Going Cheap: Yaya Toure’s Gobshite Agent Dimitri Seluk Offers Client To Premier League Top Six For ‘Salary Of Just £1 Per Week’

Chris Wright

5th, June 2018

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As you’re no doubt aware, Yaya Toure is currently looking for gainful employ and that means – joy of joys – we get to hear from his sainted agent, Dimitri Seluk, once again.

For the uninitiated, Seluk is highly concerned with Toure’s physical and mental well-being (and his 10% cut of the proceeds) so when is client is unhappy, Seluk never fails to address the situation with a near-militant urgency – so much so that Yaya actually had to publicly apologise for his conduct on one occasion.

As he has done every June/July for the past however many years, Seluk is agitating once again – and, in the wake of Toure’s brazen claim that Pep Guardiola doesn’t like African players, his agent has also poured scorn on the Man City manager.

Wibbling away to Sport24, Seluk barked that Guardiola has “turned Africa against him” by designating a reduced role to a 35-year-old central midfielder who plays at walking pace (quotes via City Watch):

God sees everything. As a man who acted with Yaya, a legend of the club, which under different pretexts did not give the opportunity to go on the pitch […] Pep turned Africa against himself, many African fans turned away from City.

And I’m sure that many African shamans in the future will not allow Guardiola to win the Champions League. This will be for Guardiola an African curse. Life will show whether I am right or not.

Of course, then came the belittling of Pep both professionally and as a human being in general:

Nothing good can be said about the human qualities of Pep Guardiola. You can start with the fact that he came to Manchester City in a nasty way. The transfer was announced at a time when (Manuel) Pellegrini was still at the helm of the team.

If you assign my grandmother to Bayern Munich, the team will still become the champions! There’s a consistency with Guardiola’s choice: go to clubs with a huge budget, which without him become champions all the time.

Turning his attention to the immediate future, Seluk also made sure to shill for his client, announcing that Toure is keen to move to a top Premier League side and is willing to drastically reduce his salary if needs be:

Yaya has many offers from different countries, ready to pay a lot of money, but we decided to dedicate the next season to Guardiola. And to prove and show the fans of City that Yaya is not finished. He is full of energy and wants to play next season in England.

At a time when big sums are being paid, I officially declare that Yaya is ready to move as a free agent to any English club in the top six with a salary of £1 pound a week. But with a bonus system based on certain successes.

Settle in, folks. It’s going to be a loooooong summer.