Yet another tribute to the enduring genius of the late Mark E. Smith, we bring you The Fall’s other foray into football (the most renowned arguably being ‘Theme From Sparta FC’, aka, the old BBC Final Score theme).
Released as a double A-side single in 1983 and later included as a bonus track on the re-issue of the ‘Perverted by Language’ album, Kicker Conspiracy was a bristling survey of the English footballing landscape of the early 1980s, both at home and in Europe – the media saturation, the dearth/death of flair, the hooliganism, the creeping commercialism, etc.
Discussing the conception of the song, Smith later recalled:
I noticed the early signs [of the middle class takeover of football] when I wrote ‘Kicker’ but I never imagined it’d become so anti-communal. They hike the price of tickets in order to have it for themselves.
Here it is, in all it’s raucous glory…
The lyrics in full…
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
J(immy) Hill’s satanic reign
Ass-lickers Keegan’s team
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
In the marble halls of the charm school
How flair is punished
Under Marble Millichip, the FA broods
On how flair can be punished
Their guest is a Euro-State magnate
Corporate-u-lent
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
In the booze club, George Best does rule
How flair is punished
His downfall was a blonde girl,
but that’s none of your business!
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
Football fan at the bus stop
Stretched on the balls of his feet
In the christmas rush
Had in his hands, two lager cans
Talks to himself
At the back
At the top
But in the pavement on the club unit
Plastic, Slime, Partitions, Cocktail, Zig-Zag, Tudor Bar
Pat McCat. Pat McCat, the very famous sports reporter is
talking… there.
FANS! Remember, you are abroad!
Remember the police are rough!
Remember the unemployed!
Remember my expense account!
Hot dogs and seat for Mr. Hogg!
Hot dogs and seat for Mr. Hogg!
And his grotty spawn!
Lurid brochures for ground unit.
How style is punished
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
Remember, don’t collect with the rough
Kicker, Kicker Conspiracy
Kicker, destroy the facilities!
Kicker Conspiracy
Four minutes of fiery bile, most of which still rings true over three decades later.
If you fancy reading a little more of the irrepressibly irascible Mr Smith’s thoughts on football (circa 2000) then we heartily suggest you give his interview with When Saturday Comes a whirl.
Turns out he fancied himself as a decent centre-half in his day.