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Top 10 awesome footballers’ names

For the record, we’ve only included footballers who are currently active, so Socrates – clearly the most awesome name of all time – is not eligible. In order of personal preference, counting down from No.10, we present:


10. Hulk

OK, Hulk is only a nickname – his real name is Givanildo Vieira de Souza – but the Porto striker qualifies because he does play with the name on the back of his shirt. Smashing.

9. Danny Invincible

It’s rather a shame that Invincible is actually a journeyman forward for Kilmarnock, rather than the Greatest Player in the World. With a supreme name like that, he should be so much better.


8. Quim

A very childish choice, I know, but then I am very childish – the Portuguese keeper’s (nick)name never fails to raise a smile.


7. John Nutter

This Gillingham defender has the perfect English clogger’s name.

6. Ricardo Magno Virtuoso

The Brazilian midfielder is currently out of contract, having been released by MLS outfit Columbus Crew in 2008. With a name like that, he definitely needs a new job.

5. Zoltan Kiss

Hungarian midfielder – Zoltan is quite a popular first name in Hungary – who plays for Debreceni. Sounds like a camp Bond villain, in the vein of Christopher Walken’s Max Zorin in A View to a Kill.

4. Frank Awanka

Reportedly plying his trade in Luxembourg. Best enjoyed when said aloud. Poetic.


3. Vagner Love

Lothario-monikered striker, now doing the business for Palmeiras (on loan from CSKA Moscow).

2. Waldo Ponce

We told you last month that man with the mincing ringmaster’s name was a transfer target for Wigan. Nothing has come of the rumour, but Pies will continue to mention the Chilean defender as much as possible, for obvious reasons, i.e. we’re puerile.

1. Johnny Moustache

Simply magnificent and for my money, fully deserving of the No.1 spot – he sounds like a team-mate of Billy the Fish. Johnny is a veteran forward who stars for the Seychelles national team.

Any great names we missed? Let’s hear your favs…

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By Ollie Irish on January 6th, 2010 in Featured, Funnies, Top 10s & lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

44 Responses to “Top 10 awesome footballers’ names”

  1. pieman says:

    the player from Luxumborg should be playing for chelsea.

  2. spectator says:

    robby savage.

    oh and that guy, Rat, who plays for shakhtar donetsk.

  3. NeddyB says:

    whats Danny Shittu gotta do for a shout out?

  4. Ollie says:

    Shittu didn’t quite make the cut, NeddyB. I take Quim over Shit any day.

  5. BitterBlue says:

    Surely Rod Fanni is worth a mention the french dude who plays at Rennes.

  6. Joe says:

    I love how mr. Nutter plays next to a Mr. King, which means they appear as ‘King Nutter’ on the team sheet. Almost as good as Charlton’s former back 3 of ‘Fish-Costa-Fortune’.

    As for names, a personal favourite has to be Stefan Scheid, who gave us the greatest chant in the history of football.

  7. Niels says:

    I can’t pronounce Chelsea’s Zhirkov without saying ‘jerk off’…

  8. Delboy Dublin says:

    Two words…. Bongo Christ!!

  9. bang says:

    stephan kuntz surely

  10. liam says:

    Igor Shitov plays for BATE.

  11. stoney says:

    kazim kazim at fener

  12. Easy bro ! says:

    Cinema Pongol !

  13. Anonymous says:

    arshavin zhirkov… come on

  14. lex. says:

    wasnt there a player called Chiqui Arce ?

  15. Jack Roberts says:

    Every one has missed teh biggest and funniest of teh lot
    ars bandeet , teh famous algerian international defender from teh 70’s , LOL LOL

  16. Anonymous says:

    Hans-jorg Butt?

  17. Adam says:

    Hans-Jorg Butt?

  18. Quincy says:

    S.Ward sounds pretty cool to me.
    And, Mendes da Silva isn’t said in a sec eighter.

  19. Philando Torres says:

    Quim – I’ll never forget saying that in front of my mate’s mum when discussing footy. I didn’t quite have the skill to convince her I was being genuine whilst also choking with laughter.

  20. Bikram says:


  21. nick says:

    Fabian Assman. Argentinean keeper. Funniest name ever.

  22. D. Smolken says:

    Probably not deserving to make the top 10, but Fabian Assmann should get honorable mention for living up to his name and dating Melina Pitra and her damn fine booty.

  23. says:

    Top 10 awesome footballers’ names …

    Hulk, Quim .. all the classics are there…

  24. bbfuretjgi says:

    wang dong from china, 2 substitute names for a thing that is found in male pants

  25. Anonymous says:

    If you weren’t as idiot as you are, you’d knew, that Kiss is one of the most frequent Hungarian surnames…

  26. Muffinz says:

    Brisbane Roar’s keeper in the A-league is Griffin McMaster. Fairly radicool

  27. Dave Macbeth says:

    I would like to nominate Emmanuel Panther, currently on loan at Morecambe from Exeter City.

  28. Joe says:

    Scratch all that, I’ve found the best one. The captain of Dutch Frist division strugglers RBC is named, wait for it… SJOERD ARS!

  29. Ismail says:

    Hamit Altintop
    When he first appeared with two rocket-like goals, Germans called him tip-top altintop. And Altintop means golden ball. It’s remarkable to me..

  30. Alan says:

    No takers for Joby McAnuff?

  31. fonzie says:

    Climax Lawrence, South African footballer, has to be the greatest ever name, always had a soft spot for Scottish/Nigerian player Emanuel Panther aswell

  32. Anonymous says:

    David Seaman????

  33. elvido says:

    Nicky Butt?!

  34. theRoux says:

    Zoltan Kiss? absolutely not funny. Kiss is a very poular name in Hungary, too, like Smith in Britain.
    and you have to pronounce like KISH, not “Kiss” like the band or kiss like the touch w/ur lips…
    nice try, but failed.

  35. perrie git wit says:

    Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink for hull city

  36. Ricardo Mazzatelli says:

    how about Gay Assulin from Barca?

  37. qwerty says:

    Ciro immobile is a pretty epic name

  38. Mat says:

    John Thomas played for Preston North End. He gave us, “John Thomas holding his own in the middle of the park today.” and “John Thomas coming in from behind.”

    Kenny Lunt caused a few problems for commentators too during his Sheffield days.

  39. Anonymous says:

    you are a owesooome

  40. Duder says:

    Jan Banan for Stabæk SK in Norway.

  41. Chris says:

    Waht, no Kun Aguero? or Danny Shittu??? oh and altho hes not a footballer, hes the dad of two (albeit if they are crap), the one and only Neville Neville :P

  42. Dr.Pancake says:

    I Believe The Legendary Dan Shittu, Stefan Kuntz, Sam Rickkets, Bongo Christ And Brian Pinas Are All At Least Worthy Of A Menchion!!!

  43. sds says:

    Yaya Banana, who plays in Ligue 1

  44. Anonymous says:

    Quincy Owusu-Abeyie

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