Rendered aghast at Arsenal fans descending into apoplexy over the prospect of not finishing in the top four of the Premier League for the first time since 1995, one long-suffering Darlington supporter decided to catalogue the misery he has witnessed over the years.
In order to detail what it’s like to support a club who are actually hopeless, Darlo supporter Joe Kennedy produced the mother of all Twitter threads – a testament to what it is to really suffer as a football fan.
One like = one experience of supporting Darlington which could teach Arsenal fans the actual meaning of ‘hard done by’.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Joe then went on to list every example of utter ineptitude he and his fellow fans have been forced to endure.
It’s pretty comprehensive, so prepare yourselves according…
The high point of the years 1991-95 being signing a 900-year-old Bernie Slaven, who by this point looks like a murderer in a Faulkner novel.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Parading Faustino Asprilla round the pitch before a game, but the traffic is so bad you turn up late & only get to see Glenn Naylor instead.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Rather obvious, but building an ice-cold stadium which seats 25,000 with crowds that settle around 3000.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
<Extremely someone at university in an Arsenal shirt voice> ‘Oh yeah, you support Doncaster, right?’
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Trying to solve a drainage problem by pouring 10,000 worms on the pitch (?), all of which die immediately.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Getting in the news because, in an attention-seeking fit of pique, David Hodgson transfer-listed the entire team after a narrow defeat.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Literally *losing* hundreds of tonnes of steel earmarked to put a roof on a stand & acting like that’s a normal thing to happen.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Cunningly avoiding an unwanted FA Cup tie against Arsenal by losing to Farnborough Town.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Awaking one transfer deadline day to find you’ve sold Robbie Blake, replacing him with a Eugene Landy-era Brian Wilson dressed as Carl Shutt
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Not being on the original 80-team version of Championship Manager, and being absolutely rubbish on every subsequent version.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Entering administration three times in ten years, finally being kicked down to the Darlington & District Church League or something.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Half the clubs in that league doubling their admission prices when you visit, but just for you, not for their pitchfork-wielding fans.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Darlington station on a Saturday morning, full of locals boarding trains in Newcastle shirts, practicing authentogeordie glottal stops.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Telling everyone at school in September you won’t cut your hair til Darlo win away. Losing one year of sixth form to awful hair.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
When the club – and this was *pre*-Reynolds – made an ‘official fanzine’ with a Putinesque disregard for the transparency of its propaganda.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
All the years of Pessoaesque banal misery that can’t be communicated in 140 characters.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
The comedy of the misery resting on jokes about players so bad that 99.99% of people will, quite justifiably, be totally unaware of.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Falling very deeply in love with Pawel Abbott about 2 days before realising he was made out of gingerbread.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Having to share a ground with a manifestly Tory rugby club who remind you at every turn that you’re just tenants…for the next twenty years
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Classily releasing the player whose goal has just won you the FA Trophy a few hours before a civic ceremony in honour of that feat.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
First learning about Kafka from fanzine writers struggling to find an analogy for what supporting Darlington is actually like.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 10, 2017
Similarly, the highlight of the period 2002-2005 being an unsubstantiated rumour that one of the scriptwriters on Corrie was a Darlo fan.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
The raw disappointment at losing our mention in the Guinness Book of Records, for when an away goalkeeper got sent off after 21 seconds.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
Re-signing a former teenage prodigy 7 or 8 years after he was teenage, or prodigious in any sense other than his colossal eye-bags.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
The only good thing in 1991-92 being our loanee from Celtic getting sent off for kicking an opponent up the arse right in front of the ref.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
My terror at some lads from my form persistently threatening to have my birthday read out over the tannoy when it wasn’t even my birthday.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
Realising the first Tweet was a lie and Bernie Slaven looked less like a 1930s American murderer than a touring member of Gallon Drunk: pic.twitter.com/WTaETnrWF5
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
Oh, this is a good one. Breaking off our sponsorship with obscure telecommunications firm ‘Orange’ & replacing it with *a made-up company*.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
Signing mummified goalkeeping ‘personality’ John Burridge on an emergency loan, just in time for his zany error to cost us a trip to Anfield
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
George Reynolds’ wife unexpectedly & publicly accusing the players of deliberately throwing games at a ‘meet the team’ event. That was good.
— Joe Kennedy (@joekennedy81) April 11, 2017
So the next time you’re thinking about printing out an A4 ‘Wenger Out’ banner or find yourself Googling ‘plane hire in North London’, just take a moment to remember those less fortunate that you.
Oh yeah, and that worm thing? It actually happened.