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30 Brilliantly Bizarre American And Canadian Soccer Team Names

By Chris Wright

We all know that if there’s one thing Yanks (and Canucks) excel at, it’s saddling their sports teams with wonderfully overblown names. So, with a nod to @NikPostinger for planting the seed in the first place by bringing the Lafayette Swamp Cats to our attention this morning, here is a comprehensive run-down of Pies’ favouritest American footsoccer team names.

Most are from the Premier Development League and the United Soccer Leagues (one may even be a girls’ U15 side as far as we can tell!) and a fair few have been defunct for years.

Thunder Bay Chill

Chill, I got this…

thunder bay

Syracuse Salty Dogs

A former club of Ian Woan, no less…

SyracuseSaltyDogs

Lafayette Swamp Cats

Feel the magic, hear the roar, Swamp Cats are loose…

LafayetteSwampCats

Springfield Demize

Surely calling your club “demise” isn’t the best place to start…

springfield-demize

Long Island Rough Riders

Nothing says rough and gnarled like a neckerchief…

rough-riders

Caribous of Colorado

Proud exponents of the finest football kit ever worn

caribous

Hartford Bicentennials

Robin Williams approves…

bicentennials

Des Moines Menace

Mr Wilson!!!

des-moines-menace

Vermont Voltage

Danger, danger…

voltage

Hampton Roads Piranhas

Sounds like your friendly, neighbourhood piranha store…

piranhas

Houston Dutch Lions

Presumably “Dutch Ovens” was already taken…

dutch-lions

Southwest Florida Adrenaline

So exciting…

adrenaline

South California Seahorses

No marine animal strikes fear into the heart like the mighty seahorse…

seahorses

New Orleans Shell Shockers

Who appeared to nick their crest off the Cub Scouts…

shell-shockers

Central Florida Kraze Krush

Sounds like a fruit juice from the 1990s that was banned for driving kids wappy…

kraze-krush

Cape Cod Crusaders

Let’s all go on a cod crusade…

crusaders

Boston Minutemen

It only takes a minute, girl…

boston minutemen

Kalamazoo Outrage

This guy immediately springs to mind…

outrage

Virginia Beach Submariners

*Insert tawdry “subs bench” pun here*….

submariners

Spokane Spiders

Particularly good in eight-legged cup ties…

spiders

Carolina Dynamo

Admittedly, the name’s not particularly noteworthy but we can’t help feeling we’ve seen this crest before…

Carolina Dynamo

West Texas Sockers

Sockers? Geddit?

sockers

North Sound Seawolves

Is a “seawolf” anything like an “Airwolf”?

north sound seawolves

Florida Manatee Magic

The manatee: famously nature’s most magical animal…

manatee-magic

Kansas City Brass

A trumpet parping out flaming footballs. That is all…

brass

San Francisco Bay Seals

Signed,  sealed, delivered…

seals

St Louis Steamers

Shortly before the franchise relocated to Cleveland…

louis-steamers

Puget Sound Bigfoot

The boot room must be enormous…

bigfoot

Jacksonville Tea Men

Hands down our favourite club crest of all time…

tea men

Silicon Valley Ambassadors

Damn, we wish we had a badge for these guys.

Roanoke River Dawgs 

And the same goes for these guys.

* * * * *

BONUS: As remarked by Bob in the comments, we can’t quite believe we missed out the Pennsylvania Stoners!

stoners

Playing in their famous 4-20 formation.

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By Chris on September 27th, 2013 in Featured, Funnies, MLS, Newsnow. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
comments

12 Responses to “30 Brilliantly Bizarre American And Canadian Soccer Team Names”

  1. Bob Ehrlich says:

    I can’t believe you left off the PENNSYLVANIA STONERS!

  2. Hasselhof says:

    In Defense of the Rough Riders, Teddy Roosevelt was a certifiable badass and you can most likely be sure he’s currently been roused from his grave and is enroute to pummel you in bare knuckle boxing match. BULLY! bully, good show.

    http://www.cracked.com/article_15895_the-5-most-badass-presidents-all-time_p5.html

  3. sloth says:

    I play for a club (in Canada) called Fernwood United, but we go by FU for short.

  4. Bobby Bobson says:

    Wow! Pies has gone parochial, huh?

    What’s up with all those English “United” teams? Very imaginative…a bunch of people coming together (united) to kick a ball around…..

    And what, exactly, is a “hot spur,” anyway? Or a Crystal Palace? Not a good place for a bouncing ball….

  5. Fnarf or Straight Dave's bum says:

    @Bobby Bobson: *fnarf*

  6. Herman says:

    Rochester Raging Rhinos!

  7. Herman says:

    Here is the Silicon Valley Ambassadors logo – http://www.logoserver.com/Soccer/SiliconValleyAmbassadors.GIF

  8. Sjakie Meulemans says:

    @Bobby Bobson: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crystal_Palace

    That’s a Crystal Palace. Read and learn.

  9. Alew says:

    You forgot Toronto FC…

  10. Pajonk says:

    “Spokane Spiders

    Particularly good in eight-legged cup ties…”

    LOL, this comment made my day. :)

  11. K says:

    Just to note, the Central Florida Kraze Krush is two teams combined… Youth teams at that. So thats a little less mental I think, even though the words on their own aren’t much better names now are they.

    Glad somebody explained the Crystal Palace to that guy…

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