By Ollie Irish

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Former West Ham star Paolo Di Canio watches the game from an executive box at Upton Park

Photos: PA

Subtitled: Scott Parker vs The World.

Anyone still think Chelsea won’t retain their title? … Nah, thought not. With Essien back at their centre, they look IMMENSE and almost unbeatable. I thought new signing Ramires looked useful too – no signs that the Brazilian will struggle to ‘get’ the Prem.

As for West Ham, I can’t see Avram Grant making it to October. And I just feel sorry for Scott Parker, surrounded by journeymen and heartless mercs.

A side issue: Time to drop Rob Green, surely.

Goal Of The Weekend: Scott Parker, West Ham v Chelsea

                          

THE best action from last night’s League Cup games. Because we care. A bit.

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West Ham United's Scott Parker celebrates scoring the winning goal against Oxford

Photos: PA

                          

1. Avram Grant is a dead man walking at West Ham. The hindsight police are onto you, Avram – you’ve been winging it, haven’t you!?

2. Referees (and policemen) are getting younger. I was both shocked and depressed to find out that the ref for Birmingham v Blackburn, one Michael Oliver, is only 25 years old. Twenty-five! The Prem’s youngest ever ref had a good game too, though his step haircut is a f**king disgrace.

Gareth Bale – not intimidated by big bully Ryan Shawcross

3. Gareth Bale is definitely the new Ryan Giggs – a Welshman who every Englishman wishes could wear the Three Lions.

4. Heurelho Gomes is playing like he did when he first came to Spurs, ie. like a blindfolded bull in a china shop. He’s all over the fucking place. Worrying, but I’m sure Redknapp is on the case. Nudge nudge.

5. Man Utd won’t win the league this season. I’m as sure of that now as I was before the start of the season, when I predicted Chelsea would retain the title, with Man City in second and Arsenal in third. Of course writing off Fergie is stupid, but then I’m stupid.

6. Tache japes aside, now that he’s fit and happy, Joey Barton is actually walking the walk. Worth an England recall? Yeah, I’m all for it. Barton and Alan Smith the new Gerrard and Lampard? It would be fun – while it lasted.

That’s us. What did YOU learn this weekend?

                          

By Ollie Irish

I have met David Coles, when he was Pompey’s goalkeeping coach, and the first thing I thought was ‘Bloody hell, it’s Davro!’

Lovely chap, David – glad he’s found a new job.

Spotter’s badge:

Stewart Pickard

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Send it to ollie@anorak.co.uk

                          

By Jacob Steinberg

Harry Redknapp on the West Ham bench with Frank Lampard Snr, in 1996

ENGLAND’S stock might be at an all-time low after their disastrous World Cup, but it is a small mercy that they haven’t disgraced themselves quite enough to require the services of Harry Redknapp. A man so slippery he could hoist himself out of a vat of cement, during the World Cup Redknapp could be seen delivering pithy one-liners on the BBC sofa to an array of fawning sycophants. Asked whether Tottenham were interested in the Japan forward Keisuke Honda, Redknapp quipped, “We asked CSKA about a swap for Bentley, but we didn’t think it was fair. A Bentley for a Honda!” Ha ha ha Harry! How very whimsical.

Redknapp is the man who disproves the theory of karmic retribution, seemingly never punished for his wrecking-ball approach to football management, each calamity somehow rewarded with an even better job. He is the man who managed to unite the fans of Portsmouth and Southampton in one common goal: hating Redknapp. That takes some doing. And yet for some unfathomable reason, all of his misdeeds somehow manage to disappear from public consciousness, as if by some Faustian pact.

Because of his roguish cockney demeanour, some journalists hang on his every word. When, before an England friendly against the Czech Republic in 2008, he had the temerity to criticise That Foreign Man Fabio Capello, simply for having the England job he assumes he should rightfully hold, this was reported without irony. After all, what do countless titles in Spain and Italy and a Champions League really amount to in the face of one spawny FA Cup victory with Portsmouth?

May I be so bold as to suggest Redknapp is definitely not the managerial genius his chuckling media chums have made him out to be? There is a certain beguiling nature to Redknapp’s ability to wing it, a quality he owes in so small part to our willingness merely to sweep certain misdemeanours under the carpet. Naturally, of course, that takes a pretty big broom.

* * * * *

FORGET, for a moment, the way he treated Portsmouth and Southampton and cast your mind back to the winter of 2000, and the way Redknapp wasted the £18m West Ham received from Leeds United for Rio Ferdinand. Believe it or not, at the time West Ham had a pretty accomplished team, which was admittedly the result of some considered work by Redknapp. West Ham had finished 8th, 5th and 9th over the three preceding seasons, and after a shaky beginning to the 2000-01 campaign, by November they were starting to motor.

