Arsenal: Unai Emery Introduces Blanket Ban On Players Drinking Fruit Juice In Bid To Improve Performance

Chris Wright

30th, August 2018


Because all football managers are basically petty dictators and/or meddling so-and-so’s, Unai Emery has reportedly banned every Arsenal player from imbibing the noxious filth that is fruit juice.

According to AS, Emery and his assistant Juan Carlos Carcedo have introduced a blanket ban on delicious elixirs such as Um-Bongo and Capri-Sun (both renowned for their health-giving, life-extending properties) on the basis that they and their ilk contain too much sugar.

Emery has decided to go a step further and eliminate fruit juices, which contain a lot of sugar, to try to improve the performance of their players.

It is clear that the Spanish coach is very serious about having all his players in top form.

Of course, managers are happy to watch their players quaffing club-sponsor energy drinks and gooey sachets of saccharine paste to up their energy levels, but fruit juice is the line in the sand.

Memories suddenly flow back of Paolo Di Canio banning ice cubes and singing in the showers upon his huffy arrival at Sunderland in 2013.

Silly bollocks, is what it is.

Posted in Arsenal

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  1. Bruno says:

    They need some defenders, some midfielders, a center forward and soon a new manager. But that’s only if they are interested in finishing above Huddersfield on the table.

    If not, then banning fruit juice should be enough :)

  2. Fart Garfunkel says:

    Actually, it is harder for our bodies to process the sugars alone in juice. It is better to eat the fruit instead.

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