Champions League Semi-Final Preview: Chelsea Must Engage Barcelona In Demonic Anti-Football

Chris Wright

17th, April 2012


By Chris Wright

“Juan, does this smell of Marmite to you?”

We are on the eve of a biggy people, leaning and listing lazily toward Chelsea versus Barcelona at Stamford Bridge in the first leg of the semi-finals of the Champions League tomorrow night; Chelsea are a quite good football team and Barca are quite good also, so the good news is that it should be a good match in theory.

Barcelona are footballing deities – we know this, we are told regularly: Xavi and Iniesta have 361° vision, Lionel Messi is an archangel that floats uponst a divine wind of holy kitten farts, etc, etc.

Let’s be honest for moment shall we? There’s just no way on Earth that Chelsea will be able to outdo Barca over two legs. They’re just too damn good, which isn’t necessarily a denigration of Chelsea – rather yet another inevitably glowing testament to the Catalan’s boringly monstrous prowess.

Indeed, the way I see it – there’s only one way Chelsea can pull this off and that’s the way no-one wants to mention and even less want to see; by summoning and engaging in the entire gammut of football’s darkest arts for 180 dismal minutes and hope for the best.

I’m talking diving, feigning, time-wasting, disruptive niggling, über defensive formations, kicking, digging, shirt/hair pulling, throw-in foiling, oil checking.

Even in the second leg, with the Camp Nou teeming with ballistic Barca fans baying for their blood, Chelsea must stop Barca using martial law. Like a footballing equivalent of the apocalyptic war, Barca’s heavenly football hordes can only be matched by the demonic hordes of Anti-football. Something something Dark Side. It’s the only way.

They need to do whatever it takes, otherwise they’re going to get their collective wee arses handed to them. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Chelsea have got to bend those sodding rules to the point of implosion; Have a men sent off for scything down Alexis Sanchez while through on goal, sacrifice a few bookings if it means ending Messi’s night with a dead leg after half-an-hour. Nick a goal with an ill-gained penalty. Really rub it in.

They need to leave Barca pissing and whining about their conduct over the two legs of the 2011/12 Champions League semi for years to come. Chelsea’s performance needs to be legendary, but for all the wrong reasons.

Not that we’d ever advocate such behaviour Mr Di Matteo. Never.

Pies predicts:

Chelsea 0-1 Barcelona at the Bridge (with Chelsea to fold like pansies in the Camp Nou.)

You say?

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While we’re on the subject of the Champions League, here’s a little widget that may appeal to our US readers. Basically, Champions League official partners Heineken are piloting a ‘digital blocker’ widget to help you avoid the scores while browsing the internet (as the match is being played live) so you can watch the game swathed in glorious, glorious ignorance at your own leisure later on – barring the presence of any gobby mates of course.

You can, in effect, pause your UEFA Champions League viewing experience until you can enjoy it the way it’s meant to be: with friends and a Heineken (ahem).

Be among the first to test-drive ‘Keep it Legendary’, a unique set of tools that provides a spoiler-free web-browsing experience, enabling you to block the chatter and preserve the fun of tonight’s UEFA Champions League match until the evening.

Trying it out is easy..

• Be situated in the USA somewhere

• Visit

• Sign in to Facebook and click on the “start” button

• Go to the “Keep It Legendary” tab and begin…


Posted in Barcelona, Betting & predictions, Champions League, Chelsea, Featured, Opinion

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  1. Happy says:

    How bout your Bayern – Real prediction?

  2. Happy says:

    Fuck :(

  3. digger says:

    it will be an el clasico final. it will single handley be the most viewed event on earth ever.

  4. Nuno says:

    Possibly, but it will also be the most controversial final of an event ever. Average 20 dives per team, some reckless tackles and assaults in the last 10 minutes from the losing team. And coaches and players b*tching about the ref in the end.
    Yeah, it will definitely be remembered for a while… (might have a couple good goals though)

  5. Happy says:

    You know, I used to not really think that they fixed the ties, but Barca AND Real both having the advantage of playing away then at home for ALL of the KO phases? Now THAT’s suspicious.

