By Ollie Irish
We have stolen Man City’s infamous shopping list – the one that blew Noel Gallagher’s tiny mind – from Roberto Mancini’s purse (Italian leather, hand-stitched). It’s illegal, but hey. This is what it says:
Landon Donovan – Ee will sell many shirts in the US of A, yes. Won’t get near the first team, but I won’t tell him until after he’s signed. Ha!
Mario Balotelli – Ee is mental, I love him! It’s impossible to ‘ave Mario and Craig Bellamy in the same dressing room, I think. NOTE TO SELF – Sell Bellamy to the Spurs.
James Milner – Ee’s a good player, I like very much to sign. His head though, it’s so fucking square, like Kryten off ‘Il Nano Rosso’.
Mesut Ozil – Very nice, like a nice red wine in my cellar. I think the Germans will do business. I pay £50 million, nothing less. Hard ball!
Didier Drogba – Big man, very strong, nice muscles. Like my uncle’s stallion! I sell that buffoon Adebayor first.
Kaka – Very good player, I pay £100 million, if the fascists will sell. Ha!
Wayne Rooney – Oh, this would make Ferguson so red in the face, like my momma’s cherry tomatoes! Then I put Rooney on the bench and watch as the Scotsman’s head explodes.
Lionel Messi – Is too small for the Premier League, I think, but maybe he will come? Maybe I make an offer they can’t refuse? Ha!
Dino Zoff – Ees important to have an experienced keeper. Dino is a good man, strong man, will add much quality to my boys. Young Shay Given, ee learn much from Dino.
Just For Men