After a 2-1 defeat at home to Arsenal in October, West Ham subsequently went on a five-match unbeaten run, which reached a crescendo with a 1-0 victory at Leeds, who were title contenders at the time. That success was achieved largely thanks to the sterling efforts of Ferdinand. By then, it was recognised that West Ham could not hold on to this prodigious youngster for much longer. Indeed Leeds had already registered their interest in him, and as he kept Mark Viduka firmly in his pocket all afternoon, the travelling West Ham fans sang, “You’ll never get our Rio.”

Famous last words. Ferdinand joined Leeds for £18m the following Friday. This was not exactly a disaster; West Ham were worried that the transfer market was about to collapse and the funds would offer them the chance to fine-tune an already promising squad, one that contained Paolo Di Canio, Freddie Kanoute and Trevor Sinclair, plus gifted tyros Joe Cole, Michael Carrick and Frank Lampard. While the sale of Ferdinand showcased a lack of ambition, it was not catastrophic. Calmly play the hand Leeds had dealt them and West Ham could potentially qualify for Europe.

That feeling was backed up the day after Ferdinand’s departure, when a free-flowing performance was enough to earn a 3-2 victory at Southampton. At this point West Ham were about as rampant as it is scientifically possible for them to be. They lost just one of their next six games, a 2-1 defeat at Leicester City, and produced one of the finest performances I’ve ever witnessed, stuffing an outclassed Charlton Athletic 5-0 on Boxing Day.

That shellacking of their south London neighbours left West Ham eighth, above Chelsea, Tottenham and Leeds, and just six points off Sunderland in third. At that juncture, there was little to suggest that Redknapp would be gone before the end of the season.

Redknapp instructs his West Ham players, in January 2001

This was an exciting time to support West Ham. Every day, the papers would link them with a new player – but as each day passed, so the targets disappeared. The last time West Ham had cashed in on one of their prized assets, it had been a shrewd move, as Redknapp used the £7.5m Wimbledon paid for an overweight and uninterested John Hartson in 1999 to bring in Scott Minto, Marc-Vivien Foe and, of course, Di Canio.

In this instance, he was dealing with different sums. £18m is a hefty figure, enough to make any man lose his nerve. And the comparison between Hartson and Ferdinand doesn’t really fit; one a nomadic if talented striker, the other a genuinely world class player who would eventually join Manchester United for £30m and captain England.

Among others, West Ham were linked with expensive moves for Gareth Southgate, Robbie Keane, Andres D’Alessandro and the prolific Spanish striker Javi Moreno. Even Neil Harris got a look-in. None of them arrived. Instead, from a position of strength, Redknapp was unable to shake off his wheeler-dealer instincts and did what he knew best, looking at strays, cast-offs and bargains, squandering the money like a Eurotrash moron in possession of his dad’s credit card.

Southgate, having fallen out with John Gregory, was eager to leave Villa and return to London, but the deal never materialised, and rather than sign one international defender to replace the one who had vacated the club, Redknapp chose to sign four mediocre players. In came Christian Dailly (£1.75m), Rigobert Song (£2.5m), Hayden Foxe (free) and Ragnvald Soma (£800,000). Rejected by Keane, Redknapp also paid Liverpool £2.2m for Titi Camara and Litex Lovech, £500,000 for Svetoslav Todorov. Kaba Diawara, Hannu Tihinen and Sebastien Schemmel were also signed on loan, although only the latter ended up with a permanent deal.

The spending totals £7.75m, leaving roughly another £10m, if you discount the massive contracts that were handed out, which made it difficult for West Ham to shift those jokers. The rest of the money was never seen in the transfer market, making it tempting to exonerate Redknapp and just blame the despised chairman, Terry Brown. West Ham were in the process of building a brand-new stand and it is eminently likely that some of the money was used to finance it. And yet, although it was never proved, there were also allegations made that Redknapp was persuaded by Brown not to spend the money, although the rumour remained precisely that: a rumour.

Redknapp welcomes new signing Bernard Lama to West Ham, in December 1997

Whatever, the signings Redknapp did make were, to a man, unmitigated disasters, particularly Camara, whose comically disproportionate contract cost West Ham millions. He had arrived with a mildly pleasing reputation after a decent first season with Liverpool, but out of shape, he made seven starts in three years with the club and failed to score a single goal. His first start came in the aforementioned defeat at Leicester, a match in which he squandered several chances, even managing to send the ball out of Filbert Street with one volley. Eventually West Ham cut their humungous losses and cancelled his contract in 2003. Todorov, a Bulgarian youngster, fared little better, although he did manage a goal on his first appearance at Upton Park, scoring in a 3-2 defeat to Tottenham in an FA Cup quarter-final. Redknapp’s replacement, Glenn Roeder, didn’t fancy him and in 2002 Todorov joined Portsmouth, where he carved out a reasonable career.

