By Chris Wright
With Partick Thistle foisting their new mascot, Kingsley the soul-reaper, on us yesterday, we decided to have a shufty at some of the other risible mascots football has been besmirched with over the years.
Indeed, we decided to focus on the land that pretty much introduced the concept of the modern day mascot, the land of the Phillie Phanatic and the Capital City Goofball: the good ol’ Yoo Ess of Ay.
Taking in MLS, NASL and a few from the North American minor leagues, here’s our pick of the worst of the worst…
Dynamo the Dragon, Kansas City Wizards (circa 1997)
Dopey the Dragon would’ve definitely been more apt…
Twizzle, Los Angeles Galaxy (circa 1997)
He’s only gone and laddered his tights…
Cozmo the Alien, LA Galaxy
Sadly, Twizzler the intergalactic turkey was soon replaced by this slightly vacant looking fish-type creature (the one on the left)…
Sparky the Soccer Dog, Chicago Fire (circa 1998)
Made entirely from an old carpet sample book…
Sammy Sounder, Seattle Sounders
A killer whale, in case you were wondering…
Tac-Tik, Montreal Impact (circa 1998)
Nice shorts…
Washington Dips (circa 1981)
Johan still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night to this day…
Winger, Vancouver Whitecaps
Obviously the dim-witted runt of the duckling litter…
Chicago Sting (1976)
Pele gets shaken down for his loose change by the world’s angriest looking bumblebee…
Kingston the Lion, Orlando City (circa 2014)
Like something from Return to Oz…
Chivas Goat, Chivas USA
Quite the transformation…
Sidekick, Tampa Bay Mutiny (circa 2000)
Begrudging point for the name, zero for the execution…
Stinger, San Antonio Scorpions
So disturbing he requires a military escort wherever he goes…
Just so you’re aware, they even had Stinger burst out of a giant cake at his grand unveiling…
Islamico the horse, Dallas Burn (1999)
‘MURICA! F**K YEAH!
Tampa Bay Rowdies
Yes, it’s a sock…
Surf Dude, Tacoma Tide
Totally rad…
Rapidman, Colorado Rapids (circa 1997)
The last thing you remember seeing before waking up naked deep in the backwoods…
Thor, Minnesota Thunder
The bastard lovechild of the Norse God of Thunder and Gordon Ramsey…
Jose Clash the scorpion, San Jose Clash (circa 1998)
Run Richard, run! Before it’s too late!
Q, San Jose Earthquakes
If this thing was the answer, it must have been an incredibly stupid question…
Before anybody starts: Yes, we know ducks don’t have litters.
Suggested further viewing…
20 More Utterly Craptastic Football Mascots