40 Of The Crappest Football Autobiographies Ever To Have Existed

Chris Wright

17th, December 2014


By Chris Wright

This one does exactly what it says on the tin: a whole cavalcade of some of the most stupefyingly dull footballing autobiographies to have ever made it to print.

However, it’s worth remembering that these literary duds like this little lot are keeping the British pulping industry alive – so it’s a definite case of swings and roundabouts…









































We’re sure there are tons of equally dreadful footballing autobiographies out there, so if you’ve come across any on your travels or even – gulp! – had the misfortune to actually read any of them, then please feel free to let us know below the crease.

Failing that, there are probably helplines you can ring.

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  1. Lukass says:

    Not being from the UK, this post really shocks me. I mean, there are some seriously average, and some actually crap players and managers who saw it fit to have someone to write books for them to feed their gigantic egos… Seriously, is there a person in the universe who has actually read the biography of Darren Huckerby or Lee McCullough?!?!?! Even worse, why on earth would anyone want to?!

  2. ES says:

    In Kilbane’s defense he did donate all the proceeds to Down Syndrome Ireland and the Down Syndrome Association – a disorder in which his daughter has been diagnosed with.

  3. jimmy bo jangles says:


    My names Jimmy and I’ve read totally Frank..
    *breaks down crying*
    “I was young” is my only defence

  4. Holland 1945 says:

    Last 3 I read were Neville Southall’s, Andrea Pirlo’s and Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s. All honest and entertaining reads and players who no one could dispute had a story to tell!

    But wow, some shockers here. Walcott’s takes the cake; he released it when he was 23!! You’re meant to release them at the end of your career. Excluding the possibility of him being a mystic who foretold his own injuries, that’s such a shameless cash in.

  5. Holland 1945 says:

    Though, I will add that some don’t deserve to be on the list. Some autobiographies are aimed squarely at fans of a specific club, and can give a great insight into the club they adore. Fans of clubs without world class trophy hoarders still deserve that bit of insight now and then!

  6. Danny says:

    Love these sorts of lists, it’s why I came to Pies.

    However I just have to say that the Cascarino book is probably one of the best autobiographies a fan could read. Not a cliche in sight, talks about the unglamorous realities of life as a pro, lashings of self loathing and marriage breakdowns, and life in the French league and irish camp. Well worth a read for any fan!

  7. Murray says:

    Now, I damn well know better than to judge a book by the .jpeg images of their front covers.

    I’d arguably find more meaningful context on Page 1 of any of these books picked out at random than I do in this entire “article” on every single one of them.

  8. Gattsu says:

    Hmm, Following the rule of thumb, I think I can predict next Chrimbo’s best seller’s

    -Pardew my French-
    -Scholes out for Summer-
    -Chieck yourself before you wreck yourself-

    PS. Anyone remember Rooney’s planned trilogy of autobiographies?? Did that Magnum Opus ever materialize?

  9. Haywired says:

    I, Shearer: We Need To Talk About Alan

    (the design is actually quite similar)

  10. Fraser Smithson says:

    Craig Foster
    “Fozz on Football”

    enough said.

  11. Alter Fudbal says:

    Number 42 on list:
    Sasa Curcic autobiography – Naked truth

    Original name:
    Ja Sasa Curcic gola istina (on Serbian)

    He played for Partizan, Bolton Wanderers, Aston Villa, Crystal Palace…

  12. Dave Macbeth says:

    I have to say I would much rather read the story of a Steve Claridge or a Shaun Goater- players who have played at all levels of the game, have moved around to get game time and generally have a range of experiences from which to tell an actual story.

    Its when players who are still playing who are still in their mid 20s release a book- case in point Theo Walcott- what story has he got to tell?

    Also- the Leon Osman one must be a dull affair- a bit part player at a middling top flight club- for all of his career! Excitement reigns!

  13. Ron says:

    “Totally Frank”…damn, the person who came up with that probably thought it was such an awesome title. But, it makes me not want to read the book at all.

    I’ve actually read “Full Time”! Found it on a hostel free stuff shelf, had just finished my only other book I was carrying. It was pretty bad, but it took me all of a few days to finish, such fluff, that the pain was short-lived.

    As an American, I’ve never heard of most of these books and actually don’t know who around half of the dudes are.

  14. bestie says:

    here’s a thought: footballers should be required to actually READ a book (any book), before they write one

  15. bloke says:

    Not one, but TWO Colin Wanker autobiographies? They should use those as the books you have to copy from as punishment for not doing your homework at school.

  16. Nick says:

    Anyone who says they wouldn’t willingly read Shaun Goater’s biography is a damned liar.

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