Robin Van Persie: A Misty-Eyed Love Letter

Chris Wright

5th, March 2012


By Chris Wright

No need for that! Jesus, just take the damn compliment

Oh Robin, with your salt and pepper-flecked temples and your eyes; dark, wild and darting, like two endless pools of Castrol sump oil. Your left foot: cultured and versatile. Your right foot: used mainly for standing on. You lovely, lovely Dutchman. I just want to peel off your skin and climb inside you. Y’know? Wear you like a babygro…

Sorry. Got a little carried away there. Apologies to anyone affected.

Ahem. Right. While Liverpool were occupying themselves with missing their sixth penalty and hitting the woodwork for the 21st and 22nd time this season at Anfield on Saturday afternoon, Robin van Persie left Merseyside having scored his 30th and 31st goals of 2011/12. Liverpool had the upper hand for the vast majority of the game, Van Persie won it for Arsenal like a deadly sniper lurking amidst the rubble of Stalingrad until glory beckoned and his trigger finger twitched…

‘Tis my express belief that no-one else of that pitch would have scored that volley. No-one.

While not nearly as demanding as Van Persie’s beautifully-executed volley against Everton a month or two ago, the unflinching technique and innate confidence required leaves only one other candidate who theoretically could have tucked it away in that situation: Luis Suarez, though he’d have been sprawling on the turf long before the ball reached him because – and here’s an important lesson for the kids – dredging for penalties is a lot easier than actually doing some football.

RVP had one chance to snatch victory (and three vital points) from the jaws of mediocrity for Arsenal – with an arching 30-yard ball dropping over his shoulder in the 92nd minute – and it was never in doubt. This is exactly what makes him a world class forward, as spurious and subjective-a-categorisation as that may be. ‘Prolific’ is technically a perfectly fitting description, but that doesn’t really do his total contribution to the Arsenal cause justice.

According to Opta, Van Persie has now scored ten match-winning goals in the Premier League so far this season – four more than anyone else.

Like Thierry Henry and Cesc Fabregas before him, as one of the sole finished articles in the club’s flux quagmire of adolescent ‘potential’, the once-cripplingly timid boy from Rotterdam has stepped into the void as Arsenal’s totemic talisman, their monolith…

‘Absolutely essential’ is somewhat nearer the mark.

Without him, Arsenal are next to nothing in terms of top four competitiveness and, perhaps more importantly, he’s begun carrying The Weight (the very same burden that eventually gave Cesc a hunchback) with a spring in his heel, a playful flexibility in his wrist, a grin across his face and a non-stop cavalcade of world class finishes to salivate over.

After his exploits at the weekend, Arsene Wenger has come out this morning and claimed that he will do ‘everything in his power’ to coax Van Persie into signing a new deal at the Emirates (his current contract expires in 2013) meaning that they may well have to blow apart their fiscally-conscientiousness wage structure to do so. That said, risking the insolvency and liquidation of the club may actually count as a calculated risk in this situation.

Speaking strictly as a neutral; Robin, if you’ve had enough and you do decide to go chasing rainbows elsewhere come next summer, please let it be Man City, because I will sob until Kingdom come if you leave Match of the Day for either one of those bickering arseholes in Spain.

Lots of love,


Posted in Arsenal, Featured, Opinion

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  1. Tom says:

    the antithesis of the current torres

  2. LMG says:

    Scored two goals from the only two passes he received in the box (and from his only 2 shots attempted). Someone should clear up the misconception about his “chocolate” leg; before this match I read a statistic where most of his goals this season ended up being with his right leg.

  3. Mr. Sparkle says:

    Don’t use spell check? nuetral, what the fuck is a nuetral?

  4. Arsenesbrasso says:

    Saw a ‘quip’ on the BBC site that said that the Arsenal Megastore were selling RVP commemorative tea trays capable of supporting 10 mugs!!!

    That’s not entirely fair but he’s had one a helluva season – it’s nothing short of when Roy Race won the European Cup for Melchester Rovers after losing his leg in a helicopter crash.

    If it were up to me he’d be offered £10 million p/a, decent signings & of course the statue – although the RVP monolith is a pretty cool idea.

  5. Congo says:

    My only hope is that he follows the path of his fellow legend of a dutchman: Bergkamp…and retire with the club.

  6. ressurectionjoe says:

    lol man city….and i was just about to start praising your funny article and how well-written it is and witty at the same time but then you went on to show that you’ve got no class whatsoever in wanting to see RVP in a scumbag Emptyhad stadium owned by Sheik Alihalabalalalabibibi who is, alongside Abramovich, murdering football. Truly disappointing end to a good article

  7. jackie wilshere says:

    i’m with congo

  8. Chris says:

    Why would anybody want to go to City? How can you look at that team and think that it is a good place to go to become a better player? Everbody seems to go there, become disgruntled, and want out. Or like Nasri last year you can go from being an outstanding player, possibly one of the best in the EPl, to mediocracy. Sure occasional players succede there for one or maybe two seasons but come on, City is a melting pot of greedy players. From my perspecitve that is not the sort of teammates that I would want to go out onto the pitch with.

    Secondly I feel RVP is going to remain a Gunner. We all knew Cesc was going to leave, I mean seriously all he did last year was pout and play half ass. I don’t think anybody could say that RVP is looking to the exit. And to add to that it seems to me that he is in a bit of debt to Arsenal; how long have we stuck with him? “In sickness and in health” as it were. He is happy in London and will bring the mighty Gunners back to brilliance.

  9. Scott says:

    He could go on and surely win some trophies. Understandable. But, I think he knows that if he stays, he could have a statue outside the stadium waiting for him and will be a person forever linked with the club, much like Henry. Always welcomed back and a true Arsenal legend. His name would be sung from the fans for a long, long time and would get the respect not just from Arsenal fans, but football fans in general.

  10. sloth says:

    RVP is pretty much the only thing bringing people into the Emirates; Wenger needs to splash some of that cash and bring him some proficient support players. More than the requisite 18-year old French “starlets” for £500,000.

  11. ressurectionjoe says:

    well then, fair enough my good sir

  12. J says:

    Van Persie’s in blistering form. Some thanks should go to Alex Song too. The man’s final pass has been lethal of late. RVP’s goal against Liverpool, RVP’s goal on Everton, Henry’s winner against Leeds…

  13. WildScotsman6 says:

    I feel Arsenal are like my fantasy league football… barely hanging on because of RVP! ha! That aside, the man is pure quality right now and I, as a neutral, honestly couldn’t think of any other team he should be playing for. Arsenal seems right for him.

  14. Joe says:

    He still cost us the World Cup. I’d take Huntelaar over him any day of the week and twice on sunday.

  15. V says:

    Good piece, Chris.

    Addressing the right foot stigma… He has more of an off foot than any other of Premier League’s strikers, by big margin.

  16. captainobvious says:

    Fuck you mr sparkle. You knew he meant to write neutral so don’t be a cunt about it and ignore the rest of the article for one fucking spelling mistake.

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