Pies Classics: Top 10 Truly Dismal FA Cup Songs

Chris Wright

30th, May 2015

2 Comments

By Chris Wright

Some absolute stinkers here…

10. We Are Wimbledon by Wimbledon, 1988

Nothing, repeat nothing, screams feverish FA Cup anticipation like a schlocky, mid-tempo, Chris De Burgh-esque ballad…

9. Oh Millwall by Millwall, 2004

Set to the tune of crooner standard “Volare” (recorded by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Barry White among others) and featuring both lyrics about the M4 motorway and a tuneless operatic reading of their players’ names as an intro…

8. Ossie’s Dream by Chas & Dave feat. Tottenham (and Ossie Ardiles), 1981

From back when it was okay to poke fun at foreign people’s accents comes this chirruping Cockney-to-the-power-of-Cockney nightmare…

7. Blue Tomorrow by Mike Connaris and Chelsea, 2000

Utterly forgettable dreck…

Fun fact: After previously co-writing Chelsea’s 1997 FA Cup Final song, “Blue Day”, with Suggs, Mike Connaris later went on to pen Cyprus’ 2004 Eurovision entry, “Stronger Every Minute”, for Lisa Andreas, who finished in a perfectly respectable fifth place.

6. Viva El Fulham by Tony Rees & The Cottagers, 1975

With a melody tea-leafed from “Y Viva Espana”, Sylvia’s package holiday-themed hit from the year previous, here’s Fulham legend Johnny Haynes introducing a fairly rank offering…

5. Here We Go by Everton, 1985

Graeme Sharp’s uncomfortable attempt at feigning faint enjoyment while obviously wanting to be absolutely anywhere else on the planet pretty much sums this shocker from the Toffees up…

4. Move, Move, Move by The Red Tribe feat. Manchester United, 1996

Surprising that even noted musical heavyweights Peter Schmeichel, Roy Keane, Gary Neville, David May, Tony Cotton, Gary Pallister, Steve Bruce, David Beckham, Denis Irwin, Andy Cole, Phil Neville, Paul Scholes, Paul Parker, Brian McClair, Ryan Giggs, Lee Sharpe, Nicky Butt and Eric Cantona couldn’t save this turd…

3. Let’s Dance by Middlesbrough feat. Bob Mortimer, 1997

Chris Rea classic re-imagined by Craig Hignett, Phil Stamp and co…

2. Hot Stuff by Arsenal, 1998

Just a sample of the peerless lyricism on offer here: “Started out the season; nothing stopped us, everything was going Wright, Wright, Wright! Walking in a Bergkamp Wonderland, when Parlour was our Ray of light…”

1. Do The Ayatollah by Cardiff City Fans, 2008

A laboured, Welsh-accented rap to the tune of the “Macarena”? What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. Everything could go wrong…

Funnily enough, presumably appalled by the brazen shiteness of ‘Do The Ayatollah’, Cardiff striker Steve Thompson wrote and recorded his very own FA Cup song for 2008.

It wasn’t an awful lot better…

Bonus: We couldn’t pass on the opportunity to include Wigan’s majestic 2014 FA Cup semi-final anthem, “I’m From Wigan, Me!” by Chockinfeckle, featuring Dave Whelan on tub bass…

Any further nominations, Pies fans? Give us a little nudge down below, so to speak…

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2 Comments

  1. Ewan G says:

    Glad to see we got in at Number 3.
    I remember most of these but not the Man Utd one.
    And Ossie’s Dream is brilliant!

  2. EdinburghSaint says:

    Given the Everton song, I can only assume that something was put in the water during the 80s that stopped people being able to wave a scarf properly. And don’t you just know that Derek Mountfield was the sort of person who had a shirt and tie under his tracksuit!

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