There are so many great football chants that raise a smile here at Pies Towers. I’ve compiled list of 50 of our favourites, in no particular order. Here’s part one of that listâ€¦
‘In the town, called Sunderland,
There lived a man with a monkey’s heid,
And they called him Peter Reid’
Geordies and Boro lads alike would taunt Mackems with this pearl. It’s funny because it’s true â€“ former Sunderland boss Peter Reid does indeed have a monkey’s head. Or is there a monkey out there with the head of Peter Reid. I’m not sure.
‘Ooh aah Cantona, say ooh ahh Cantona!’
Brilliantly simple and effective. Started by Leeds fans, nicked by Man U fans when King Eric crossed the Pennines. Then fans started singing ‘Ou est Cantona?’ to the bereft Leeds faithful.
‘We all dream of a team of Carraghers, a team of Carraghersâ€¦’
Sung by Liverpool fans, with some affection, to the tune of The Beatles’ ‘Yellow Submarine’.
‘When the ball hits your head and you sit in row Z, thats Zamora.’
Sung about aimless Bobby Zamora to the tune of ‘That’s Amore’. Lyrical genius.
‘He’s blond, he’s quick
His name’s a porno flick, Emmanuel! Emanuel!’
Frequently sung in honour of Manu Petit when he was at Highbury.
‘You dirty northern bastards!’
A versatile chant, most often used by southern shandy-drinking types to wind up their northern cousins. Can also be used ironically – Plymouth Argyle fans sing it to anyone.
‘We’ve got Timmy Tourettes in our nets, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!’
Proud Man U fans ignore political correctness to greet the signing of Tim Howard.
‘Sit down Pinocchio!’
Shouted at large-nosed Scouser Phil Thompson. More recently it has also been aimed in the direction of Gareth Southgate.
‘Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!’
Well, it had to be in here somewhere. A timeless classic. More often abbreviated today to simply ‘You fat bastard!’
‘Park Park, wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
It could be worse, you could be Scouse
Eating rats in your council house’
More black humour, again from those witty Man U fans. Korea’s Park Ji Sung must feel honoured.
‘You’ve got Di Canio, we’ve got your stereoâ€¦’
Check out Liverpool fans being all post-modern and deconstructing their own stereotype. Sung at West Ham fans, who would often boast ‘We’ve got Di Canio!’
‘Does she take it up the arse?’
A question frequently put to David Beckham, especially when he was taking a corner in front of opposition fans. And to this day, we don’t know if Victoria does take it up the arse.
‘Ten men went to lift, went to lift Frank Lampard, ten men and their forklift truck went to lift Frank Lampard’
A cunning variation on ‘Ten men went to mow’, aimed at Fat Frank by opposition fans.
‘The wheels on your house go round and round, round and round’
This always makes me smile. Directed at players who are perceived as, er, gypsyish or pikey.
‘Your sister is your mother, your uncle is your brother
You all fuck one another, the ________ family’
Sung to the theme tune of The Addams Family. A particular favourite of Ipswich and Norwich fans, who shout it at each other.
‘We’re gonna deep-fry your pizzas!’
A one-off moment of inspiration from Scotland fans, who threatened Italian fans with a culinary fate worse than death.
‘Woooah, Al-Fayedâ€¦ he wants to be a Brit, and QPR are shit’
Bit of a non-sequitur from Fulham supporters, but it makes me smile.
‘Neville Neville, your play is immense
Neville Neville, you play in defence
Neville Neville, like Jacko you’re bad,
Neville Neville, the name of your dad’
Sung to the tune of David Bowie’s Rebel Rebel, to honour Gary and Phil Neville. Much better lyrics than the original, I’m sure you agree.
‘His name is Rio and he watches from the stand’
Rio Ferdinand had to put up with this when he was banned for missing a drugs test. A nice twist on ‘His name is Rio and he dances for West Ham’, which Irons fans used to sing, to the tune of Duran Duran’s ‘Rio’, predictably enough.
‘Don’t blame it on the Biscan
Don’t blame it on the Hamman
Don’t blame it on the Finnan
Blame it on Traoreâ€¦
He just can’t, he just can’t, he just can’t control his feet’
Pure genius to honour the hapless Djimi Traore during his time at Liverpool. Sung to the tune of ‘Blame it on the Boogie’.
‘You are my Solskjaer, my Ole Solskjaer
You make my happy, when skies are grey’
The Baby Faced Assassin made Man U fans happy. Simple as that.
‘Sign on, sign on,
With a pen in your hand,
‘Cause you’ll never get a job’
A classic, which I’m sure Liverpool fans never tire of hearing.
‘Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams!’
Again, political correctness went out of the window when it was reported that larger-than-life keeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Fans can be so cruelâ€¦ we can?
‘Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best
They go up from his arse to his chest
They are better than Adam and the Ants
Niall Quinn’s disco pants’
The most famous pants in football.
‘He’s big, he’s red
His feet stick out the bed
Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch’
At 6ft7 his feet probably do stick out the bed. More wit from the Kop End.
Any favourites of yours that we’ve missed so far? Fear not, part two will be posted next weekâ€¦