It was the defenders who caused the most disquiet though. Soma, a hapless Norwegian youngster, barely played; the enduring memories I have of him are an abject stint at left-back in a 7-1 defeat to Blackburn and a severe chasing administered by Chelsea’s Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink in 2002. Song, like Camara, was another Liverpool flop, although he at least initially showed some promise, so much so that West Ham fans mimicked their chants of ‘Rio! Rio!’ towards Ferdinand by singing ‘Rigo! Rigo!’

That happy little arrangement lasted all of seven games. In the first minute of a match at Manchester United, Song picked the ball up in the right-back position and, to the dawning horror of all those watching, proceeded to dribble the ball across his own area, scuffing a clearance straight to Ole-Gunnar Solskjaer and watching as the striker scored. Signed in November 2000, Song left in November 2001. Foxe’s sole contribution was to piss in a plant pot at a Christmas party. Oddly the only player to emerge with any credit was Dailly, who played the most public part in West Ham’s relegation in 2003. He was a dismal Premier League defender, but found his niche as a cult figure in The Championship, a status that was secured in a play-off semi-final against Ipswich, when he scored the winner with his knackers, an ironic twist of fate considering his galling impotence until then.

Somehow Redknapp managed to escape the blame for his abysmal signings, and although it was only a two-month spell in his career, the foolishness cost West Ham. Eighth in December, they only won three games in the second half of the season and only dragged themselves away from a relegation battle by beating Southampton in their penultimate match. Redknapp was sacked the following Monday for making criticisms of Brown in a fanzine, and was succeeded by Roeder, the cheap option.

The appointment of Roeder, out of his depth in management, gave Redknapp, the fans and the media a handy scapegoat when West Ham were relegated in 2003. Yet Roeder took over Redknapp’s derelict squad in 2001 – the truly remarkable achievement was lifting West Ham from 15th to 7th in his first season in charge. Unfortunately for the Redknapp-sceptics, Roeder’s portrayal as a clown and Redknapp’s as a wronged talent-spotter is a far better fit in the mythology. You’d have to admire the bare-faced cheek if it wasn’t so downright dastardly.

Jacob Steinberg is a freelance sports journalist for The Guardian, blogger for mirrorfootball.co.uk, and – for his sins – a professional West Ham fan

                          

By Ollie Irish

Katy Perry (West Ham) – See that scene in Pulp Fiction when Samuel Jackson’s character explains why he rarely eats burgers: “… My girlfriend’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian.” Perry is a West Ham fan only because soulmate Russell Brand is a West Ham fan (a real one). In other words, she’s not a West Ham fan at all and couldn’t tell the difference between Rob Green and Carlton Cole.

Prince William (Aston Villa) – In his early teens, HRH Wills chose to support Villa for reasons of geography and diplomacy: “It’s kind of in the middle of the country, isn’t it?” he said. Translation: “One must be even-handed – and not a little patronising – when dealing with one’s people, mustn’t one?” But he does own a Villa beanie hat, so I suppose some sort of bonus point is in order, your majesty.

David Cameron (Aston Villa) – The current British Prime Minister (Eton, Oxford) is as posh as Prince William, so he also chose a club in Middle England. Why Villa? His uncle, Sir William Dugdale, was Villa’s chairman in the late 1970s. Sir William Dugdale. Sounds like a straight-up hooligan.

Sylvester Stallone (Everton) – Once held up an Everton scarf to the Goodison faithful. Everton are the People’s Club, which fits with Sly’s well-maintained public image as the People’s Shit Action Hero.

Michael Jackson (Exeter City) – “When I asked him what does he know about soccer he said ‘absolutely nothing but I love Exeter City,’” said spoonman Uri Geller, master of bullshit and the self-proclaimed best friend of the now-dead King of Pop. In 2002, Geller saw to it that Jackson was made an honorary director of Exeter. City’s lack of success therafter – ever, to be fair – no doubt drove the final nail into Jacko’s solid gold coffin.

Lily Allen (Fulham) – Cried like a girl when Fulham lost in the Europa League final last season. Funny that, as no Fulham fan I know has ever seen her at Craven Cottage. Maybe twice, then. On this score, the singer can’t touch Hugh Grant, who is a proper Fulham fan and goes all the time, albeit with his wooden face always concealed under a baseball cap.

Tom Hanks (Aston Villa) – “I know a good football match when I see one. Years ago I was watching TV, a pretty good game with Aston Villa and I thought, ‘I like that name and those colours.’ Anybody can root for Chelsea for God’s sake!” Prince William, David Cameron… the co-star of Turner & Hooch. Quite the lineage.

