England Play Ugly In ESPN World Cup Gallery – Photos

Paul Sorene

28th, May 2010


By Paul Sorene

OVER in the US, they will be treating the World Cup in much the same way that we in Blighty get behind the Super Bowl – by popping to the shops, doing a spot of DIY and catching up on soaps.

Of course, this being the America, everything will be twice fried and dipped in whale lard.

ESPN, the US cable TV broadcaster is whipping the crowd into frenzy of near-apathy by portraying the 32 teams up for the Cup in artworks. The thinking is that Americans will tune into see men with veins last seen in a Pete Doherty wet dream playing football on elephants while riding eagles.

This is, of course, just what football is about. Enjoy – and look out for England’s hideous Desperate Dans toiling to look attractive in a post-Beckham world…


Posted in Photos, World Cup

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  1. Ruben says:

    who drew these? A 7 year old?

  2. Squelch says:

    A few are really good for example the South Africa one but the Italian poster is appaling.

  3. Chris B. says:

    Hehe, I like the one for England… Too true.

    I enjoy this website, but I have to say that you’re utterly clueless when it comes to Americans. I remember a post a few months ago showing Landon Donovan with the caption, “Let’s have a beef jerky on the sidewalk!” The author added in the comments that he reckoned it was something an American would say. Um, what? The cluelessness was good for a laugh, anyway. I suppose you folks walk around saying “Bob’s your uncle, put the kettle on” all day, don’t you?

    Anyway, for Americans who don’t follow MLS or the European leagues (most sports fans, to be fair), the World Cup is approaching the Olympics as an event that is watched with very close attention (then forgotten about for four years), and soccer (your word, not ours) is the most popular youth sport.

    So there.

  4. Jazzer says:

    It’s actually not entirely true. We have a few decent english pubs around dallas and they are typically packed for any games.

    They’re also having some fanzone type experiences downtown where they expect 7k people. It’s not quite like “the home of football” but it is getting better.

  5. EDub says:

    A regular reader of espn soccernet, I have been seeing these for a while always thought they were crap.

  6. Dan says:

    It’s a shame, most of the ideas behind the pictures are brilliant (the England one in particular) but the actual execution is atrocious.

    Also, do they realise that neither Michael Ballack or Michael Essien are going? Because that’s two pictures rendered meaningless…

  7. JayJay says:

    The Landon Donovan caption was a direct quote.

  8. kritter says:

    I will start a blog and talk about all the ridiculous shit that comes out of England too if you’d like. Would you like it if I assumed that every English person was what Oswald Mosley portrayed?

    Also, nice cheap shot with the “double fried” thing. I’ve never eaten more friend potatoes than the last time I was in England. Glass houses.

    My first blog post will be about how English people look like their made out of Elmer’s glue with the exception of fat Frank Lampard and Missus Becks, who will die of melanoma soon.

    My second will be how revolting it is whenever a Brit opens their talk-hole because the disorganized lumber pile that you all call teeth is inhibiting your ability to say your Rs and TH’s properly. Stuff it.

  9. TheReds says:

    cut us yanks some slack, eh? some of us are probably more obsessed than the average brit.

    espn has done a stellar job this year, some of the commercials are spot on. (The number 10 commercial, brilliant)

    And I really think you brits enjoy a bit o’ fish and chips before we do. that’s your stereotype for us? many of us think of brits as bald, fat hooligans eating chips with ale dribbling down your bouncy chin.

    Not saying I feel this way, saying why don’t you get your head out of your arse when acting like you know Americans

  10. Michael says:

    LOL, they have Ballack & Essien who won’t play. I like the Slovenian – defeating the bear!!

  11. spectator says:

    @ Chris B

    other examples of cluelessness could be said to include: cheese whizz, cars that don’t go around corners, segregation, thinking public health care is communism (which was stupid in the 50s and criminally so now) and electing an illiterate…twice.

  12. ben says:

    Did it ever occur to you that the paintings are intentionally bad. Oh, I don’t know, a bit like South African poster / advert art?? Come on guys, ESPN has a marketing budget that makes Sky Sports’ look like an Algerian cooking network’s. Leave it to the English to overlook the obvious and become obsessed with a non existent American insult towards them. Don’t worry, you are still better at this than we are. For now… The sleeping giant is beginning to stir. The amount of people, facilities, competitive nature, money, physical size of the average male (Brits are dwarves in comparison – think more like Holland), ethnic diversity, and growing interest means that little England and it’s little people will have to slip further down the ladder in a few short years. Sorry.

  13. Tom P. says:

    Ahh, Stereotypes, always good for a cheap laugh.

  14. Looks like most here have picked this up the wrong way.

    They’re supposed to be ironic, they’ve taken country’s nicknames and given them a twist, like Cahill and Australia.

    You don’t actually think Drogba and his Ivory Coast teammates ride around on Elephants when they’re back home?

  15. Grant says:

    To the person that points out Michael Essien isn’t going, that decision was made, what, Thursday? These have been on the interwebs for months.

    Obviously there were always going to be some shock injuries like Ballack and Essien, but if they weren’t injured, those players would be huge parts of their team’s World Cup plans, so the fact that ESPN put them in these pictures only reflects that fact.

    Also, your ignorance of Americans and our attitude towards the World Cup is hillarious. Sure, most Americans don’t care about soccer, but the World Cup actually gets some decent ratings over here, even from non soccer fans. To compare it to the one day Super Bowl is a little silly. I’m willing to bet decent money that most Americans will watch at least some of the games over the course of the next month, and a huge number of people will tune in to see the U.S. play England. If the U.S. manages to get a result against England, or even just gives them a good game, and manages to get out of the group and into the knockout rounds, then people will really start paying attention.

    Anyway, sure the artwork is crap, but most of these were only supposed to be small icons anyway, so the fact that they look like crap full sized doesn’t suprise me.

  16. kaya says:

    I think the american “bashing” was a joke. Some of the harshest stereotyping of Brits I’ve read come from this blog. By and large, most people in the US won’t see games, and the “average” person who does catch a game won’t “get it” and will say it’s too low scoring. A good way to highlight this point is with embellishment… and while I’d say the whale lard thing sounds more Japanese, I can offer credit for trying to make it obvious the humor is supposed to be ironic.

  17. Missy says:

    Reading the American comments, I can see why the stereotypes exist.

  18. gamblino says:

    I’ve never got the bad teeth thing. Surely we’re better off with our ‘communist’ dental care approach?

    I hope that footie does keep getting bigger and bigger over there so when we’re beating you in 10 or 20 years you won’t be able to roll out the sleeping giants vs dwindling tiny country stereotype! It’s all about the banter anyway.

    I saw the ESPN ads and they’re class.

  19. Montesquieu says:

    All these are horrid.

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