Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He’s absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn’t half make me piss my pants with laughter. Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I’m very glad [...]

With the Liverpool camp enlivened by a bit of swinging (of a golf club admittedly), it’s worth looking back at another famous spat between team mates. There have been a few, but probably the best is the fine work of Lee Bowyer and Keiran Dyer who both earned themselves red cards after belting the crap [...]

Gazza, G8, Paul Gascoigne… whatever you call him these days… has apparently agreed to appear in and turn his hand to producing new movie Final Run. Gazza will make his big-screen debut as a survivor of an alien invasion alongside the oh so very lovely Lois Winstone (daughter of Ray). According to production company SjB [...]

Manchester City have announced that they are in "preliminary discussions" with potential investors that may lead to an offer for the club. The Citizens have revealed that, before Christmas, they were seeking fresh investment in the club but today’s acknowledgement that they are talking to "third parties" suggests that a bit of headway is being [...]

Spotted for sale on eBay (auction ends 28 Feb): one full-sized white statue of Ronaldinho, but imagined as a horse – it freaks me out a little, I must admit. I know that Ronnie has an impressive set of gnashers, but surely Ruud van Nistelrooy – football’s ultimate horseface – would have made a better [...]

What a crock of shit our national team is. If, heaven forbid, the England team was picked on merit, not reputation, we wouldn’t be having this futile debate. We all know that England team selection has been a joke for years and that you’ll struggle to pick up caps if you play for an unfashionable [...]

‘John, you will go on my first whistle…’ I miss Gladiators (can you believe how seriously people took it!).

Alan Ruddock’s excellent piece in today’s Guardian makes the point that football punditry in Britain has reached an all-time low. Ruddock bemoans the relentless blandness of Gary Lineker et al. and he is right to do so. As he points out, football fans are not ‘morons’ and deserve far better. In Ireland, football fans enjoy [...]

As I said to my flatmate last night, I love Barca as a club –€“ great fans, great history, the fact they refused to sully their shirt with a sponsor for so long etc. – but they have the most annoying players in the world: Ronaldinho raises his chubby arms – is it me or [...]

Full marks to Gilardino for style, but no marks at all for timing (taken from last night’s Celtic v Milan snooze-fest).

Hey everybody and welcome to David Beckham’s Photoshop School! – it’s just like my Soccer Schools, but helping talented young kids to develop their Photoshop skills. This week, I’ve Photoshopped Ian Holloway’s head onto the body of a badger emerging from its sett. It’s topical and slightly disturbing.keep on ‘Shopping!David ‘I’m off to Hollywoodland’ Beckham

Just leave it Paul, he’s not worth it… Wigan Athletic manager Paul Jewell has claimed, in the Daily Mail, that a Premiership club asked not to have referee Phil Dowd in charge of their games: ‘We can’t as a club say we don’t want him but I know a certain club that has asked,’ he [...]

Name Manuela ArcuriNationality ItalianWAG of… Francesco Coco, a 30-year-old Italian defender (left-back, to be precise) who plays for Inter Milan – although he’s currently on loan at TorinoFame ranking 2/10 – Manuela is virtually unknown in the UK, despite being one of Italy’s most famous glamour girlsBabe ranking 8/10 – lovely stuff, as Alan Partridge [...]

I’m sure we’re all agreed that Lille should be punished in some way for their part in last night’s Champions League tie with Man Utd. Neither their players, coaching staff, fans or the authorities at the ground (which was actually Len’s stadium, not Lille’s) covered themselves in glory. I don’t think Uefa will chuck them [...]

As a youth, Steve Bull was the bane of my life. Back in the old 4th division, I recall Steve Bull (and his striking partner Andy Mutch) tearing my beloved Bolton Wanderers apart with poise and, pardon the pun, bullishness and great tenacity. He is one of England’s greatest ever strikers. He signed for Wolves [...]

Over at The Guardian, they’ve been arguing the toss about the fastest goal ever scored. By that, they mean hardest in mph. Well, after a couple of weeks of debate, they seem to have found the most blistering goal ever. No, it’s not Obi Martins or Tony Yeboah, but Sporting Lisbon’s Brazilian left-back Ronny "Homem-Bomba" [...]

This is one of the most unintentionally funny things I’ve seen at a football match in ages. [Mof Gimmers]

With some people saying "It’s all lies. I’d be more ashamed to believe it than anything. If you could conjure up an eyewitness report or a police record, that’d be great" about the Craig Bellamy story on these very pages, it’s worth pointing out that today, Rafa Benitez is set to hand out the punishment [...]

Irony. Not something that footballers are great at spotting. Want an example? Well, here is Bolton Wanderers right-back Nicky Hunt offering forthright views on Phil ‘Newly Hatched Bird’ Neville. [Mof Gimmers]

Pop the champers kiddies because someone likes Pies. No, we’re not talking about Wigan folk, but esteemed news rag, The Guardian. The Guardian’s Guide supplement at the weekend referred to WhoAteAllThePies as "Pie ingredients include news, fiendish quizzes, strange football kits and jokes about ex-Liverpool players/loafers." Can’t grumble at that can you? Of course, you [...]

This recent photo, courtesy of Liverpool’s official website, proves, beyond any doubt, that the alleged Riise/Bellamy karaoke incident is a drizzle in a teacup. Look how happy they are!

SATURDAYArsenal v BlackburnLawro: 2-0Pies: 1-1Actual: 0-0 Chelsea v NorwichLawro: 3-0Pies: 2-0Actual: 4-0 More below…

Match of the Day 2 presenter Adrian Chiles has confirmed that he is one of a number of BBC employers who have been sent soiled toilet paper in the post. According to The Sun, ‘police are investigating a string of packages posted to some of broadcasting’s best-known names since mid-January.’ Baggies fan Chiles said "I’ve [...]

With Craig Bellmay yelling ‘FORE!’ at John Arne Riise’s shins, it worth having a look at some on pitch fighting…

Is Craig Bellamy the dimmest man on the face of the earth? His move to Liverpool was a slightly risky one on Rafa’s part, but we can all presume that he thought Bellamy may pull his finger out and keep his head down as his stint at Liverpool would probably be his last chance to [...]