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Woman Who ‘Used To Be Joan Of Arc’ Claims Aliens Told Her Crystal Palace Will Stay Up This Season

By Chris Wright

pulis-cohen

A female ‘spiritual healer’ from Bromley has made Tony Pulis’ job that much easier this morning after assuring the new Crystal Palace manager that his side are going to avoid relegation this season…because aliens told her.

Stephany Cohen claims she is in constant contact with “grey aliens, Cat People and half-alien, half-reptile Reptilians”, who have taken a great interest in the lower echelons of the Premier League table and have seen something in Palace which has led them to believe that the Eagles will pull themselves out of the bottom three before the end of the season.

She told the News Shopper newspaper:

“[Palace] are being positive. Pulis has got a very good work ethic. His forte is defensive.┬áNow what he needs to do is help the team by keeping clean sheets as much as possible between now and May.

“They need a good team spirit, a good work ethic and good defensive tactics from the manager. If they stick to that they will stay up.

“It will be hard work but it will pay off.”

Panic over. Fairly sound reasoning, really – other than…y’know, she claims it was given to her by extraterrestrial beings and all.

Oh, before we forget to mention: she also reckons that she, in her words, “used to be Joan of Arc” after the spirits showed her her memories from a previous life.

Back in March, Cohen also claimed that the Reptilians – who are apparently highly adept in matters of business and finance – were giving her advice to pass along to Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger during his time of need.

“At the moment they are telling Wenger he needs to get rid of a whole lot of people and bring in a stronger squad – especially in the defence,” she said. “”Mr Wenger likes to do everything but he is not good at everything.”

O…kay.

(Via the peerless @James_Dart)

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By Chris on November 29th, 2013 in Crystal Palace, Managers, Newsnow. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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5 Responses to “Woman Who ‘Used To Be Joan Of Arc’ Claims Aliens Told Her Crystal Palace Will Stay Up This Season”

  1. [...] In unquestionably the most random story of the day, a female “faith healer” from Bromley has predicted that Tony Pulis will guide us to Premier League survival. Everyone relax, we’re safe! – Who Ate All The Pies [...]

  2. jordan says:

    I bloody hope she’s right! :)

  3. Rory says:

    Sounds legit.

  4. porcelain sandwich says:

    This might be the biggest non-story since I bought a kebab last Wednesday.

  5. Fat Nakago says:

    Oh snap!! And I just put a fiver on my Canaries to win today.

    Wish I’d read this first. *sigh*

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