By Chris Wright
Safe to say, everything you have read on any football website the length and breadth of the internet this morning should be immediately dismissed…
Seems to have been a bit of a quiet one on the April Fools front this morning, especially from a footballing perspective. Nothing to match last year’s reports of woollen kits, referees on Segways and Man City’s mole problems – Christ, there isn’t even a spaghetti harvest to speak of.
Here’s a run-down of Pies favourite picks though, admittedly, a couple make the list by default…
6. Sir Alex Ferguson to retire at the end of the season due to ‘terrible decisions’
“Ferguson has made a shock announcement via his legal representatives that this season will be his last at the helm of Manchester United. Ferguson has found himself at the centre of a media storm due to repeated outbursts at officials in charge of his recent matches.
“The 68-year-old has been United manager for over 23 years but last year said he would step down if his health or hunger for the job ever deteriorated.
“Arsene Wenger, Ferguson’s long-term rival at Arsenal, said he was not surprised by the Scot’s decision: “I was not surprised at all.”
5. Marcus Hahnemann piloted Wolves’ plane to Newcastle
“Wolves flew to Newcastle today – with the club joining in the April Fool’s Day spirit by claiming goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann piloted the plane.
“The club have chartered a private jet for the 200-mile journey to Tyneside, which left Birmingham this afternoon. On board – although not at the controls – was Hahnemann, who has recently qualified as a pilot to fly four-seater planes.”
4. Fulham players ordered to perform ‘moonwalk’ goal celebration
“Every member of Fulham’s first-team squad has been told they must celebrate any goals in Sunday’s clash with Blackpool by performing the Moonwalk in front of the home fans – huge Jacko fans Bobby Zamora and Clint Dempsey have taken charge of the training sessions.
“Every home fan arriving at Craven Cottage on Sunday will find one white glove under their seat.
“Blackpool manager Ian Holloway – who is renowned for his sense of humour – has decided that his side will celebrate any Blackpool goals with the legendary zombie walk from Jackson’s Thriller video.”
3. Sir Alex Ferguson makes ‘peace pact’ with officials, becomes Life President of the Referee’s Association
“In a shock move, the Manchester United boss accepted the role in an effort to end his long-running feud with officials.
“Under the terms of his appointment, he must promise to serve as an ambassador for all referees and their assistants – and try not to criticise their performances after matches.
“Ferguson has also agreed to give a talk to his fellow Premier League managers, including Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger, about respecting referees.”
2. Portugal ‘sell’ Cristiano Ronaldo to Spain for €160m
“Weighed down by debt, and reeling from the latest downgrading of their country’s credit status, Portugal’s finance ministry has secured the co-operation of football’s highest-paid player in an audacious bid to draw the nation back from the brink of economic collapse.
“In a move which some observers claimed ‘will lead to the destruction of the World Cup’, Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to ‘act like a patriot’ and be sold to neighbouring Spain for €160m.”
1. Fernando Torres to perform ancient Spanish ‘goat ritual’ to end goalless curse
“Torres will lead a goat – taken from a herd in his hometown of Fuenlabrada and flown to the UK specially earlier this week – around the pitch, then encourage the animal to defecate in each of the goal-mouths so as to ward off any malicious spirits that might be blocking Torres’ shots.
“After a brief visit to the Chelsea trophy room for luck, Torres will then ‘run’ the goat through the Chelsea Village complex before closing the ceremony by ritually launching the animal from the roof of St Mary’s Roman Catholic Church in Cadogan Street, SW3.
“The first dozen Chelsea fans to turn up at Stamford Bridge on Friday April 1st before midday will not only be able to take part in this historic event, but will also be able to take home choice cuts of goat meat afterwards.”
Spotted any other footballing japes this morning?