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Who ate all the pies

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Songs & Chants

Arsenal striker to star in ‘The Danish Way To Rock’

On Guitar… Tomas Rosicky

March 2nd, 2010

Arsenal star rocks out with singer wearing Liverpool shirt

Can you watch the whole damned video without cringing?

‘Ball ball ball, footie footie footie!’

Sky Sports admits muting offensive chants

If Football’s Coming Home in 2010, it’s doing so without a backing track

Will United fans respond to a gentle blast of Fergie’s hairdryer?

Smell my cheese you mother

Patrice Evra is an iPod Nazi

August 19th, 2009

Bow down and tremble at these mad Photoshop skills. Ahem So apparently Evra is an iPod Nazi. (That’s OK, Patrice – so am I.) According to our chums at The Spoiler, the feisty Frenchman has appointed himself Man Utd’s official DJ-in-residence: “I enjoy the role very much. Before the match I sit down in my […]

“Spurs are on their way to Wembley, Tottenham’s gonna do it again.” You know Ossie’s thinking: “What the fuck am I doing here?” Fair play to Ardiles though, for playing the role of “dumb foreigner who can’t pronounce Tottenham like what the English does” (he even called his autobiography “Ossie’s Dream”). Today however, Ossie’s role […]

Like a Geoff Thomas shot, musical parodies often miss the mark – but this works perfectly, not just because Mark Viduka’s name fits the chorus to Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ perfectly, but because it’s funny that anyone would choose such an inconsistent, mercurial player as Viduka to song-worship.

The A is for my authority, which many players seem to question, thinking they’re somehow going to make me change my mind. B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way. C is for the continual criticism I recieve from the touchline - get back in […]

Two very ugly men with wonky faces and indisputably shit hair. That is all. ‘Nuff respect to Pies reader Kit Sheppard, who emailed us with this fine suggestion. Think you can do better than Kit? Email Pies with your lookalike(s).

Next month (17 July, to be precise), indie rockers Doves – who support Man City – will play a concert in the car park of Eastlands Stadium (it doesn’t get much more rock ‘n’ roll than that, folks). The ‘Live from City’ gig is also sponsored by Umbro, who make City’s new kit. As such, […]

“Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!” Robinho provides you with your quote of the day. Looks like we’ve found something wrong with Mr Perfect, at last.

I’m loving the cheerful way the kids sing it. Altogether now, “We all hate Leeds scum, we all hate Leeds scum…”

This is Jamie Gascoigne, a Dagenham-dwelling Spurs fan with a big squawky mouth. He’s just been voted Sky’s FanZoner of the Year, which is, ahem, the only thing Spurs won in 08/09. It’s something at least for Yids to be able to say, “We have a more annoying and opinionated fan than you…” Though Jamie […]

Much consternation in Manchester with the YouTube release of a video shot at the Spirit of Shankly’s end-of-season party, showing people chanting “Munich!” during a singer’s live performance. Spirit of Shankly (formerly Sons of Shankly) is the self-appointed official supporters’ union of Liverpool FC. Self-righteous, much? As I wrote in my column for, it’s […]

Norwegian giant praised to the heavens “Brede Hangeland, Brede Hangeland, He is Norway’s Bobby Moore (Bobby Moore). He is Norway’s Bobby Moore.” Hangers might not be on the same level as the great Moore, but if he has a few more seasons like this one, he won’t be far off. Fulham fans worship him, clearly.

More gay innuendo than you can shake a stick at… Sample quotes: “He’s not frightened to go in where it hurts.” “He’s gonna come inside.” Genius. And notice the prominence of football’s most orgasmic commentator, Jonathan Pearce.

How many stars can you spot? The best football song/video I’ve seen this season, no contest.