Every football manager’s office should have one of those ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here…’ signs. Because, obviously, you do have to be mad to want to be a football manager. Some bosses are madder than others, naturally. Take a look at this lot, for example:
10 Brilliantly Bonkers Managers continued…
10 Gordon Strachan
Wee, Scottish, ginger, mad twinkly eyes, brilliant dry wit. You’re always guaranteed an interesting post-match press conference if Gordon’s involved.
Sample quote: ‘I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless."’
9 Stuart Pearce
Psycho is a joy to watch on the touchline. He just can’t stay still for a second – it’s clear that all he wants to do is pull on a pair of ridiculously tight shorts, run on the pitch and start playing again.
Sample quote: ‘Shouting your head off and waving arms in the air doesn’t seem to have much effect, but that’s management for you.’
8 Martin O’Neill
Once congratulated Robbie Williams on his solo career by pointing out that Williams ‘can’t write and can’t play guitar’. For that, we will always love him – that and the way he used to tuck his tracksuit bottoms into his socks.
Sample quote: ‘Anybody who is thinking of applying for the Scotland job in the next eight or nine years should go get themselves checked out by about 15 psychiatrists.’
7 Barry Fry
Madder than a top-hat made of bees. Swears more than a thousand sailors.
Sample quote: ‘When you speak to Barry Fry, it’s like completing a 1000-piece jigsaw.’ (Said by the great Brian Moore)
6 Ian Holloway
Pies cult hero and all-round good egg. Like all truly eccentric managers, he loves to mix his metaphors.
Sample quote: ‘To put it in gentleman’s terms, if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, you’ve done what you set out to do. We didn’t look our best today but we’ve pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they’re not. Our performance today would have been not the best-looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best-looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let’s have coffee…’
5 Martin Allen
‘Mad Dog’ (he hates the nickname, acquired during his time as a player at West Ham) is a great man-manager, which surprises me, since he always seems to be ordering his players to jump into freezing cold rivers.
Sample quote: ‘If we win, hopefully we’ll be able to buy some new radiators because we’re freezing our bollocks off down the training ground.’
4 Malcolm Allison (pictured, above)
Flashier than a fireworks factory – rarely seen without trademark fedora and cigar.
Sample quote: ‘John Bond has blackened my name with his insinuations about the private lives of football managers. Both my wives are upset.’
3 Kevin Keegan
Ah, the legend that is Keggy Keegle. In many ways his infamous heart-in-mouth rant – ‘I would love it if we beat them, LOVE it’ – aimed at Alex Ferguson defines what it is to be a modern football manager: you’re constantly wound up, by your own players, by the press, by other managers, by your chairman, and sometimes you just need to let it out, ideally in a televised post-match interview.
Sample quote: ‘I know what is around the
corner – I just don’t know where the corner is. But the onus is on us
to perform and we must control the bandwagon.’
2 Jose Mourinho
The Premier League is slowly turning poor Jose into a shadow of his former self – his tan is fading, he’s losing his hair and he looks tired all the time. No wonder, when he’s always ranting about some perceived slight on him or his oil-rich club, or both. Anger management classes for you, Senor Mourinho.
Sample quote: ‘If I wanted to have an easy job… I would have stayed at Porto –
beautiful blue chair, the Uefa Champions League trophy, God, and after
God, me.’
1 Brian Clough
The mad manager’s mad manager. Old Bighead was the best manager England has ever produced, and also quite bonkers – like a mad, but brilliant scientist.
Sample quote: ‘I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.’
[Ollie, Pies Ed.]