By Chris Wright
In no particular order, Pies’ ten-strong run down of the rumoured January deals we’d absolutely love to see come to fruition for one reason or another…
1. Didier Drogba (Chelsea) to Shanghai Shenhua…
Word is that there are several Chinese clubs queuing up to throw upwards of £400,000-a-week at The Drog in order to coerce him into semi-retirement. Wouldn’t it be lovely if one of those clubs happened to be Nicolas Anelka’s new employers, who immediately finds himself falling down the pecking order behind Drogba again on the Ivorian’s arrival. Glorious, glorious schadenfreude!
2. Fernando Torres (Chelsea) returning to Liverpool on loan…
He’s apparently 4/1 with several bookmakers to slunk back to Anfield this month. I mean, can you just imagine?
3. Andy Carroll (Liverpool) returning to Newcastle on loan…
…only to start scoring shedloads again due to the simple fact that Newcastle’s wingers realise that Carroll’s feet are only there to give his legs a suitable place to end and that all his power and prowess is located somewhere just in front of his ponytail.
4. Hulk (Porto) to the upper echelons of the Premier League…
Hulk is, and I will argue this to the death with any comers, one of – if not the most overrated player in world football as things stand. You may well point to his exemplary goal record in Portugal, but the yawning disparity between his grandiose self-regard and his actual talent level is frightening. He’s decent. Nothing more. It’s an almost entirely irrational dislike but, in short, I want to see him shown up.
5. Frank Lampard (Chelsea) to Tottenham…
Not that it’ll happen in a month of Sundays, but it would raise a faint chuckle to see an ageing diva of a midfielder fail to accept that he is being used sparingly for his own good and leave in a huff in search of first-team football, only to find himself even further away from the first-string in Tottenham’s bulging midfield talent pool.
6. Jordan Rhodes (Huddersfield) to the Premier League…
21 years old. 22 goals in roughly as many games this season. Sharp as a tack. There’s plenty of rumoured interest from the top flight in a cheapo gamble on Rhodes (Everton are reported to have made contact, though presumably with the wind whispering ‘Beckford’ at every turn) and you’ve got to fancy that, on current form, the lad has goals – potentially incredibly important goals – in him despite his lack of experience. The same can probably said for Nicky Maynard (who has just been made available by Bristol City) and Southampton’s Ricky Lambert amongst others.
7. Lukas Podolski (FC Köln) to Arsenal…
This same old bloody rumour has swilled around in every transfer window since life first waded from the primordial ooze and it’s time someone – ahem, Arsene, ahem – put it out of it’s misery. While he’s obviously gifted and enticingly versatile, I’m also curious as to how the notoriously patchy Podolski would get on in the Premier League.
8. Kaka (Real Madrid) to Chelsea…
Basically, just to get it over and done with. If Vincenzo Iaquinta and Daniel De Rossi could also join Tottenham and Man City respectively, that would be just plum dandy.
9. Kieran Richardson (Sunderland) to Arsenal…
Hands up, I’m a big fan of Richardson, despite the fact that I get the distinct feeling he may be a bit of an arsehole. As consistent-a-performer as you’re likely to find at Premier League level with a glut of underrated skill at his disposal, a routinely clean strike and an eye for the spectacular. Arsenal need a left-back. Richardson is a left-back (of sorts). Just saying.
10. Carlos Tevez (Man City) to Tottenham…
Tevez the man is obviously an unbearable fanny. Tevez the player would be a real shame for the Premier League to lose.
Any rumours we’ve missed/you feel worthy of inclusion on this list? Feel free to give us a nudge in the comments box below folks…