By Don Gold
With West Ham winning the race to move into the Olympic Stadium, the club’s vice chairman Karren Brady this week outlined her dream of what their first game in their new home might be like.
But the trouble with dreams is that you never know whether they’ll turn out to be nightmares. Pies imagines the worst possible scenario for the hapless Hammers…
Saturday August 16, 2014
What Karren Brady says…
The day has arrived. Finally, we kick-off in the sold-out Olympic Stadium this afternoon and we are ready. Mark Noble will lead us out as we make our Olympic claret and blue-print a reality – and it really has been a Noble cause.
The nightmare scenario
The day has arrived. Finally, we kick-off in the quarter full Olympic Stadium and we are ready. Having been forced to sell off all our homegrown stars again following our double relegation under Avram Grant, re-signed Nigel Quashie will lead us out as we make our Olympic claret and blue-print a reality – and the place really is a Khazi.
What Karren Brady says…
England manager Harry Redknapp will be my guest after an amazing summer saw us get World Cup glory again. His boys back from Brazil brought the trophy home to spend the next 12 months in our museum and his success is another triumph for the Academy of Football.
The nightmare scenario
England manager Sam Allardyce will be my guest after an awful summer saw us get World Cup humiliation again. His boys were roundly thrashed by the hosts Brazil, minnows Luxembourg and a team of small girls from a local favela. The failure of his one and only tactic – lump the ball long to Carlton Cole – is a black mark against the Academy of Football.
What Karren Brady says…
Our fans have followed us the short way from Upton Park to Stratford, back to the old borough of West Ham.
The nightmare scenario
Our fans stopped trying to get here when Transport for London finally gave up the pretence of running a weekend Jubilee Line service and closed the whole operation down.
What Karren Brady says…
Football takes centre stage right now but this summer has seen wave after wave of major events — from 107-odd thousand who turned out to see Madonna in July, to the triumphant third staging of the National School Games in May after more kids than ever got involved across the country.
The nightmare scenario
Football takes centre stage right now but this summer has seen wave after wave of major events — from the inaugural UK Competitive Eating Championships, hosted by club community fitness ambassador Benni McCarthy, to an erotic exhibition (with Europe’s biggest ever live floor show – as ratified by the Guinness Book of Records!), organised by David Suliivan and David Gold. More perverts than ever got involved across the country!
What Karren Brady says…
We can look back with pride on February 2011 and know that we all did the right thing.
The nightmare scenario
We can look back with pride on February 2011 and know that we all did the right thing… by getting rid of that bloody athletics track after all.