Ten Fearless Predictions For The New Premier League Season

Ollie Irish

13th, August 2010

15 Comments

By Ollie Irish

With the new Premier League season less than 24 hours away, here’s what is going to happen between now and May 2011. Get thee to a bookies. Or not.

1. Chelsea win the title, again (for reasons I have already laid out).

2. Blackpool, West Brom and Wolves go down. Blackpool finish 20th, of course, on unlucky 13 points. Ian Holloway isn’t there to see it. He’s sacked in February.

3. Man City (second) finish above Man Utd (fourth) for the first time in the Prem era, with Arsenal (third) the filling in a Manc sandwich. (People question if Fergie is ‘past it’, naturally. He retires at the end of the season, with a face like claret, black pudding and thunder.)

4. Newcastle’s Chris Hughton is the first Prem manager to be sacked. In October.

5. Against the odds, Man City gaffer Roberto Mancini keeps his team happy, and keeps his job for the whole season.

6. Didier Drogba finishes as top scorer, with 26 goals.

7. Wayne Rooney begins to unravel, unable to control his Vesuvius-like temper, and does end up living in a caravan park, as Nike predicted.

8. Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez plays a lot less than United fans would like, but still manages to score ten goals, mostly off his face and arse.

9. Carlo Ancelotti’s left eyebrow becomes self-aware. You’ve seen ‘Terminator 2’, right? We’re doomed.

10. Everyone at Sky Sports explodes in a bizarre HD-related accident – except the mighty Jeff Stelling. This is more of a wish than a prediction.

There. Pies has spoken (and spoken shit mostly, you might say).

Got any of your own predictions? Let’s have it…

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15 Comments

  1. Donner Meat says:

    Alberto Aquilani spends most of the season injured only to look like ‘he might be alright actually’ during his ten minutes off the bench, in the league cup final against Blackburn.

  2. Gamblino says:

    Just cos Wolves had 6POINTS off spurs last season! ;-) You said they’d go down last season and you will be wrong again. The other 2 plus Bolton.

  3. RaybuckLuck says:

    My predictions:
    Aston Villa hires Bob Bradley, immediately buys Dempsey, Donovan, and Altidore. They finish 18th.

    Man City petitions league to play 15 players on the pitch at a time, to have only 10 players left complaining for match time.

    Joe Cole gets hurt within 15 minutes of the league opener.

    Michael Owen, Chicarito and Cleverley leave United to join the Broadway revival of Wizard Of Oz as the Lollipop Guild.

    Owen Coyle leaves Bolton for Newcastle midseason with no regrets.

    Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas misses all of October due to an eyebrow waxing injury.

    and finally, Tottenham’s Harry Redknapp leaves the team to host X Factor.

  4. INTER291103 says:

    Point of view from Italy:

    – a Manchester team will win the title with the other one finishing 3rd, under Chelsea (2nd) but above Arsenal (4th)
    – it won’t be Liverpool’s year, again
    – West Brom, Wolves and Blackpool go down, of course
    – Mario Balotelli will replace Craig Bellamy as “bad boy” of Manchester City
    – Chicharito will be the best signing of the year and will soon replace Berbatov in the starting line-up
    – Mascherano will leave Liverpool (I think for Barca, I hope we – I support Inter – won’t buy him), but reds fans will regret him because Lucas and Poulsen are rubbish
    – Mick McCarthy first to be sacked, Hughton will last until their usual infamous defeat against Liverpool
    – Drogba top scorer, between 25 and 30 goals
    – Chelsea-Manchester Utd will be one of the two Champions League semi-finals, although the winning team won’t lift the trophy at Wembley
    – Manchester City to win Europa League

  5. shay says:

    -Manchester United win the league. Chelsea, Man City and Arsenal fight it out for the other 3 spots
    -Manicini coaxes Pele and Maradona out of retirement by offering 1 million pounds per second on the pitch. Pele never plays becuase Maradona runs him over in the car park.
    -Carlo Ancelotti gives a speech congratulating Man Utd on the title, but no one understands what he is saying. Drogba announces its a F**king disgrace.
    -Adebayor and Craig Bellamy fight to the death becuase Bellamy wears his house slippers in the dressing room.

  6. Montesquieu says:

    -‘Chicharito’ will be an immense disappointment.
    -Fernando Torres will be once again having a hard time of finding form and will be injured most of the season.

  7. ej says:

    Pretty sure ‘claret, black pudding and thunder’ is on the menu at Heston Blumenthal’s gaff.

    – 25% cuts to Premier League budget mean games will only last 67.5 mins.
    – On Soccer Saturday, Chris Kamara will accidently declare himself an independent sovereign state, much to the amusement of Jeff and the gang.

  8. Chris says:

    View from America:

    This isn’t Football..?

  9. Duke says:

    Respect the eyebrow!! RESPECT IT!!!!!!

  10. Les says:

    Emile Heskey will get his annual 2 goals and Arsene Wenger will stop getting paedo chants aimed at him after breaking from tradition and signing someone who is legal

  11. Alfie says:

    unbelievable ollie! let Chris Kamara live!

  12. Tinez says:

    Ben Shepherd gets sacked, Sky bring in Ron Atkinson to fill his place.

  13. […] I did predict that Hughton – who struggled to ditch the “caretaker” tag even though he stopped […]

  14. Jinkii says:

    Ollie Holloway and Charlie Adam have already made you eat your prediction, Chelsea couldnt win an argument and there is no way on earth City will ever finish above United, no matter how much blood money Sheik Shitehawk throws at them.

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