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Who ate all the pies

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Football scenes you won’t see in 09/10, No.1532 The enforced loss of Martin Laursen was regrettable. The same goes for the departure of Gareth Barry. But the loss of Ashley Young (who you voted overwhelmingly as Villa’s most indispensable player) would be nothing short of disastrous for Martin O’Neill and co. Marca, amongst other sources, […]

Nothing burns calories like fear. [@ Funny Or Die] Vinnie is scary but does he make it into in Pies’ Top 50 Scariest Footballers?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here: Carlos Tevez is not world-class. He’s a very good footballer who is more than good enough to cut it at the highest level, but he is not world-class. He is not as good as Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi. He is not even as good […]

After two comprehensive defeats, the US needed a six-goal swing to reach the Confed semis. But, against Godzilla-sized odds and with a lot of help from Brazil, Bob Bradley’s team dominated a frankly pathetic Egypt to win 3-0 (it should have been more). Fulham’s Clint Dempsey scored America’s third goal, from a cross by West […]

Shazam! This goal won the match for Bahrain in their recent World Cup qualifier against Uzbekistan. A strike fit to win any game, even one against Uzbekistan.

“If you look at our squad and Real Madrid’s squad, even with Ronaldo and Kaka there, which one would you rather have? “I know which one I’d rather have, all day long, and that’s without us even ­buying anyone new. Our squad is far stronger. I don’t think our squad lacks anything. We certainly don’t […]

As many of you may know, since the season ended and the transfer silly season began, Pies has been asking club fans to vote for the last player at the club they would want to get rid of. Today it’s the turn of Gentleman Woy Hodgson’s Fulham. If you had to sell all but one […]

Against Arsene Wenger’s wishes, but with the backing of Fabio Capello (no one messes with Capello), Stuart Pearce took Theo Walcott to Sweden for the U21 Euros. So you’d think Psycho would play Walcott form the start for England’s key group game against Spain, even though the Arsenal youngster had a disappointing game against Finland. […]

A thousand thanks to Mark Ashworth for emailing in this superbly shit lookalike. (For those of you over the age of 14, Alex Shelley is a professional wrestler.) Think you can do better? Email Pies with your suggestion. More lookalikes here

Egypt’s players found the stray contact lens in no time Another terrific day in South Africa, land of the vuvuzelas (I’m learning to tune them out now). In the Group of Certain Death, an utterly abject USA (FIFA says they’re the 14th-best team in the world. Come on!?) were torn apart by Kaka’s Brazil, while […]

Boro’s new home kit was fully revealed this morning. It’s billed as “the beautiful kit for the beautiful game”, which is quite a line for a team in the Championship. Perhaps “the beautiful kit for the ugly game” would be better line - and then David Wheater could have modelled it. So is it beautiful? Well, […]

I’m loving the cheerful way the kids sing it. Altogether now, “We all hate Leeds scum, we all hate Leeds scum…”

1. Will noisy vuvuzela trumpets ruin fans’ enjoyment of the 2010 World Cup? [@ BigSoccer] 2. Petr Cech and Pepe Reina are text buddies. Bless. [@ This is Anfield] 3. Socceroos’ Dutch coach sings the Aussie national anthem. Badly. [@ The Spoiler] 4. Everything you need to know about the Homeless World Cup. What, you […]

Somebody stop this man leaving Anfield Most Liverpool fans know that Mascherano is essential to their team. The Argentine’s unselfish play is not only vital in protecting Liverpool’s back four, it also liberates his fellow midfielders – especially Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso. No wonder Rafa has warned other clubs off his brilliant water carrier. […]

FSC has this leaked photo of Liverpool’s third kit for next season. We like, a lot. It’s simple, and while simple doesn’t always work (I still think England’s new Umbro kit is too plain), this does the job nicely. Interesting to see the sponsor’s name in green, too. Very Christmassy. Good job, Adidas. Liverpool’s new […]

Badly Photoshopped football scenes you’ll never see, No.1354 The Current Bun claims today that Arsenal’s Robin van Persie is a transfer target for Manchester Utd: “Sir Alex Ferguson is aware the £20million-rated striker is yet to commit to a new contract at The Emirates. “And the United chief’s interest has intensified after Van Persie admitted […]

Despite the scoreline, Spain’s win against Iraq was fairly comfortable, but the European champions didn’t bring their shooting boots and missed several good chances. In the other game in what I like to call “the weakest group in the history of international football”, hosts South Africa notched their first win of the tournament with a […]

Bastian Schweinsteiger In the real world, the uber-hot Sarah Brandtner wouldn’t even look once at the German winger. But in a world where footballers attract the sort of women who would normally be way out of their league, the pig farmer shoots and scores.

One is a maverick medical genius, the other a maverick managerial… er, well he’s not a genius. A permatanned knobhead, perhaps. More Shit Lookalikes Do you have an even shitter lookalike than this? Email Pies with your suggestion(s).

Yesterday, Pies was the first to tell you about the Giuseppe Rossi Judas T-shirt, which is selling like hot cakes and also generating a hell of a lot of debate, especially in the States and, to a lesser extent, Italy. After scoring twice in the Confederation Cup against the country of his birth (he was […]

The next instalment of the dire Goal! series features shockingly bad green-screen special effects. I use the term “special effects” loosely, as you can see when you watch the trailer… it’s no Escape to Victory, is it? How bad does Goal! 3 look?(survey)

That didn’t take long, did it? Available from Top 10 footballers who revealed T-shirts with messages

Auto Trader has a world exclusive, in the shape of C-Ron’s black Porsche 911 Carrera 2 Tiptronic S (catchy name). It’s yours for £69,995. Bear in mind you will need to spend a few quid getting the interior cleaned - God knows how many WAGs he entertained with the seats set to recline. [@ The Fiver] […]

Place your bets… All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:

The fixture list for next season’s Prem campaign were just released. For copyright reasons, Pies is not allowed to post them in full here (that’s ridiculous, btw), but we can highlight a few key dates for your diary: 1. Manchester United begin their defence of the title at home to Birmingham City on 15 August. […]