Obviously someone in Jose Mourinho’s ‘team’, his own personal Clem Fandango I imagine, has been bugging him for ages to join Instagram: “Jose, you simply have to get on Insta, it’ll be good for your brand, help fans to see the real you.”
Finally, in February of this year, Jose caved. Since then, he’s published seven posts. Trunks on, let’s go for a deep dive…
His first post was a Jose Mourinho logo. Simple. The logo is not very good. The image isn’t even in high-res. And there’s no caption! Did Jose upload this himself? Doubtful. Anyway, are you not intrigued?
Second post, straight to the chase: no-nonsense product endorsement for the high-end watch company that sponsors him. Just a couple of product shots (in high-res this time, which is something). “Beautiful new timepiece and amazing technology,” says Jose, almost sounding like a human being. The hashtag is spelled wrong but, hey, he’s new to this stuff.
Post number three reveals bored Jose being swabbed for the old Corona. No caption. None needed. Is he wearing his Hublot Big Bange [sic] timepiece? Is he fuck. Top comment on this post: “Play attacking football against West Ham please.” Good luck with that.
Up next, Jose surveying his vast array of silverware. Except he’s not really surveying, he’s more staring into your soul and daring you to write him off. I did some Googling and I’m honestly not sure what the 600 refers to. He once stayed for 895 days in a £600-a-night Manchester hotel. It might be that. Again, no caption to clarify. Can you feel his brand growing in strength?
Jose is spoiling us now. Does he only endorse expensive black products? And close that boot, you madman! Your spaniels could escape. (Best comment: “Mate we need the bus.”)
An alpha hug for his old mate ‘Carletto’ Ancelotti. The caption says it all: “I’m a winner. Carlo, you’re a winner too… Just not as much of a winner as me.” Best comment on this one: “Resign and leave our club. We don’t want or need you.”
Jose’s latest content, and he’s dipped his toe into video. This was filmed after Spurs’ home win in the North London derby. Would you check out the size of that dressing room! It’s not Tottenham’s regular dressing room, btw, it’s the one designed for NFL teams, but it’s come in handy during a pandemic. Harry Winks looks tiny and forlorn. Harry Kane is sat watching golf in his pants. It’s all rather soulless, like watching staff get ready for a shift at Westfield. Did Jose film it himself? I think you know the answer to that.