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Who ate all the pies

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Lookalikes

Shit Lookalikes: Does exactly what it says on the tin. As far as we’re concerned, when it comes to footballing lookalikes; the shitter the better!

John Terry will play for Chelsea in their Champions League match against Valencia tomorrow, despite suffering a depressed cheekbone fracture, courtesy of Clint Dempsey’s elbow, on Saturday. The Sun imagine JT’s mask will look like this, putting me in mind of that great episode of Only Fools and Horses, when Del and Rodney dress up […]

Here at Pies, we pride ourselves on our Shit Lookalikes. Sadly we can’t take the credit for this one because it is down to the Coventry City squad. The players at the Ricoh Arena have apparently taken to calling new captain Arjan de Zeeuw ‘Kosta‘ because they reckon he looks like Australian boxer Kosta Tszyu.

I can’t tell you how chuffed I am to able to combine Hollowatch with a Shit Lookalike. In his latest online column for BBC Sport, Ian Holloway claims that Avram Grant looks like a famous character from Wind in the Willows (not Beatrix Potter, as the Beeb claims). Ian says: ‘If we’re talking lookalikes he’s […]

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As Alisher Usmanov draws ever closer to an Arsenal takeover, so does the sound of a distant Antipodean tuba. That’s right… pudgy face… bad specs… receding hairline… it’s Harold Bishop from Neighbours…

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Pies regular Jess Malone has submitted the latest in our series of Shit Lookalikes. Do you think Marky Mark Wahlberg could adapt to life in Liverpool’s midfield as easily as he made the transition from fresh-faced popster to haggard Oscar winner?

Crazy Chringle has sent me another inspired Shit Lookalike. I don’t know what the hell he’s smoking, but I’d like some too.

I see your Gabriel Agbonlahor and raise you one Wes Brown…

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Pies reader Dave Sparks reckons Aston Villa’s Gabriel Agbonlahor is a dead ringer for Tony Hart’s plastercine assistant, Morph.

Cheers to Chris Wright for this lookalike.

We are not comparing Wigan boss Chris Hutchings to one of history’s greatest monsters in any capacity other than this mildly amusing pose, although JJB Stadium regulars mights testify that the pair share a philosophy on torture!

Thanks to, er, me, for spotting this Shit Lookalike. New Chelski boss Avram and Boss Nass, who appeared in tragically rubbish Star Wars prequel, The Phantom Menace, could be long-lost brothers, no? Incidentally, Boss Nass was voiced by the great Brian Blessed, which is by far the most interesting thing about him. I’ve just noticed […]

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Granted he may have been at that age when his looks would start to go a bit when he took over as Chelsea manager, but Jose Mourino’s one-man crusades against referees, opposition managers and, well, pretty much anyone daft enough to get in his way have certainly accelerated the ageing process.

Thanks to Stacy S for sending in this top quality Shit Lookalike. One’s a bald-headed goon who is part of a dysfunctional family… and the other – you’ve guessed it – is Uncle Fester (groan).

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This has to be one of my favourite Shit Lookalikes for a while, so many thanks to Dave Harris (who edits his own fine Fulham blog, The Hammy End Chronicle) for sending it in. For younger readers, DeBarge is an RnB singer who was big in the 80s. If DeBarge played football, he’d also be a shoo-in for his own Horror Hair entry.

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Thanks to Pies reader Natasha Stephan for emailing in this shit lookalike. Like Rooney, Barrett is a young (22), pugnacious striker. Okay, Rooney has a slightly higher profile, but Chad is no schmuck and has already played for the US at junior level.

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Life was a daily struggle for poor Sam The Eagle on The Muppet Show. The miserable feathered censor would be the constant figure of hatred as he tried to make a bunch of muppets put on a good show. Sounds a bit like poor Mick’s job at Wolves really…

Is Michael Clarke Duncan, star of The Green Mile, how Heskey would look if he ever broke out a smile?

This is a little scary! This appears to be Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola starring in the video to Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart (click here if you want to put yourself through the entire video). What’s the Italian for Turn around, Bright Eyes?!

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Arsenal would probably do better to shove Flea in goal right now, given Mad Jens’s shocking start to the season – Manuel Almunia played in goal for Arsenal against Sparta Prague last night, with Jens sulking at home in Germany, supposedly injured.

Our latest Shit Lookalike comes courtesy of Pies reader Daniel Budden. He quite rightly pointed out that Arsenal’s man from Minsk, Alexander Hleb, is a dead ringer for a young Kevin Bacon, which is a coincidence because he also saved Arsene Wenger’s bacon against Fulham a couple of weeks back.
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Who is this slim hunk of a man? Surely not Big Martin Jol, before he got big? Yes, it’s true.

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Thanks to Pies reader Leean Pindar, who spotted this glaring error in last weekend’s Sunday Times Style supplement.

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Rodders may have been an East End wideboy, but West Ham’s Mark Noble is an East End central midfielder.

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It’s a protracted transfer from Sevilla to Chelsea Jim, but not was we know it. Or something like that. Many thanks to Carey Roberts for the heads-up. Keep those lookalikes comin’…