition of Aston Villa on Sunday at St James’. It was a nightmare debut for Stephen Ireland (he doesn’t look match-fit, unsurprisingly), but it’s Villa striker John Carew who should be feeling like poo, as he missed an early penalty when the score was 0-0. Doh.

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Aston Villa's John Carew (right) misses a penalty

Photos: PA

                          

DID he? Judge for yourself…

From where I sit, it looks suspiciously like tached-up Joey Barton made a quick Hitler-style salute after scoring in Newcastle’s thrashing of Aston Villa today (4-0 to the Geordies as I write). And why not – if it’s good enough for Freddie Starr (and many others), eh.

Twas no doubt intended as a ‘comedy’ reference to his moustache, which he will now shave off – if he makes good on his promise to do so when Newcastle win their first match of the season. Or he might decide to keep the tache, as he’s playing rather well right now.

@DTguardian

                          

JOEY Barton has been growing a moustache for more than a week and it’s still weedier than Yossi Benayoun’s torso, and roughly on par with Gary Neville’s Red-hot fuzz:

Whilst I’m here, time for a very quick Barton Shit Lookalike:

Barton and Gary Oldman in Alan Clarke’s brilliant TV movie ‘The Firm’. Shit.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Not the most convincing performance by Man Utd, but it would seem churlish to pick too many holes in a 3-0 win. However, when you look at how Chelsea demolished another promoted team on Saturday, you can only conclude that once again, Chelsea have the edge over Fergie’s lot. And a clear edge.

Paul Scholes was magic, as he was in the Community Shield, but can he keep it up? With Waye Rooney in the doldrums, it’s up to legends like Scholes and Giggs to drive the team on, though the improved form of Dimitar Berbatov – who looks really up for it in a United shirt, at last – is a clear bonus.

Newcastle had their chances in the first half, when Andy Carroll should have put them ahead but he fluffed his header. In the second half though, they were outclassed. So, those taches stay for now.

Photo gallery (click to enlarge):

                          

By Ollie Irish

Best tache goes to… Joey Barton, who currently looks like a WWII fighter pilot. Andy Carroll’s facial furniture is a f*cking disgrace, frankly.

In other news, I would love it, just love it, if Newcastle don’t win a game until 2011. By then, Barton will resemble Fu Manchu – or Fu Manchav. Carroll will look exactly the same.

                          

By Ollie Irish

Le Grand Sol

Pies has scraped together a few pics of Newcastle United’s open training session, which took place today at St James’ Park.

Waoh, Andy Carroll – the one in the crop top – looks like the scariest woman you’ve ever seen. And Big Sol is still big.

Photos: PA

                          

By Ollie Irish

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Newcastle United's Sol Campbell during a training session at Longbenton Training Ground, Newcastle.

Jesus, Sol got BIG. I mean, even bigger than he already was. He’s the size of a small house now. Literally. You could turn his shorts into a massive yurt.

Put him in goal for NUFC and they won’t let in a single goal all season.