Top 10 Ugliest Players in the Premier League

Ollie Irish

23rd, August 2006


Seeing an ugly footballer with a stunning blonde always puts me in mind of Mrs Merton’s classic one-liner to Debbie McGee: ‘So, Debbie, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?’ It’s a sad fact of life that not all famous people are blindingly attractive.

Anyway, after extensive research, we can reveal that the Top 10 Ugliest Players in the Premier League are:

Top 10 Ugliest Players in the Premier League continued…


10 Edwin van der Sar Man U’s Dutch keeper has a face that puts me in mind of Lurch, The Addams Family’s lanky butler.


9 Pascal Cygan
The bald Frenchman looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf. He’s not as good a defender as Kryten, but, hey, you can’t have it all.


8 Lee Hendrie
Would feel right at home in Royston Vasey.


7 Francis Jeffers Wrong-faced Scouse chav. His neck’s too long, his eyes are too small and his ears stick out. Apart from that, he looks fine.


6 Nemanja Vidic Looks like he’s been 12 rounds with Mike Tyson (or Duncan Ferguson).


5 Wayne Rooney
Everyone’s favourite ogre.


4 Phil/Gary Neville
Faces somehow got mixed up at birth.


3 Ivan Campo
Acceptable hair/face for a rock band (doesn’t he look like The Strokes’ Albert Hammond?), but not for a modern footballer.


2 Jimmy Bullard
I’ve never employed a chimney sweep, but if I did, I’d fully expect him to look like Jimmy Bullard.


1 Peter Crouch The new king of ugly footballers.

Who have we missed? Get in touch and let us know. More ugly footballers here.

[Ollie, Pies Ed.]