By Alan Duffy

We have been blessed with a multitude of truly hideous, often quirky and occasionally mediocre music videos made by those usually more comfortable with a ball at their feet than a microphone in their hand.

So here, in order of chart performance, is a hand-picked, sun-ripened assortment of five of the best/worst of the footballer/pop genre. Enjoy. Or Not.

1. Diamond Lights – Glenn And Chris.

Two supremely gifted players who would prosper in the more technical world of French football, this challenging, angular pop balled came out of nowhere, like a mullet from a gun.  Unsurprisingly, it’s the far more focused Glenn Hoddle who makes the greater contribution to this classic record, with Chris “Chrissy” Waddle looking as comfortable being a popstar as he does being a pundit. (Chart Peak: 12)

2. Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap) – Paul “Gazza” Gascoigne.

Back in the days before “Surviving Gazza” and the Raoul Moat fishing rod nonsense, Paul Gascoigne was England’s great white hope, with muscles-a-plenty and a fine wiggle both on and off the pitch. The record does repeat itself a bit and should arguably have been banned using a “repetitive crap” law. (Chart Peak: 31)

3. Head Over Heels In Love – Kevin Keegan

Aeons before he was shouting about Alex Ferguson on Sky Sports or mysteriously getting beaten up in motorway lay-bys, Kevin Keegan was football’s Leo Sayer, a bubblegum-permed multi-media node.  This  hideous late seventies cheese-fest was cut during his Hasselhoff period in Germany and made Isla St. Clair look edgy. (Chart Peak: 31)

4. Do The Right Thing – Ian Wright

Produced by Pet Shop Boy (and Gooner) Chris Lowe, this decent nineties house record is unfortunately the victim of a horrible two-footed tackle, courtesy of Wrighty’s weak weak weak vocals. He wears a lovely hat in the video though. (Chart Peak: 43)

5. Outstanding – Andrew/Andy Cole

Like fellow former Arsenal striker Wrighty, Andy/Andrew Cole aimed for credibility with this hip-hop “re-visiting” of an old Gap Band tune. With DJ Pied Piper on the decks (or whatever), the Newcastle and Man Utd superstar still couldn’t hit a barn door with his wayward rhymes and off-target rapping. (Chart Peak: 68)

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