Michael Owen Has Only Ever Seen Five Movies In His Entire Life – ‘Cool Runnings’ And ‘Ghost’ Are Two Of Them

Chris Wright

15th, August 2014


By Chris Wright

Michael Owen

Giving a fascinating insight into the beige mind of one of the most beige people in existence, the Guardian’s Small Talk chaps have been busy interviewing BT Sport pundit Michael Owen ahead of the new season.

The transcription of the informal chat is a rollicking rollercoaster ride of stultifying dullness – Didier Drogba might do well on his return to Chelsea, Owen travels in silence in the car as he’s “happy with his own thoughts”, he likes extra mature cheddar but not tattoos, etc, etc – but it’s Micky’s love of cinema that really captures the imagination of the reader…

What’s the last film you saw?

It’s very boring, but I don’t watch films. I think I’ve seen about five in my life. I just can’t get into them. I do try – someone will say, ‘Watch this film, it’s great,’ and I’ll try but after half an hour, 40 minutes I can’t take it any longer.

So what were those five?

They must have been absolutely terrible. Rocky, Jurassic Park, Cool Runnings, Ghost. Um, I can’t remember any more. [Small Talk drums fingers on table encouragingly] Er … and Heat. I’ve seen Heat. I can’t think of any more.

Then came a real tricky fizzer of a question:

Who would play you in a film of your life?

What, an actor? I don’t know any actors.

Thanks Michael, goodbye.

Someone get this chump a copy of “The Brave Little Toaster”, stat!

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  1. C says:

    You might just be the most boring man on earth! The man played for real madrid and doesnt even have a story about about taking a piss thru micheal salgado’s letterbox or something

  2. Jimmy says:

    My god. He saves his most in depth answer for his favourite type of cheese.

  3. Charlie says:

    I truly cannot wait for the South Bank Show special on this absolute fountain of charismatic knowledge.

  4. Fnarf says:

    If Owen ever met The Most Interesting Man In The World from the beer commercial, the resulting matter-antimatter implosion would destroy the universe.

  5. Bruno says:

    Ok… but he was a great player in his days.

  6. Wynton says:

    This guy’s dullness is unbelievable! Why wouldn’t you at least pretend to be somewhat interesting??

  7. diamanti says:

    He talks so much about cheese, he can’t even recall one joke, doesn’t want to get a tattoo because of his parents…he is so boring it hurts

  8. PetrovskyKSC says:

    i think mickey has it… the answer to life, the universe and everything, and i think he will keep it until he takes his final breath.

  9. PompousPineapple says:

    I doubt Michael Owen gives a rat’s arse what anyone thinks of his personality. That’s what I like about him – he has the courage of his convictions and doesn’t watch movies or get tattoos just because everyone else does. Tattoos have become such a cliché anyway – knowing he doesn’t have one makes him infinitely more attractive and interesting to me.

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