  6. Nuno says:

    oh, and adding to that, if it is announced in the USA as the match between “the two best ‘soccer’ teams on earth” it certainly won’t do football a favor in that side of the Atlantic…

  7. Anonymous says:

    Glad I didn’t fork out for a ticket as it’s already been decided.I’ll go over to St. Pauli instead. Cheaper.

  8. tonys says:

    let’s not forget it will be decided by a penalty…or non-pentalty call.

  9. seve kantewa says:

    Barca is rearly a good team,Chelsea needs self esteemed and unity to fight back . my prediction Chelsea 2 Barca 1 at stamfordbridge.Chelsea fan from Namibia land of the brave

  10. Alex K says:

    Chelsea fan here. Even at our best, we can only hope and pray for a 1-0 (if I’m feeling crazy) but likely 0-0. who is to say this can’t be decided on penalties? IF RDM comes out of this with a tie/win, I might begin to think about how much emphasis penalties have at practice. It might come down to something as simple as that.

  11. Bella says:

    Hang on, missed the first paragraph and thought I was reading a match report of one of the past dozen classicos. And how’s that been working out for Madrid?
    Barcelona and either Chelsea or Madrid could be such great matches if everyone just came to play. All of them have fantastic attacks when they’re up for it.
    Unfortunately, I expect once again to be watching in great anxiety that someone might be killed our maimed.

  12. Redskywalker says:

    Lol, brilliant article, chris

  13. Happy says:

    Whoo! Great game, but it will still be very hard for Bayern to make the final.

  14. Tom says:

    Very good guess on Bayern, Chris

  15. p says:

    barca arent that imperious

    chelsea arent that bad

    the blues are a bit thinner and weaker overall a squad but are in better form

    i see it as fairly even

  16. Fat Nakago says:

    I’m ALL for our winning performance against Barca to be legendary for all the wrong reasons. After all, style points don’t count in the aggregate.

    I don’t care what they say about us afterwards as long as we win. “Just WIN Baby!!” as the late Al Davis said.

  17. King of M says:

    2-0 barca. Can chelsea even stop Messi?. As ray hudson would say “Messi is like a magic mystical unicorn wearing slippers dancing on a telephone wire in the middle of a hurricane during an earthquake.

  18. MrMac says:

    I think chelsea will edge it 2-1 ot 1-0 or something of the equivelant winning by 1.

    And then die 0-1 / 0-2 / 1- 3 @ barca.

    theyll fight at stamford, theyll show their courage.
    Barca will be suprised.

    But they don’t have the distance for 90 minutes of epic insane antifootball. Not without… POR QUE.

    2010 SemiFinal remake, pretty much, except barca will break thru in the final leg and perhaps crush chelsea, perhaps not – but they’ll win.

  19. Chimpo says:

    chelsea fan here. im going for a 0-0 draw at the bridge followed by a 3-1 at barca

    i fear the worst

  20. Max says:

    If Chelsea has a chance, it will only be to come out with a clean sheet at stamford, then play at camp nou just like Mourinho’s Inter did couple of years ago with a 10-0 formation ..

  21. dld_ftw says:

    “Lionel Messi is an archangel that floats uponst a divine wind of holy kitten farts”

    Weeping with laughter! Great job, Chris.

  22. Vincent Cole says:

    Messi hasn’t scored against Chelsea. That’s our only hope. Some kind of jinx that we can rely on.

  23. alejandro22 says:

    chris you were wrong……..

  24. […] a hilarious take on Chelsea vs. Barcelona from the wonderful Chris Wright of Who Ate All The Pies: Champions League Semi-Final Preview: Chelsea Must Engage Barcelona In Demonic Anti-Football Worth it’s weight in gold if only for the line “Lionel Messi is an archangel that […]

  25. blueisthccolor says:

    There is nothing called anti-football. Who said that Barcelona’s way of playing is real football. Not one single long pass in the entire game. But then the Qatar foundation and UNICEF will make sure that Chelsea will go down to 10 man, even 9 if UEFAlona requires it.

  26. Wedding night for Catalan virgin bride: 24 April 2012 says:

    My prediction:

    Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona at the Bridge (with Barcelona to fold like pansies in the Camp Nou.)

    There will be 90,000+ Catalans weeping and gnashing their teeth at Camp Nou, because next Tuesday is when Barcelona’s long undefeated record comes to a screeching halt, deflowered by the Blues.

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