The apocalypse will probably stop Spurs winning the Premier League

Ollie Irish

22nd, November 2020


Apocalypse [ uh-pok-uh-lips ]
Any universal or widespread destruction or disaster

To Spurs (verb) things RIGHT UP

The Harry Kane Team (© Pep) beat Man City yesterday, a result that confirms them as bona fide title challengers. This feels weird, as Tottenham’s MO is to evade such status. Even when Spurs reached the Champions League final two seasons ago, there was never any sense whatsoever that they were Champions League contenders. It felt like pure chance – Poch’s side rolled six sixes in a row, then ran out of gambler’s luck in the final.

But Jose Mourinho is not a manager who relies on chance or magic. He guarantees trophies. And now that he has the squad he wants (sorry Dele, you and your brother are out), Spurs look like a team, and a dangerous one at that. Mourinho is using Gareth Bale by not using him. And Bale is loving it! Yep, this feels weird.

I’m pretending to write from an objective position, but as a Spurs fan, who am I kidding. I’m invested. Poch, we love you, but Jose is our man now. We love his players too. We adore P-E Hjojberg, we love Sergio Reguilon, we love both Joes, Rodon and Hart, and of course we love Bale. We’re a bit meh about Matt Doherty but he’s hardly a target for boo boys.

In short, Mourinho has got us into shape. BE C**TS, he said. It’s the only way to win. So he bought Hjobjerg to show the rest of the squad how to be just that.

Jose is doing his absolute best to knock the Spursiness out of Spurs. But all true fans know that Spursiness is in the club’s DNA. You won’t ever wipe it out, no matter how many c**ts you buy. Even now, as momentum builds, there will always be the feeling that something will go wrong. I picture us cantering to the title, a dozen points clear of Chelsea in second, but then, on the eve of the final round of games, the apocalypse wipes out humanity, and robs us of glory. The last thing humans hear before oblivion is a booming voice emanating from the heavens. The terrible voice shakes the earth to its core: “Lads, it’s Tottenham.”

Posted in Premier League, Tottenham Hotspur

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  1. Jake says:

    A bit premature to be talking title, innit?

    • Ollie Irish says:

      Nah. Spurs has the manager and squad to do it, but I’m saying we’ll find a way to balls it up. I don’t think we’ll win the league. Top four, definitely.

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