Long Grass, The Olympics & Notting Hill Carnival: The Top 10 Alan Pardew Excuses

Chris Wright

15th, September 2014


By Chris Wright

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Newcastle United v Fulham - St James' Park

Alan Pardew is a curious creature: sly, untrustworthy, rubbery and non-stick all at once; like the owner of a cowboy roofing company spliced with the seedy front-of-house Maître d’ at a mob-owned back-alley casino.

Pardew is, of course, also almost completely consumed with Alan Pardew too – meaning he is able to perform astonishing feats of mental gymnastics  in order to convince himself that the festering jumble sale of crap over which he currently presides is anybody’s fault but his.

Here’s our Top 10 Pardew excuses (Pardewscuses?) from across his time in charge of the Toon…

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Aston Villa v Newcastle United - Villa Park

10. On struggling to create an atmosphere with the ‘tiny’ crowds they’re pulling in at St James’ Park: “In our stadium 30,000 doesn’t feel like a lot so there was no electricity.”

9. On struggling to do any business in the transfer market in the summer of 2012: “I think it is quiet – whether we’re all enthralled by what’s happening with the Olympics I don’t know.”

8. After being comprehensively knocked out of the FA Cup by League Two opposition in 2011: “There’s a few in there that need to understand what this game’s about….a few young boys got caught out tonight by the passion and the physical side of Stevenage.”

7. On not being able to compete with Man City: “They have a sovereign state ­backing them. We can’t ­compete with that. It is very difficult.”

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Newcastle United v Liverpool - St James' Park

6. Pardew’s excuse for Newcastle’s dreadful form in the second half of the 2013/14 season: “We were affected by the World Cup, there’s no doubt about that in my mind.”

5. On the psychological perils of passing the 40-point mark after Newcastle were spanked 4-0 by Southampton last season: “It’s difficult when you have 46 points on the board.”

4. On Newcastle fans being just too darned passionate for their own good: “It’s a city that loves the club so much that it hurts itself, because of that love. If there was perhaps less pressure on our results…it would probably be a better club.

Soccer - FA Cup - Third Round - Brighton and Hove Albion v Newcastle United - AMEX Stadium

3. After Newcastle put in a dismal shift and drew 1-1 against Rangers in a pre-season friendly: “The grass was a bit long for our liking.”

2. After Newcastle lost 2-0 to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge in 2012: “Today was a little bit unfair on us. We couldn’t move the game to Sunday because of the Notting Hill Carnival.”

1. After losing 3-0 at home to Sunderland in the most recent North East derby: “Maybe we were a bit too hyped up.”

Players too hyped up for a local derby? Yeah, what a bummer.

(All excuses sourced and correlated by the good fellows over at Sack Pardew.com)

Posted in FAIL, Featured, Managers, Newcastle Utd, Newsnow, Top 10s & lists

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  1. Lukass says:

    I totally agree with 9 of the points, and Pardew is admittedly a self-absorbed prick, but how on earth is that Man City quote in any way not doing the man a favour?! I mean, for fuck’s sake, who on earth can compete with the money those sheikhs spend, let alone Newcastle? That ‘sovereign state’ quote is pure gold imo, if Fergie had said it, it’d have been lauded everywhere!

  2. Fat Nakago says:

    “2. After Newcastle lost 2-0 to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge in 2012: “Today was a little bit unfair on us. We couldn’t move the game to Sunday because of the Notting Hill Carnival.”

    And they couldn’t move the game to Milwaukee, Wisconsin either because of Mexican Fiesta.

  3. Mike says:

    Well said Lukass

  4. Ross says:

    All about context, that notting hill carnival quote came on the back of a Thursday night European game and then having to play on the Saturday too, not being able to move the game to the Sunday as is usually the case.
    Having said that, excuse after excuse from pardew, as a nufc fan (hard work I know), he has to go.
    Last 10-12 games of last season as well as the dross so far this season he has no come back…or does he?!

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