Cristiano Ronaldo Is Much, Much Better Than You

Ollie Irish

12th, July 2010


By Alex Netherton

Do I have to do everything around here?

Ronaldo had a crap World Cup. Ronaldo’s a smug bastard. Ronaldo did a wink once and it was bad.

Yes, all true. But Cristiano Ronaldo is also an example to us all, showing us what we’ll never be: he’s comfortable in his own skin to the point that he no longer needs much human interaction. Some people might withdraw from society because they don’t have the personal skills or the qualities to keep their head above water, emotionally or financially. Ronaldo has let us go because he’s decided we’re simply not necessary for his happiness.

One of the criticisms he had at Real Madrid last year was that he didn’t pass much, that he was determined to do it himself. Who was there to pass to? Raul, an undroppable old shithouse that not even Spurs want. Kaka, a semi-fit God loon. Benzema, a man who had such a poor first season that even Manchester United could now conceivably afford him. What would be the point in involving any of them?

The same kind of thing was said about him in his final season at United. But you can make the same points. He started injured, came into a flailing team and ignored everyone but Wayne Rooney. It got them the title. Had there not been an early goal, and had Ferguson not submitted to tactical squeaky bum time and shit himself, they might have stood a vague chance of retaining the Champions League too. Look at United last year, dreadful but for Wayne Rooney and the Christ-bettering Patrice Evra. Ronaldo’s not selfish, he’s just a year ahead of us all. Better than all this, he cried with happiness at John Terry suffering in the Champions League final.

At the World Cup, people say Ronaldo was not as dominant as he was in European football. No, he wasn’t. But Lionel Messi played with Kun Aguero, Carlos Tevez and Gabriel Milito. I know he also played with wannabe Scouser (is there anything lower?) Gabriel Heinze, but he was with some fine players. And he failed. Ronaldo was stranded on the right wing for most games, managed by ineptitude’s very own Carlos Queiroz. This manager has spent his career emphatically demonstrating he is a consistently brilliant assistant – he gave Rio Ferdinand a functioning brain for a couple of years – but he’s the least deserving number one since someone pissed on James Corden when he was on fire. Ronaldo played with Miereles, an FC Porto lumberer, and renowned thinker Hugo Almeida as his football sounding board. No wonder he looked like he couldn’t be arsed with the rest of them. He probably couldn’t.

My argument here is less to do with football, but it looks like Ronaldo’s paid a surrogate mother to have his kid. Given how much heartache the average person endures for his life – about 50 bottles of whiskey’s worth – he’s taken a far more sensible decision. Child? Yes. Interaction and Freudian nightmare of a family? No thanks! His confidence that the rest of humanity is so clearly unable to even function in their most animalistic ways – bringing up their young – betrays an outlook on life I can really get behind.

If you still think I’m talking guff, try this:

Think of twelve people at work you actually trust to do their job properly.

Take a look to the left – surly clown.

Take a look to the right – borderline illiterate.

Look at your line manager – barely understands his own job.

This is what Ronaldo’s worked out already. But Ronaldo trains six hours a day and is leaner than a plastination model. He genuinely tries to be the best player he can ever be. Do you try to be the best office worker you can be? No. See – Ronaldo is better than you.

Posted in Featured, Opinion

Share this article: Email


  1. Ollie says:

    Alex on the fence again.

  2. Montesquieu says:

    Ronaldo is borderline illiterate. After spending all that time in England, he can’t speak English to save his life.

  3. Alex says:


    A) Congratulations for criticising someone’s language skills while not grasping the meaning of the word illiterate

    B) He doesn’t speak perfect English. Clearly he’s decided we’re cunts. He’s right. Another plus for Ronaldo.


  4. Charlotte says:

    Errr!! Why must he be so beautiful!? I wish he’d get in an accident and have his beautiful face disfigured so I wouldn’t be attracted to nor interested in this conceited narcissist! Beyond his beauty, there isn’t much to like especially after he abandoned his parental responsibilities to his newborn son so he could relax and build on his relationship with his girlfriend. If he weren’t so perfectly gorgeous from head to toe, he wouldn’t be half as famous as he is and his head wouldn’t be so big and I wouldn’t be insanely jealous of his girlfriend. Who cares about his money? Bill Gates has more but I don’t envy his wife since she’s married to a dorky-looking guy, but Cristiano’s girlfriend is with THE WORLD’S HOTTEST MAN – a man millions of women obsess over and covet and she knows this! I’m crossing my fingers that something awful happens to him to bring him off his pedestal and rob his girlfriend of her sunshine.

