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Who ate all the pies

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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

mostovoi_m.jpgFollowing the Great Alexander Mostovoi Search © last week, Pies came across this tremendous Horror Hair effort from Mostovoi during his Soviet Union days. We are not sure whether Queen were big in the USSR, but there is more than a hint of Freddie Mercury about the young Mostovoi’s appearance. You also sense that he would like the hair to be more like Brian May if only he could get those curls.

Rodrigo%20Palacio.JPGOur latest Horror Hair candidate is Boca Juniors’ Rodrigo Palacio, as nominated by Pies reader David Keyes. We thought the rat-tail look had been once again confined to Horror Hair heaven following a brief outing by Sweden’s Christian Wilhelmsson at last summer’s World Cup.

Horror Hair: Andy Gray

June 4th, 2007

Andy%20Gray%20Horror%20Hair.JPGWhile Andy Gray is taking a slating in the red tops, it is worth considering that the bald Sky Sports pundit was once an excellent Horror Hair ambassador. It may be hard to imagine as the studio lights bounce of his shiny forehead, but Gray once sported this candy floss perm. I suspect the crazy blond barnet is hiding a multitude of sins and that the hairline was already receding at this stage.

Right, it’s time to settle it once and for all. Who is David Beckham’s best Shit Lookalike with his new barnet?

74348193.jpgYes, this shiny faced youth shares a name with Germany’s most famous ginger racketeer. Becker junior (he’s not related to Boris snr, as far as we know) is a defender, and currently on the books of FC Kaiserslautern.

chris%20blackburn.JPGGracing the Football League next year following Morecambe’s promotion is the greasy Horror Hair of defender Chris Blackburn. The Shrimps are in the League for the first time after beating Exeter in the Conference play-off at the weekend. And joining them in League Two next season will be Blackburn’s grunge-tastic locks.

73639862.jpgI once shaved a line in one of my eyebrows. Don’t ask me why I did it – I was young and dumb. And yes, it made me look like an utter twat.

Horror Hair: Chris Eagles

May 10th, 2007

Eagles.JPGPies is always eager to see young up-and-coming Horror Hair candidates breaking into the first-team. Manchester United youngster Chris Eagles is an excellent example of this.

Although we love to slag him off for his vanity, Becks hasn’t had that many dreadful hair styles over the years. At least he has the option of a style – Pies is sadly afflicted with male pattern baldness and is in no position to pass judgment…

He’s got a pineapple on his head. Nottingham Forest striker Jason Lee and his pineapple haircut were the victims of endless ribbing from David Baddiel and Frank Skinner in the early 1990s.

Beckham.JPGAfter yesterday’s tribute to Horror Hair legend David James, it seems fitting that today another maestro of bad barnets should reveal his latest masterpiece.

In the week that Portsmouth keeper David James broke the record for the most number of Premiership clean sheets, Pies acknowledges one man’s outstanding contribution to the art of Horror Hair.
david%20james.JPG1 The Fun Boy Three
Despite this picture, Pies can confirm that James in fact spent the late 1980s and early 1990s as a Watford player and not as a member of Fun Boy Three.
Horror Hair-o-meter rating: 7 out of 10

Talking of big, tough centre backs with girlie hair, keep you eyes peeled for Sevilla’s Javi Navarro playing against Tottenham tonight. The Spanish side’s captain is hard as nails, yet there is more than a hint of Mexes about his choice of haircut. In the first leg, Navarro wore his hair in the sort of […]

There is something wrong, almost contradictory, about an uncompromising centre-back with a girl’s haircut. The surftastic barnet of Roma’s Philippe Mexes is no exception. The Frenchman’s normally assured performances (although he horrendously lacked any sort of assurance last night) and sunkissed highlights have earned him the nickname Laurent Blond. Anyway, as is his hair wasn’t […]

David Beckham collected an Outstanding Contribution to British Sport award (there is a message of hope to all Real Madrid benchwarmers) at the Sports Industry Awards 2007 last night sporting his new haircut. There is definitely a touch of the Tintins about his new strawberry blond short-back-and-sides-avec-quiff. No murmurs about them both having a faithful […]

Ralph Coates, formerly of Spurs and Leyton Orient was the king of the combover. He rivalled Bobby Charlton, not only in the barnet department, but also on the pitch. What this cracking goal he scored for the O’s and also, watch what happens when Mark Lawrenson is faced with a "good, honest, earthy shoulder charge…"

Wee Gordon Strachan in 1977

February 13th, 2007

Gordon Strachan was a tenacious and tricky little player in his day… little being the operative word. Before days of winning the Cup Winners Cup with Aberdeen, and spells at Leeds and ManYoo, the wee man was a rising star at Dundee. Watch him tear apart Abroath with his hair nearly as big as he […]

Horror Hair: Carlos Valderrama

February 5th, 2007

There was only so long we could continue our Ginger Afro series without resorting to the glaringly obvious. It is, of course, the man with arguably the greatest afro of all time never mind ginger afro: Carlos Valderrama. The Colombian’s beautiful ginger locks leave the likes of Wes Brown, Ian Wallace and Noel Brotherston trailing […]

With the League Cup Final places being decided last night, I thought I’d have a look for an old classic final. Pick of the bunch was a cracking final between Luton Town and Notts Forest in 1989. There’re a whole host of horror haircuts in this clip with Mick Harford, Steve Foster… Stuart Pearce is […]

Horror Hair: Alexi Lalas

February 1st, 2007

Our mission to collate football’s finest collection of ginger afros continues with Alexi Lalas. The former USA international found time for a bit of a ginger afro when he wasn’t in his long hair/headband rocker stage. And look at him now: short hair, always in his suit and preparing to tend to David Beckham’s every […]

Horror Hair: Ian Wallace

January 29th, 2007

Ginger afro season continues on Pies with former Coventry City striker Ian Wallace. As if the haircut was not daring enough, Wallace is also sporting the Sky Blues’ notorious brown away kit. The former Scotland international was Britain’s third £1 million-plus player, but is now a self-confessed alcoholic. He appeared in court earlier this month […]

We’re in the middle of a ginger afro fetish at the moment at Pies. There have been a few over the years, but surely no-one can match the mighty bonce of Noel Brotherston. Noel was a tricky winger, and graced the flanks of Spurs, Blackburn Rovers, Bury, and Scarborough, and won 27 international caps for […]

Continuing our ginger afro theme – and especially for Pies regular Billyo – here is Wes Brown proving you don’t have to be able to play like Carlos Valderrama to pull off the ginger afro on a football pitch. Go Wes! Have you spotted a footballing ginger afro? Let us know so we can give […]

David James might have ditched his greasy side-parting, but Horror Hair of that standard doesn’t just disappear over night. The Portsmouth keeper has transformed his Clark Kent look into this backcombed effort, which we must admit is an improvement (although it wasn’t difficult to improve on the previous look). The BBC website has a nice […]