Willian (Chelsea)
For a supposed star man, Willian doesn’t tend to muck in very often. Often adopts a strange, mopey demeanour when things don’t go his way; shrinking, quiet, head dipped, eyes down, all engagement reduced to a light sulk. Tedious rather than boring, but still…
Adam Lallana (Liverpool)
Liverpool’s designated impact sub who continues to have an almost imperceptible impact on any game into which he’s introduced. Well moisturised. Uses £300, artfully ripped jeans as a substitute for personality, probably.
Luis Valencia (Manchester United)
Not a bad player by any means, but an entirely formulaic one. Silent, expressionless and machine-like. Incapable of love.
Eric Dier (Tottenham)
The kind of brawny, reliable midfielder who captains a school team. No-nonsense. No fun either. The kind of person who says ‘this is funny’ rather than actually laughing.
Shane Long (Southampton)
Your archetypal five-goals-every-two-seasons striker. Runs around a bit. Hassles. Harries. Dives. Cannot and will not score.
Agree/Disagree? Any other players drive you to madness with their dullness?
In the immortal words of Pat Benatar, feel free to hit us with your best shots…
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