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Who ate all the pies

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Man Utd

Manchester United: All the latest Manchester United flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

She’s not worth it, son From the Beeb: “Cristiano Ronaldo has completed his world record £80m move from Manchester United to Real Madrid after agreeing a six-year deal. “United, who accepted Real’s offer for the winger on 11 June, have confirmed the move has been finalised and he will be presented to the fans on […]

The teaser images made it just about clear enough that Man Utd’s new home kit features a big black chevron on the chest. And now the strip has officially been launched, we can see clearly that this is the case. First thoughts: why?! There’s no possible reason to place a black chevron so prominently on […]

The final group kicks off today… Zlatan Ibrahimovic v Rio Ferdinand (Group G) Extremely cocky attacker v extremely metrosexual defender. Who you got? Vote below:

The opening round of group games continues with a couple of peaches… Nemanja Vidic v Didier Drogba (Group G) They should put this match-up in a caged “Octagon”. I’d pay to see that. But you’re not voting on who’s the hardest (I take Vidic, every time; The Drog is all bark and no bite), you’re […]

This leaked image of Man Utd’s new home shirt, complete with black “V” (an integral part of Nike’s new sportswear range) has been doing the internet rounds for a few weeks now. Many fans cried fake, but the release of a couple of genuine teaser images prove that the above image was not a fake. […]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here: Carlos Tevez is not world-class. He’s a very good footballer who is more than good enough to cut it at the highest level, but he is not world-class. He is not as good as Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi. He is not even as good […]

Badly Photoshopped football scenes you’ll never see, No.1354 The Current Bun claims today that Arsenal’s Robin van Persie is a transfer target for Manchester Utd: “Sir Alex Ferguson is aware the £20million-rated striker is yet to commit to a new contract at The Emirates. “And the United chief’s interest has intensified after Van Persie admitted […]

Auto Trader has a world exclusive, in the shape of C-Ron’s black Porsche 911 Carrera 2 Tiptronic S (catchy name). It’s yours for £69,995. Bear in mind you will need to spend a few quid getting the interior cleaned - God knows how many WAGs he entertained with the seats set to recline. [@ The Fiver] […]

Place your bets… All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:

One of my favourite Shit Lookalikes of all time, I think (to non-Scorese fans, that’s Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver on the left). I mean, yikes! What the hell was Rio thinking (click on image of him to enlarge, if you dare)? It will take him decades to live this down. [More pics @ The […]

Peering thorough my special hindsight goggles, it’s easy to form this opinion. Based on his play since leaving Old Trafford in 2007, the 22-year-old Italian-American falls into the class of United departures marked, “Ones that got away.” Of course, in Fergie’s defence, there are a couple of caveats:

Q. Who’s that wandering the corridors of Moscow’s Crowne Plaza hotel in nothing but his pants? A. It’s the one United player who you’d expect to find wandering a hotel’s corridors in nothing but his pants. This short clip (see below) was reportedly filmed on the day of the 2008 Champions League final, in Moscow’s […]

Time was, the only way you’d leave Old Trafford was on the say-so of Ferguson. A United player’s future was almost entirely in Ferguson’s hands. Those days are long gone. Player power is so great that football managers no longer inspire fear in the men they manage. Sometimes they don’t even inspire basic respect (see […]

Many thanks to the improbably named Tucker Markus for this gem. Do you have an even shitter lookalike up your sleeve? Email Pies with your suggestion(s).

C-Ron haters, and Sky Sports, are resorting to this classic line. But is it true? In the Alex Ferguson era, there seems to be two distinct categories of United players who have been shown the exit door: 1) Young players who were tipped for great things but never quite made the grade (Lee Sharpe, Luke […]

Good work, person on the internet with too much time on their hands who did this. [@ RoM]

Carlito was delighted when his mum turned up at Man Utd’s training ground Fergie phoned Tevez this week to assure him that he had a future at Old Trafford. The Argentine’s response can be paraphrased as follows: “It’s a bit f**king late, gaffer!” Tevez is still hopping mad that he didn’t get to play more […]

United – Ronaldo = what league position? Make your call: Where will Man Utd finish in the league next season?(poll)

Two-nil up in the Manchester derby and C-Ron sulks in the dug-out after being taken off. Was he thinking, “Right, that’s it – I’m done with Fergie and the shit Manchester weather…” or was it after the Champions League final defeat that he made up his mind? Make your call below…

White really makes my tan pop… Holy crapola! According to the BBC, Manchester United have accepted an £80m bid from Real Madrid for Cristiano Ronaldo. And about time too. “United have agreed to give Real Madrid permission to talk to the player,” a statement from the English champions stated. The statement added that the decision […]

Much consternation in Manchester with the YouTube release of a video shot at the Spirit of Shankly’s end-of-season party, showing people chanting “Munich!” during a singer’s live performance. Spirit of Shankly (formerly Sons of Shankly) is the self-appointed official supporters’ union of Liverpool FC. Self-righteous, much? As I wrote in my column for, it’s […]

C-Ron has another award to add to his bulging pants. Did I say pants? I meant mantlepiece – it’s easy to get the two confused. Gay Times, a British magazine read by precisely no Premier League footballers (that we know of), has announced the winner of its “Sexiest Man Alive” poll. The winner, as the […]

With Kaka set to sign for Real Madrid in the next few days, where does that leave Madrid’s acknowledged No.1 target, Cristiano Ronaldo? On the face of it, you might think Madrid had chosen one marquee player over another. But with the amazing – and galling – success of rivals Barcelona this season, Real president […]

Ronaldo and Tevez to strop out of Old Trafford? 1. Cristiano Ronaldo is sulking. He slammed Alex Ferguson’s tactics for Wednesday’s Champions League final, saying: “Ferguson did not tell me anything. Nothing. I didn’t realise I was to play as a striker.” [@ The Sun] 2. …Which all means C-Ron’s definitely off to Real Madrid […]