There was a lot to frighten a football fan at Stamford Bridge this weekend. Flying boots leaving players hospitalised? Check! Ranting Portugueser? Check! Shocking linesman? Check! Shevchenko playing like a Rushden & Diamonds part timer? Check check check!
All frightening, but what the hell spooked Robbie Savage here? Let us know what you think, and we’ll post some kind of answer just as soon as Mr Savage’s agent picks up his phone…

Life was a daily struggle for poor Sam The Eagle on The Muppet Show. The miserable feathered censor would be the constant figure of hatred as he tried to make a bunch of muppets put on a good show. Sounds a bit like poor Mick’s job at Wolves really…

Spare a moment’s thought for Viacheslav Malafeev. Not only is he called Viacheslav Malafeev, he played in goal for Russia last night. There was nothing he could do to stop Owen’s absolute screecher, as brilliantly captured here. And how nice was it to see Michael back in the kind of form? Newcastle fans must be simply gagging to see what kind of damage he’s going to cause against poor Derby on Monday…

Photo: Laurence Griffiths / Getty Images

Och! We’d already typed up our response for plucky Scotland’s brave performance against a rampant France last night. The brave jocks battled hard for 60 minutes at which point the Frenchers stepped things up a gear and ground out a 2-0 victory. That’s what should have happened, but the wee lassy AKA Lady Fate hate different things in mind. Her plan was for Scotland to win? Madness…
So “Och laddy!” you better toss my caber, because the skirt wearing gingers left the footballing world shell-shocked by beating France in France. Genuinely. It happened. Alreet? Nae bother.
Surely this has to be one of the haggis chomping McFootballers finest ever achievements? In our books, we’ve got it as their number two…
Photo: Getty

Okay, okay, we’ll be the first to admit it, we doubted Saint Steve’s capabilities at an international level. Yes, yes, we compared Lord McLaren to an artichoke (God’s worst vegetable) and laughed at his rubbish goldeny hair (well, what’s left of it). But we’ll also be first to admit that thanks to some of his wild decisions, England cruised to a much needed six points out of six. If it had gone tits up, decisions like playing Heskey would have seen him brutally destroyed faster than a kebab snuck into Fat Camp.
But were these brave decisions down to luck or genius, here’s how Pies sees it…

In mere hours time Wembley’s corporate boxes will be full of football fans stuffing their faces with lobster while their seats sit empty and England play Russia. Whatever the result tomorrow, one thing we can guarantee is that our red top Fleet Street friends at The Sun, Star and Mirror will come up with some glorious Soviet based headline puns. So can we beat them to it? Here’s our top guesses at what the hacks will go for, hopefully you lot can do even better…

Laughing at Germans has always been fun. With their love of the sausage, massive moustaches, and fondness of invading France, they’re not only easy targets, they haven’t a clue at why you’re chortling at them due to the fact most German’s lack laughing genes. Which is why we took such pride in poking gentle fun at their lady football star’s terrible mullet earlier in the week. As our sides reached splitting point looking at her gingery Barnet, we started getting comments. Apparently England’s very own Sue Smith has worse hair. A few phone calls and a google search confirmed this. Not only is it a bleached mullet. She’s tried to squeeze it into bunches. There’s litterally three hairstyles happening at once here. None of them good…

BREAKING NEWS! According to reports on TalkSport the famous tartan army have just reached the Eiffel Tower… in their thousands. Apparently up to 15,000 jocks are converging on the giant froggy hunk of steel for a bit of a party and a sing song.
That’s all fine, until you find out what they’re singing. “Do-a-deer-a-female-deer!” from The Sound of Music. Can anyone please tell us why the hell they’re singing this? And while you’re at it, can anyone think of any other odd ball International chants. The Italians breaking into the White Stripes Seven Nation Army at the last World Cup instantly comes to mind. As does the German’s singing “Football’s Coming Home” wihtout a trace of irony. So have you heard any other gems? Do Slovakia sing James Blunt? Do Russia sing Back in the USSR?

