By Chris Wright
Introducing the one and only Elvis J. Eel, erstwhile mascot of Southend United and a truly sorry, sorry sight if ever there was one..
Do eels have ears, or are those supposed to be vestigial face fins?
We can imagine the board meeting:
“Chaps. We need a new mascot. Something that embodies Southend’s never-say-die spirit, our noble, warrior-like ethos and the faint fishy aroma that envelopes the town.”
“One word: Eel.”
“Ah yes, the mighty eel. Sure to strike fear into the hearts into all our of enemies.”
“And what about mixing in a bit of Elvis Presley too? Everybody loves Elvis. Sideburns or a quiff or something?”
“Now you’re thinking! Right lads, I do believe we’re done here. Let’s f**k this right off and get back on the cocaine.”
The worst bit? Elvis is only one of two craptastic mascots belonging to Southend, the other being the equally baffling and vaguely phallic Sammy Shrimp…
What a team.
UPDATE: Oh sweet Jebus. It gets worse…
— Dave (@SchummerDave) July 15, 2015
More Craptastic Mascots on Pies…