Collymore’s Wikipedia entry lists him as a ‘retired footballer’. Shouldn’t that be ‘retarded footballer’?
Stan the Man penned a quite incredible treatise in the Mirror yesterday, expounding the Stan Collymore Formula For a Brighter, More Entertaining Premier League – cause, you know, as a league it’s really struggling right now (zoinks!).
Here are a few choice quotes from what ranks as one of the most ill-conceived pieces of sensationalist ‘journalism’ (zoinks!) I’ve ever read:
Stan says: “I would actually like to see the Premier League comprised solely of the 20-25 clubs who have been the biggest and most successful sides in modern history.”
Pies says: How very forward-thinking of you, Stan. Quick, shut the door before Stoke and Hull get in… shit, too late.
* * * * *
Stan says: “And there would be no promotion or relegation which would allow those teams to grow.”
Pies says: To grow – yeah, at the expense of all other teams, who would be forced to look in, freezing faces pressed against the window of Stan’s cosy shop. This isn’t the NFL, with established franchises and a college system – football clubs need the carrot/stick of promotion/relegation to fuel ambition.
* * * * *
Stan says: “Fans around the world want to see the huge games – not clashes involving clubs like Barnsley, Watford or Hull.”
Pies says (in Chandler Bing voice): Could you be any more patronising? OK, you have a point about Hull. Still, I’m starting to think now that Stan is actually a robot made by Sky Sports and controlled from a glass booth inside Stamford Bridge by Jamie Redknapp. “This is a huge game, Richard, huge.”
* * * * *
Stan says: “My main grievance is the reason why the likes of Wigan, Hull and Reading have got into the Premier League. For the most part it is due to wealthy benefactors who have bought into them because they are cheap investments.”
Pies says: And what about the way in which the big Prem clubs use their power and wealth to maintain an oligarchical regime? You can only make money from the lucrative Champions League if, er, you’re in the Champions League – that money allows you to balance your books/buy better players than other clubs, which … keeps you in the lucrative Champions League. Vicious circle alert. Never mind that Wigan and co. got into the Prem by playing better football than their rivals in the Championship.
* * * * *
Stan says: “Most people with the of greatest respect do not tune in to watch Wigan against Hull – they tune in to watch Liverpool versus Chelsea.”
Pies says: Yeah, he’s definitely a Sky Sports robot controlled by Jamie Redknapp.
What do you make of Stan’s guff? Do you think he has a point, even a teensy-weensy point? Or is he just a dumb Brummie with a penchant for dogging?
[Cheers to Danny Jamieson for bringing the article to my attention]