‘I’ve Never Drunk Tea Or Coffee In My Life’ – Michael Owen Once Again Reveals Himself As Potential Danger To Society

Chris Wright

23rd, August 2018


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Michael Owen has once again revealed himself to be a wrong’n and a potential danger to society with a new insight into his unsettlingly bland existence.

Speaking in a Q&A session with Joe to promote the launch of Umbro’s new Speciali boot, Owen delivered a revelation so disturbing that Pies would advise he be subject to 24-hour police surveillance from now on.

Asked to name his favoured brand of tea bag (the only acceptable answer of course being ‘Yorkshire’), the former England striker instead replied:

I’ve never drunk a cup of tea in my life, or coffee for that matter.

But, I’ve just learnt how to make one.

Merciful heavens. First the whole ‘I’ve only seen eight movies and I loathed them all‘ thing, now this…

As a conservative estimate, Pies would posit that we drink roughly 75 cups of tea every 24 hours. To our mind, anything less than 10 cups a day is edging into ‘serial killer’ territory.

This man quite obviously has a problem.

And that’s not to disregard the fact that Michael Owen is a 38-year-old adult who has only just mastered the art of adding boiled water to coffee granules and stirring them with a spoon.

We’ve heard enough. Lock him up and throw the key in a reservoir.

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  1. dr90 says:

    I’ve never drunk one either in absolute honesty, but reading that I’m in the same category as Owen, well…

    Just waiting for the kettle to boil now!

  2. Ruiz says:

    At his peak, he was the best english center forward of the last 30 years.

  3. Simmons says:

    It’s cool to be odd.

  4. Sjakie Meulemans says:

    Has he, by any chance, ever declared himself a convinced Christian? That would somehow perfectly fit the picture for me. I also wonder what kind of pyjamas he chooses to wear.

  5. JP says:

    Behave with that nonsense about Yorkshire tea. It would be the absolute worst if it wasn’t for Typhoo.

    • Chris Wright says:

      @JP: Watch it buddy boy. I can’t remember banning anybody from Pies ever, but you’re sailing incredibly close to the wind here!

  6. jackie wilshere says:

    im a twinings man myself

  7. NCFCPie says:

    Don’t feed the trolls. It’s obvious that nobody in their right mind would choose to drink Typhoo.

  8. Rob says:

    This man has kids, can you imagine their lives?
    Oh and it’s got to be PG pyramids

  9. SangVieux says:

    Brings to mind my Grandparents. Granddad was a Cajun, so the strong Louisiana style coffee was for him. Grandmother was from Hammersmith, and she drank Twinings Earl Grey with lemon by the buckets. I still recall his response to her putting the kettle on…”You drinking that Herby Effluent again?” To which she would reply “Put a sock in it love, It is the only thing that makes this bloody bog tolerable!”

  10. PetrovskyKSC says:

    There is only one tea brand in the world, and all you people who think differently are blasphemic lunatics. You might go back to feeding the world with 8-year-old Tottenham articles to expand your world domination plans by turning everyone into brainless spurs minions, Chris. You could use Michael Owen as a frontrunner of your brain damaging troops, my friend. The only thing which saves me from losing my marbles is a good cuppa Barry’s Tea of Ireland. Confusing people, confusing articles, confusing preferences, confusing modern football. I might call Sepp Blatter to take a good rest in his holy premises in an attempt to get away from this mess.

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