TWO days to go until the Germans call on England in the World Cup und ve are gearing ups furhrer die contest… Gawd. It’s contagious. But before we strafe the passersby with imaginary ack-ack fire and sing about ten German bombers with arms outstretched, the Sun announces on its front page:
“GERMANS WORST AT PENALTIES”
“Das boots is on the other foot”
News is that during practice England have a higher success rate in scoring penalties than the Germans:
England: 80.6% scored
Germans: 79.3% scored
The Sun says:
“It means fans should not be too nervous” should the match go to penalties.
The Sun has lost its mind. And to further put English minds at rest, Jermaine Defoe says he is ready to take a spot kick. This is the same Defoe who has missed six out his least 11 penalties for Spurs. And, no, none of those were in the white heat of a World Cup match with Germany.
Take a pill, In-ger-landers. But look out. Das Ist Var! The Star says Franz Beckenbauer “declares war” on England. Der Kaiser says Germans have nothing to fear from “our friends from the island”.
The Star has more:
“Ze Hun are big on fun”
And at time are they are no more fun than when the British tabloid press is cranking up the jingoism ahead of a football match. Should there be any afters, the tabloid press will talk of England’s shame. But for now, let’s get at zat master race.
The Mirror employs Professor Pete Beck to say:
“Whenever England and Germany meet in sporting clashes, it’s built up as a re-enactment of the world wars – mixed in with a replay of the 1966 World Cup final.”
Prescient stuff from the professor of football-ology, readers.
But wait a moment. The Germans aren‘t really Germans. They might even be less German than the English team. The Mail says:
To long-suffering England fans, Germany’s footballers are an all-too familiar foe. But the side that the Three Lions will face in Sunday’s World Cup clash is anything but representative of the old Germany.
In fact, many of them wouldn’t have even been able to play for the three-times World Cup winners, until a recent change in the country’s strict citizenship laws.
A pox on those laws! What is the world coming to when you can’t even rely on the Germans to be xenophobic?!
To help Englanders and neo–Nazis best understand who the real Germans are the Mail highlights the arrivals:
Under strict citizenship laws dating back to 1913 and the reign of Kaiser Wilhelm II, only children born in Germany to parents who were both Germans themselves could be considered German.
At the time Germany was in a frenzy of nationalism as it armed in preparation for the First World War.
They were not repealed until 1999 as Germany – mindful of having the most dramatically declining birthrate in the world – finally made it easier to become a citizen of the Fatherland.
Which means a tolerant and free Germany can now field:
Serdar Tasci (Turkish parents), Mario Gomez (Spanish dad), Boateng (Ghanain dad), Aogo (Nigerian dad), Klose (born in Poland), Podolski (born in Poland), Trochowski (born in Poland), Marin (born in bosnia) and Cacau (born in Brazil).