It was with much sadness that the yellow breaking news Sky Sports scrolly thing delivered us the news that Ian Porterfield had died last night. The double-hard Scotsman was probably best known for his time as a player at Sunderland, but he was also an international and Premier League manager.
Here, then as a mini tribute to the chap, are his top 10 sporting achievements as we see it. If you have any memories of Porterfield’s reign at your particular club / country please let us know…

If you’re shouting names at your computer screen now, there’s a new football quiz that might be right up your street. It’s called Who The Chicken Hell Are You? (clever) and it’s thanks to the betting into folk at Chicken Dinner.
Frankly some of the chickeny quizes are easier than pulling a chav in KFC. We got 12 out of 12 in the “When We Were Young Category” where you supposed to guess who the player is from their youth team mug shot. That’s worryingly easy since we’ve only got two GCSEs and a certificate officially labeling us “special”. However the other categories, are more taxing, more fun, and frankly if someone doesn’t tell us who the top right bloke in the “receeding” section is soon we might burst.
Anyway if you like quizzes, get there now by clicking the word quiztastic. And don’t forget to let us know how you scored…

alt="aaaaa52902051.jpg" src="http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/aaaaa52902051.jpg" width="210" height="220" />Our dear friends over at one of the interpipe’s finest portal of all stuff football (Fanbanta) have posted an interesting piece today on an Italian naughty nudie channel opting to show football instead of naked ladies and / or men and / or dare we say those who fall into both the male and female category.
The crux of this story is that Italian hardcore smut channel ContoTV (pronounce this right!) has shelled out thousands of Euros to screen Fiorentina’s UEFA cup first-round tie against Groningen. This is a dangerous situation as aside from those Keep On Jumping foxes trying to play football in the mud (click continue reading for anohter peak at them) we can never remember a moment where sex and football have combined successfully. Streakers are always ugly, British cheerleaders are always fat, and the only sex pipe we’ve ever seen at a football match was Peter Beardley’s popping out of those tiny 1980s England shorts. It made us do a sick in our mouth!

So what’s going on, would you welcome football on your sex channel? Would you prefer sex on your football channel? Oh God… Andy Gray naked… Nooooooooooo!
Photo: Getty

We’ll be honest we very rarely read the Glasgow Evening Times, due to (a) Pies HQ being 500 miles from Glasgee, and (b) us being HUGE fans of the Glasgow Evening Echo. But yesterday we read the future deep-fried pizza wrapper, whilst researching a feature about head-butting we’re trying to cobble together for some posh magazine. Anyway (or “anyhoo!” as they say in Glasgee) we’ll get to our point. Och!
The paper carried a story on the Tartan Army that has frankly warmed our cold cold heart. The thousands of kilt wearing legends, yesterday bravely forced the French police to re-open their favourite pub without remotely resorting to violence / croissant chucking. It’s a story that puts most football supporters to shame (and even more so us, for illustrating this story with Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons)…

Imagine we were one country. Men from Stoke could proudly walk through Paris wearing a tartan dress, the people of Wales would know what victory felt like, and England’s goalkeeping “crisis” (though that’s technically a bit of a strong word for poor Robbo) would be solved in a jiffy.
So if we were just one nation battling for qualification together, who would you pick in your starting eleven tomorrow night (injuries taken into account, so no Rooney or Healy I’m afraid). For our pick click onward…

Talk of ex Newcastle bloke Sir Fred buying poor Leeds from Sir Ken, which of these two elderly evils would you prefer in charge of your club? Let’s compare the two…

Punch Russian football into the interweb, you’ll get about ten sites offering near naked Russian foxes booting balls about, about 1000 sites yapping on about Roman Abramovich, a little about kids kicking balls on ice, and a truck load of grown men kicking lumps out of each other. The featured video, is an organised Moscow soccer brawl which reminds us of that newscaster brawl on the brilliant Will Ferrell movie Anchorman.
There’s still a major, major hooligan problem in Russia, much of it worryingly seems to stem around race and anti-semitism. So is New Wembley in danger of witnessing it’s first hoolie trouble this week? Fingers crossed no, but we’d be interested to hear what any of you with experience or knowledge of Russian football have to think on the matter. Let us know with your comments below.