Seeing an ugly footballer with a stunning blonde always puts me in mind of Mrs Merton’s classic one-liner to Debbie McGee: ‘So, Debbie, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?’ It’s a sad fact of life that not all famous people are blindingly attractive.
Anyway, after extensive research, we can reveal that the Top 10 Ugliest Players in the Premier League are:
Top 10 Ugliest Players in the Premier League continued…
10 Edwin van der Sar Man U’s Dutch keeper has a face that puts me in mind of Lurch, The Addams Family’s lanky butler.
9 Pascal Cygan The bald Frenchman looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf. He’s not as good a defender as Kryten, but, hey, you can’t have it all.
8 Lee Hendrie Would feel right at home in Royston Vasey.
7 Francis Jeffers Wrong-faced Scouse chav. His neck’s too long, his eyes are too small and his ears stick out. Apart from that, he looks fine.
6 Nemanja Vidic Looks like he’s been 12 rounds with Mike Tyson (or Duncan Ferguson).
5 Wayne Rooney Everyone’s favourite ogre.
4 Phil/Gary Neville Faces somehow got mixed up at birth.
3 Ivan Campo Acceptable hair/face for a rock band (doesn’t he look like The Strokes’ Albert Hammond?), but not for a modern footballer.
2 Jimmy Bullard I’ve never employed a chimney sweep, but if I did, I’d fully expect him to look like Jimmy Bullard.
1 Peter Crouch The new king of ugly footballers.
Who have we missed? Get in touch and let us know. More ugly footballers here.
[Ollie, Pies Ed.]