Chelsea’s Six-Point Plan To Beat Barcelona At Camp Nou

Chris Wright

24th, April 2012


By Chris Wright

Last week, Pies outlined a flawless gameplan for Chelsea to get the better of Barcelona at the Bridge. Recognising incredible tactical fortitude when they saw it, Roman’s mob followed our ‘demonic anti-football’ blueprint To. The. Letter and duly ended the first leg of the Champions League semi-final with a 1-0 lead. Tentative maybe, but a lead nonetheless.

Six days on and Chelsea now face the unenviable task of preserving said tentative lead for at least 90 minutes of Barcelona wave attack onslaught in the Camp Nou cauldron. Not only will they be facing Barca (which is daunting enough as is) they will be facing a Barca who, in between both legs of the semi, have been all but forced to welsh on the La Liga title for the first time since 2007/08. The Champions League became a shade more important to them all of a sudden.

With that in mind, here’s our six-point plan for Chelsea. Basically we’re advocating more of the same shenanigans as last Wednesday – only much, much more bastardly…

1. Don’t play David Luiz. Just don’t. Seriously, you’d be better off playing Liza Minelli at centre-half tonight.

2. No need to specifically mark Messi; he’s on a goal-drought and woefully out of form. We’re talking ‘purple downwards arrow’ out of form here. The work-shy little berk hasn’t scored in his last two (TWO!) games now. Instead, focus all attention on kicking Andres Iniesta up in the air for 90 minutes. Make sure all Barca’s chances fall to Cesc Fabregas’ left foot.

3. ‘Parking the bus’ is a phrase we’ve heard garbled fairly frequently in the run up to tonight – indeed, it seems Chelsea may have used the Arsenal game at the weekend to practice the art of sticking an AEC Routemaster broadside afore their goalposts. Tonight, however, Chelsea must aim bigger. Why not try ‘parking the aircraft carrier’ instead? We’re thinking something like this…

(This way for more examples of Pies’ MS Paint mastery)

4. Crib from the very best in the business at pissing off Barcelona – Mourinho that is, not Petr Cech…

5. Assuming he overcomes his knee-knack, give Dider Drogba a target time of ‘at least half-an-hour‘ this time out if you know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink, a nod’s as good as a wink to a blind horse ‘ave a cup of tea me old cock sparrah.

6. Defend like titans once again, ‘anticipate contact’ left, right and centre, hide the ball under Cech’s padded bonnet at corners, pull, grope, twist, elbow, dislocate, etc and then hope and pray like Pienaar and Kaka combined that this kind of thing isn’t actually happening in an subterranean bunker somewhere deep beneath Catalonia…

Ask Robin van Persie for details.

In summary: As we said before the first leg, Chelsea need to leave Barca licking piss of thistles for the rest of time with a performance so grotesque and calculated it’ll be talked about and held up as an example of how football shouldn’t be played from 10:00pm tonight until the sun implodes.

What are we saying Pies fans? Anyone out there backing the Blues to pull this one off? Let’s hear your predictions?

We’ll have 2-0 Barca.

Posted in Barcelona, Champions League, Chelsea, Featured, Top 10s & lists

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  1. Ian says:

    4-1 Barca, Cahill sent off at 0-0, Luiz brought on, need i say more?

  2. Archbishop Betty Snagcock says:

    3-1 Barca (god i hope chelsea don’t win)

  3. Afnan says:

    We will see different Barcelona today … It will be Barcelona a 3-1. Victory and Barcelona into the finals

  4. Milkchew says:

    To be fair Barce globbered them in the first game and shouldave won anyway, Chelsea only `survived` thanks to luck really. This leg will see that corrected and Brace rip them to pieces, David Luiz or not. 4-0 Barce.

  5. Dale says:

    eat a dick all of you hating, spiteful pricks

  6. rat says:

    sorry Dale you just not my type of girl

  7. Urinal Cakes says:

    The only statistic that counts is goals scored. Not possession percentage, not shots on goal or any other half arsed number people like to make up these days.
    Chelsea to have it on an away goal.

  8. Paul Kirkland says:

    I just about lost it when I saw the Chelsea players crudely drawn in the net. I absolutely lost it when I saw Petr lying down.

  9. Alex says:

    To lighten the mood after Dale’s comment, I suggest they all wear Sami Khedira masks to try and haunt Barca into submission.

    Though i think this may not be as tricky as some are suggesting, Barca’s movement was fairly sluggish against Madrid, they might be exhausted.

  10. Anonymous says:

    5-0 Barca with Terry being sent off in the first minute.

  11. bear says:

    lost my shit at point 3

  12. Archbishop Betty Snagcock says:

    my word

  13. WildScotsman6 says:

    Well.. you missed the Terry and Cahill great defending part, but called it on everything else! One thing you missed. Chelsea, as well is Real Madrid last week, let Barca have the wings. Both teams knowing that none of their wee defenders will ever get a head on it.

  14. yngwie j. malmsteen says:

    haha pies you ate your own words again.

  15. Moxey says:

    What about point #7. Get John Terry sent off so he’s free to roam around the ground trying to screw the Barcelona WAGs. This will make the Barca players worried that JT is on the prowl and they will not be fully concentrating on the game.
    Joking aside, well done Chelsea.

  16. WildScotsman6 says:

    @Moxey hahahah!!

  17. John says:

    lol, i love the way torres didnt even get a mention. di matteo can shield his mind from even the jedi master that is pies.

  18. Urinal Cakes says:

    Like I said earlier, the only statistic that counts is goals scored. Must say, Chris pretty much called it with point number 3.
    Epic night for The Blues.

  19. p says:

    barcelona is so fun to watch with their committing 10 men forward to pass the ball around a short handed squad

    i was so impressed, as always, with that

    what a great attacking squad

    but really, how could you expect anyone to score on a team with bosingwa playing centre back. surely an impossible feat.

  20. Jarren says:

    Epic night indeed.

    Awesome defending. Chelsea knew what they had to do, and Torres was the icing on the cake.

    This coming from a Man Utd fan. Honestly, I was in ecstasy when Torres did his thing.

    Haven’t felt that high since my clubbing days.


  21. alejandro22 says:

    what a great night!!! i think chelseas going to win it this year!!!!

  22. njas2000 says:


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