  5. mm says:

    your comment is sick, how can you wish anyone something bad? just becouse of your are jelouse? omg I just can’t belive what people could think and say.

    btw great article, great player and great guy

  6. the canon says:

    @mm: great player? most definitely, without a doubt. great guy? wide of the mark im a afraid. theres also a laundry list of actions and teammates alike who have said he’s a douche and a narcissistic asshole

  7. Joe says:

    You can be Ronaldo’s team mate in social life…he’s better and you will also get the satisfaction guaranteed…

  8. Sgoooo says:

    “Raul, an undroppable old shithouse” How dare you mock an icon! Try watching a few madrid games before spewing this shit! He barely played last season, and rightly so, how is cristiano supposed to pass to him????? You are beyond disrespectful to an all time legend and all round good guy. What is wrong with you????????

  9. ADslive1 says:

    Raul was a great player in his prime..but now has passed his time ..i agree with what was said about ronaldo in thier article well written

  10. Manjo says:

    @Sgooooo exactly what i was thinking

    Ollie you are going to lose alot of long time readers with some of your latest blogs

  11. kathmcp says:

    Well said. Like it :)

  12. Ron says:

    Yeh we would as good as him too if we had 6 hours a day of training

  13. Joe says:

    Wow, Alex, I bet you have a big poster of him above your bed, don’t you? Ronaldo is nowhere near the best player in the world anymore, and those pink hotpants he pulled out some time ago disqualify him from ever being better than me. Pointless, stupid piece of fan fiction.

  14. Lamesa says:

    Is he a Hull City fan?

  15. Jayson says:

    Ronaldo had his years. We now have thomus meuller, lionel messi, david villa, inniesta, Diego folan, Kaka.

  16. alex says:


    You’re right. This blog IS better than Dickens

  17. Gibby says:

    Who ate all the pies – what’s happening here. I thought it was a footbal site not Charlotte – stick to Heat magazine. Ronaldo’s a dick a proper dick. Could you imagine sitting down and havin a pint wey him….afraid not. I’m surprised the Bernabau hasn’t had mirrors fitted around the side of the pitch instead of ad boards. Wouldn’t be out of place in the Engerland team mind. Decent player on his game but i remember watching Mr Puyol giving him a lesson or 3….. old Awec must’ve had a right old time trying to knock that shitty attitude out of him. I’d have a one legged Iniesta/Xavi anyday…. Charlotte google them and compare their wee pics.

  18. David-Concernedfan says:

    Alex, have you had trouble making friends in the past? “he’s comfortable in his own skin to the point that he no longer needs much human interaction” Yes, you can use your perception of Ronaldo as being a solitary, independant, successful man as justification for social shortcomings OR you can bypass your ego and sink to the rest of humanities ‘lowly’ level?

    “the rest of humanity is so clearly unable to even function in their most animalistic ways – bringing up their young – betrays an outlook on life I can really get behind.” There is real pain here isnt there?

  19. shay says:

    Hey, how did you see my co-workers? Amazing!

  20. simone says:

    Agree shay

  21. lita says:

    Most of you have based your opinion about him from headlines in gossip papers. What does that say about you?

  22. Joe says:

    Again, the pink hotpants said more than a thousand headlines in gossip papers ever could.

  23. mm says:

    @canon if you read any interview from his team mates,or anyone who met him, you would know thay all said he is great guy, they were surprised too, cause real CR off the field has nothing to do with CR on the field and impression people have about him.

  24. J says:

    I guess I can say I hate Cristiano Ronaldo (“footballistically” speaking). That aside, I’d say he’s as much talented as 50% of his job-mates. That said, his effort and hard work and where he took his life to is clearly a lesson to us all, the ones who lead an massively uneventful life and won’t be remembered for shite.

  25. Johann says:

    Cristiano on the field does what he does because that’s just the way he plays and I would play like that too if I had shitty team mates, but i watch and he does passes it to Higuain whos a decent player and others, He just gets frustrated seen his team lose to Barcelona or the next in line that he just wants to do it himself. Anyways spot on the Article.

  26. Max Power says:

    What a load of auld muck. Obsessed much?

  27. Nello says:

    Poor Alex. Christiano Ronaldo is better than no one. Not even you.

Leave a Reply