Barack Obama (West Ham) – “Obama is a big sports nut and loves his soccer,” a source once lied. “He never really followed it, though [a-ha!], until he was told all about the passion of West Ham fans by some of his English relatives. He’s always keen to find out how his adopted club are getting on.” Second-hand passion – you can’t beat it.

Mike Tyson (Peterborough United) – Iron Mike showed up at Peterborough’s London Road last week, prompting people to gasp and say “Is that Mike Tyson?! Can’t be.. but it does look like his crackhead uncle.” Tyson grabbed the mic and told the expectant fans that he had never, ever heard of Peterborough United. We appreciate such honesty, really.

Derek Smalls (Shrewsbury Town or West Ham?) – In ‘Spinal Tap’ Smalls is seen wearing both a Shrewsbury Town shirt (the airport scanner scene) and a West Ham cap. Conclusion: Lukewarm is full of crap. Or confused.

                          

By Ollie Irish

“I have always dreamed of playing alongside the great Englishman Mark Noble.”

This just in from West Ham:

“West Ham United are delighted to announce the signing of Mexico FIFA World Cup star Pablo Barrera.

The winger, who turned 23 on 21 June, has moved to the Boleyn Ground from Mexican Premier Division side Club Universidad Nacional (Pumas de la UNAM) on a four-year contract with a one-year option for fee of £4m.

“Following the arrival of Barrera, the club hopes to announce two further signings within the next few hours. Details will be exclusively announced first on whufc.com.

“Barrera, who becomes the second new recruit this summer after Germany midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger, was able to complete his move after passing a medical and having his work permit application accepted by the Home Office on Thursday. He put pen to paper on Friday morning before giving his first interview as a Hammers player to whufc.com.”

And this is what Barrera thinks of his new club:

“I am very happy to sign for West Ham United and have been really taken by the reception I have received from the players and the manager. I have had a great welcome.

“I knew about West Ham when I was in Mexico. They are a big club and I have heard about the great players they have had in the past. I have heard a lot more about the club and its traditions since I have been in London and I am very excited to be here.

“I am very excited about the opportunity and the possibilities of playing for West Ham. I will do my best. The fans can expect that I will give 100 per cent to succeed for the team and to play better than I have ever played before.

“I am very fast and can use both feet. I like the one-on-one situations and to take on my opponent and beat my rivals. I like to excite the supporters. People have said that I am the sort of player that the fans want to have the ball as often as possible because I can make things happen.”

He’s fast and he can use both feet… hmm, sounds a lot like Jonathan Spector.

Barrera: Hit or Shit?

                          

By Ollie Irish

Pablo Barrera, on the run for Mexico in the World Cup, against Uruguay

West Ham United plan to announce “at least one exciting new signing” today. This sounds exciting until you realise that the signings in question are the very opposite of exciting: Mexico winger Pablo Barrera and former Portsmouth striker Frederic Piquionne.

Okay, that’s a tad unfair – Barrera is a lively little player with quick feet and could do well in England, when he’s not being pushed around by burly full-backs. Piquionne, though… Meh.

Barrera has obtained a work permit to move from UNAM in Mexico, while Piquionne is close to a reported £1million move from Lyon. The Hammers are also keen on £12m-rated Nice striker Loic Remy, but reportedly face competition from Roy Hodgson’s Liverpool.

An official West Ham statement read: “West Ham United are pleased to announce the club should be in a position to announce at least one exciting new signing on Friday.

“With the first-team squad flying out from London Heathrow to their German training camp on Friday morning, the hard work on bringing new faces to the Boleyn Ground is continuing, with an announcement expected to be made before the end of the day.

“The club is hoping to bring in at least two more new faces, adding international strength to Avram Grant’s squad ahead of the start of the new Barclays Premier League season.”

Excited? Or, as I suspect, underwhelmed.

                          

By Ollie Irish

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Former World Heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson is paraded on the pitch at half time during the pre-season friendly match at London Road, Peterborough.

Who should stroll out at half-time during Peterborough’s pre-season friendly against West Ham at London Road? You’ll never guess… okay, if you read the headline you might. None other than former heavyweight boxing champion and rapist Iron Mike Tyon. Crazy but true!

Mike took to the mic and admitted that he’d never, ever heard of Peterborough. Wow, he really understands how to appeal to us Brits.

Tyson is in the UK to give a series of talks, including one tonight in Peterborough, as well as make a TV show on pigeon racing – Mike breeds and races pigeons. Crazy but true!

For the record, West Ham won 2-1, thanks to goals by Carlton Cole and teenager Anthony Edgar (Jermain Defoe’s cousin).

                          

By Ollie Irish

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New West Ham manager Avram Grant poses for the media during a photo call at Upton Park, London.

What do we reckon – a good appointment? Safe – that’s the the word I’d use. Uncle Avram won’t let the Irons down, but neither will he set any pulses racing.